Partner's Teeth

Rhona2024

Hi All,

My partner of 5 years has AWFUL teeth. When I met him first he had a beautiful smile but over the years and due to a huge phobia of all things dental, his teeth are now just terrible. The front is are covered in plaque, the back I can only assume are worse. They are yellow and in some places brown. He has been to the dentist in the past (before my time) but said he had to have his father (the only person he would allow go with him) physically restrain him. His father unfortunately has since passed.

His dental hygiene has slipped, he never flosses because there is not a floss in the land that can break through his plaque. His breath smells like something died in his mouth and I’m starting to feel embarrassed both for him, and me when we attend an event or even meet friends.

He simply will not entertain the notion to going to a dentist. I have harped on about therapy for phobias, about the dangers to his health of having teeth that bad (he would seemingly rather die than address this issue) but nothing gives.

He said the absolute only way he will go, is if they knock him unconscious for the tooth clean. Is this even a thing? If it is it’s not something I can find in my investigations.

I’m at the end of my rope with him at this stage, if anybody has advice/experience/ideas I would be more than happy to hear them.

Toots

A lot of dentists now offer a sedation service. I know my own dentist will do IV sedation for patients who are very nervous.

Furze99

In the past, people used get them all out and a set of dentures for life.

Kurooi

Surely you could persuade him to sit down for a check up and a full mouth scan? No drills. The dentist can recommend what to do next but if he has something serious brewing it's better to know sooner rather than later.

Also invest in an electric toothbrush and a waterpik. There are also little strips that can be used instead of floss, I have very tightly set teeth myself, floss is useless it can't get in between half my teeth. Shame hearing about his phobia because a lot of that brown and surface plaque can be cleaned out so quickly with just a dental clean, and save you many headaches further down the line.

GAAcailin

Some day he will get a toothache and will have to attend an emergency dentist. Be better to line up a dentist that can deal with anxious patients. Sounds like this issue could start to put a strain on your relationship and he might be willing to do something about it for your sake as much as his. I have to prompt me OH to go to the dentist. Think men in general are less fussed about seeing the dentist.

suvigirl

I cannot stand the cleaning either OP. Fillings and teeth pulling don't really bother me , but the cleaning......I also almost need restraining!

But now I get Xanax. Or some other relaxant from the docs. Get him to make an appointment, go to the doctor and get something. It will help him.

Rhona2024

Thanks All,

He tells me that the IV sedation doesn't knock you unconscious and that's the only route he will go. No, he will 100% not be persuaded in for a checkup, he said even talking about it makes him sick, there's no clear logic to the phobia (I guess there rarely is) it's not so much to do with the noise/pain etc, more an overall feeling of panic. He is visably distressed when I bring it up. It's frustrating in the extreme, not only because he refuses to go, but because he refuses to pursue any avenue which may assist with him addressing the phobia.

The electric toothbrush he doesn't care for, he maintains his teeth don't feel clean afterwards (the irony). He also maintains that it doesn't fit in his mouth properly. I'm not sure what the dental strips are, I have tried to have him use standard floss, the little pick things and the interdental brushes, all of which he has rejected. Perhaps the water pick is worth a go.

I would be terribly surprised if his teeth come out of this unscathed, I think the very least he is looking at is Periodontitis which would of course involve more frequent dental treatments and specialist treatment.

Rhona2024

Some day he will get a toothache and will have to attend an emergency dentist.

I keep telling him this. I think he will wait for that day!

Dial Hard

Sorry, OP, but is he brushing his teeth at all? It's not clear from your post.

helimachoptor

unfortunately there’s not much you can do.
I know people who get sedation before treatment, it’s expensive but does provide a sense of relief in terms of being worked on while awake.

But best case is to find a dentist who understands the fear your husband has

jackboy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122194626#Comment_122194626

When the time comes, and it will, he will be facing months of dental treatment after letting things go so long. E

magicbastarder

If his teeth deteriorated that much in five years, it's not due to a phobia, it's simple bad basic hygiene and that's what needs to be tackled first.

dango

Anxiolytic medication won't treat the underlying which is anxiety. Needing medication to manage it feeds into his belief that trips to the dentist are something to be feared. Sounds expensive sure but he should link with a psychologist to address his phobia and allow for dentist visits in the future.

PoisonIvyBelle

Where in the country are you? I can recommend 2 great dentist clinics in Dublin for nervous patients.

Also, has he ever taken anxiety meds before? If not then he will be absolutely knocked out of it if he can get 1-2mg xanax off the doc or dentist beforehand. Dentist will likely only give .5mg max which will calm him but not to the level he seems to need, so I'd ask the dr.

Once he's the first session over with and finds a kind dentist, it'll be a whole lot easier. I used to have a massive dental phobia and I don't need any kind of anxiety meds or sedation to go now. I never tried the IV sedation though so I can't speak for that.

Rhona2024

Thanks everyone.

I’ll just lump my replies here together (I can’t seem to operate the quote function).

@dialhard, he brushes his teeth, but it’s cursory, perhaps he’d get away with it for a spell if his teeth were ok, but it’s like the proverbial band aid on an amputated limb at this stage.

@magicbastarder Agreed. His dental hygiene is crap, but he needs to first get to a dentist to get a good scrub and then maintain this, he cannot improve the state of this teeth alone at this stage. He’s also a heavy smoker so that helps no end obviously!

@posinivybelle, that would be amazing thank you. We are in Dublin too.

lucalux

"His breath smells like something died in his mouth and I’m starting to
feel embarrassed both for him, and me when we attend an event or even
meet friends."

Have you told him this? As directly as you've said it here?

I feel like if you haven't - you might need to.

It's 'cruel to be kind' stuff, but if you're honestly at the point of disgust with this (and therefore him) you might really need to put that out there as strongly and simply as that, in order to get him to really see the consequences.

No pussy-footing will get through to him most likely, regarding phobias/health implications imo

"Your teeth and breath are repulsive and embarassing" is probably more likely to snap him out of it.

He needs to get to a dentist who will sedate him as necessary, (get the recs above - best way!)

He needs to get the first visit out of the way, invest in an electric toothbrush/waterpik and get serious about how much worse it WILL get otherwise

Rhona2024

I have been brutally honest and I do mean brutal. I have told him his break makes me nauseous, I have told him it is embarrassing for him and me, I have told him that this could lead to serious health complications and if he gets for example bacterial sepsis he's a goner. He told me if he dies he dies which infuriated me more than I can communicate. The last year of has been a near constant battle of wills. Turns out his are stronger than mine!

Recommendations are very very welcome. I am running out of options at this stage.

Furze99

Like I said, let him go to GP and arrange surgery under general anaesthetic. Get them all out and have dentures. That meets his needs for anaesthetic and yours.

Milly33

I would be the same boat well just terrified of the dentist, goes back to when I was kid and bad experience.. In the end with a big push I went to see a lady one was a lady offering gas but she freaked me out, the next was a local lady who just put me at ease. Did nothing but look and then prescribed me these sleeping tablets to take before coming in (had to have a driver with me) the first few times I think i took four of them they do not send you to sleep but more relax you.. Have had root canals, a lot of work done using this method… in the end it went to two and then none.. Im still terrified and it makes a big differance finding an understanding dentist and trusting them.. I belt out tunes whenever the work is going on as i hate the sound of the drills and the feeling of them, i would have the knees up and just nearly backed out of the chair but get through it…Has he tried going to a few places with someone and letting them sit in with him and just keep going until he can get something done..

mykrodot

tell him you'll leave him! That's the bottom line when you think about it. If he smells like something has died in his mouth how can you share a bed with him? That's a deal breaker for me, particularly if it's self inflicted and there are options!

I speak as someone who had horrendous issues with my teeth all my life as my mother never took me to a dentist as a kid. I have had multiple fillings, root canals, crowns, bridges and implants with bone grafting. Its been very invasive, traumatic at times, painful. But I did it for my health, my sense of self, my consideration of my partner! Its a deal breaker.

Rhona2024

Thank you everyone. I appreciate all who took the time to respond.

I feel for him, I genuinely do, the fear is real and I have nothing but sympathy for him from that point of view. My problem is definitely with his point blank refusal to try to do something, even if at this stage it is CBT or even researching dentists who may work with terrified patients. I feel it's not my job to do this for him, but I guess now I will.

I have told him that I find myself less attracted to him and that I now will avoid kissing him, (we were previously very kissy). I'm then offended that this doesn't seem to have the desired effect! I think for the now, I will just extensively research dentists myself and seek recommendations. I don't think there's much else I can do.

mykrodot

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122207092#Comment_122207092

you sound like a lovely person and a very understanding partner. He is lucky to have you! While I sympathize greatly with his fears there are so many options these days for dealing with irrational fears. I think in a relationship you owe it to your partner to try and fix something they might find repulsive about you. Otherwise it certainly seems that they don't care enough about you to fix it.

When the physical attraction is affected by something like awful dental issues or body odour the relationship suffers.

As a woman I would be appalled if my partner told me my breath smelled like a dead animal ! I would do whatever I possibly could to fix it for myself, for him and for anyone else I come into contact with! Good luck !