My wife had an affair, A long time ago.

Apathy_Anger

Keeping it fairly simply, A few months ago I learned of an affair my wife had in work many years ago.

It lasted about 3 years and started through a mutual attraction (2 very good looking people) and it progressed very quickly just before his wife had a kid and it cooled after for a while, they got back together a few months later and were together on and off for another 2/3 years, In this all but one of their physical encounters were inside the office, it all took place in there which was how it was easy enough to hide as they worked early on their own each morning until others arrived in, though they did lunch together quite regularly in the middle.

It was physical but then moved to a proper emotional connection spending many hours on the phone when not in work, this was before she saw his 'true colours' - in their last year he had started sniffing around another girl in their small office and my wife initially got jealous of that before she copped on and got out of the relationship without actually ending it but just slowly stopping phone contact and physical contact.

She also says she saw what she was missing with me returning, I was coming out of a toughish few years, work, body and extended family (life in general) were dragging on me and I was struggling for a few years, but now things were brighter in me, I was fitter and I was out in life again (not that I was ever really away though) and I was more attentive.

She stayed working with him for the next 6 odd years before moving on to another better job. They could still spend an hour odd a day sitting side by side working the job, though that dropped off also as she changed her work hours to be with him less and she says it was never discussed once or mentioned again, as they were now just colleagues/friends,

After she left there was contact between them but it was falling away to almost nothing as time went on, but he was never cut loose.

Coincidently once she stopped seeing Him, we started getting back to being pretty good together, she realised that she had made a big mistake and wanted me back and all unbeknownst to me, she wound it down with him & she picked it back up with me about 9 years ago and I can safely say the last 5/6 years have been wonderful, the last 2 were the best of my life.

It is a massive kick to my brain, she thought we'd be strong enough to get through it, but while the affair is a distant past for her and she has it well boxed away, it is my present and while most of the time I still want to be with her, how can I accept that at one point in our 30 years of being together, I was of no concern to her for about 3 of them while everything I ever thought about was with Us in mind and getting to that slower speed of life and place of fun that we now have.

I don't even have a real question, just words might make it clearer in my head and I have spoken to a therapist but I'm still left with anger, hurt & sadness and while I'm not rushing to any decisions, I can't see me making any decisions either as it feels almost unbelievable, Does this get easier or am I living a lie by staying?

marilynrr

You posted about this a few months back didn't you? As far as I remember you and your wife both thought he was manipulative and tried to suck her back in when she was trying to call it off. It did come across like your wife wasn't taking responsibility for the affair, although of course none of us know exactly what she's said to you and how much remorse she's shown.

You said that for your wife this is boxed away in the past, how does your wife respond if you bring it up now? Are you allowed to bring it up now or does she keep telling you it's in the past? Have you got angry at your wife or is that emotion suppressed with her because when you found out things had been great?

I think some find that it gets 'easier' in that they don't think about it nearly as much, but they're still left with the damage from the affair so while the affair is less in their face and they seem to cope better there's often an underlying sadness and pain that really seeps into everything. Only time will tell.

You said you spoke to a therapist about it, often talk therapy isn't the best option for this or it can only take people so far, you might benefit from trauma therapy which might help you to process the emotions better than talk therapy can.

whitelaurel

why don’t you leave her? Sure it will be crap for a while but you will more than likely end up happier. Can’t understand people staying with cheaters.

charlie14

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122260474#Comment_122260474

Did she tell you about having this affair or did you find out about it otherwise. ?

bucketybuck

Your wife lies to you as easily as breathing. Thats not a guess, anybody who can lie to your face every day for years on end simply does not see lying the same way you do. To most people lying takes a toll and they are uncomfortable about it. To her it is nothing, as easy as walking and talking, she did it for years and it didn't phase her one bit.

Knowing that, how can you possibly believe a word she says? It would be incredibly blind or naïve to think that she has never lied about anything else.

When it suits her she will lie again. And she will do it as easily as she did the first time.

Furze99

Thirty years of being together? That puts you both probably well into your 50s.

Nobodies perfect, we all have good and bad points, weaknesses and strengths etc.

It's kinda unlikely she's going to have another fling now and if you're both happy together otherwise, just live with it. What's the point of breaking up an otherwise good relationship at this stage of your lives.

Which is short enough and not long till you're both approaching the last laps.

Kalimah

It’s a huge betrayal of trust - and went on for 3 years! That’s not just a one night stand. It’s deliberate and devious. Three years of sneaking around. I don’t know how anyone could come back from that. Most people would be devastated.

charlie14

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122260673#Comment_122260673

I would not be too sure on that score.

The majority of those I know who have or are having affairs are in their 40`s and 50`s. A last fling at recapturing their youth or a feeling that the missed out on something when they were younger best I can see for it.

Apathy_Anger

Yes, posted previously but it was too raw then so starting again, with a clearer overview and grasp of the real story.

And yes, the amount of people having affairs now is crazy,

Her friend had started meeting a guy on the side, we were speaking about that and how she's trying to discourage her from going on with it,

So after a good few drinks i asked her if she had ever and she told me the truth about her past, I was and still am blown away, I thought there may have a fling when we were not great but not a full relationship.

I am getting 100% truth now, about it all, at times I hate her or I get angry with her or I'm ok with her or I love her.

I really want to contact his wife to be a bollocks, but that could be cruel, even though apparenly she knew in the last year and confronted him but let it continue to some degree or at least was ok for them to stay working together after, as she was just after having a kid.

combat14

3/30 or 10% rocky years

27/30 or 90% good years

why not focus on enjoying the future and the present and forget the past

charlie14

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122261478#Comment_122261478

As she told you about it casually after a few drinks so long after it happened and her knowing you had not even a clue that it did, it sounds as if she didn`t see it as a big deal.

Yakov P. Golyadkin

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122261478#Comment_122261478

I have to say I find it almost more callous that she just owned up to it so easily, you asked a question and she answered it. I don't think you could drag that sort of information out of most people.

I couldn't stay in such a relationship tbh, a one night stand or a fling that lasts a week or two is one thing but an extended relationship that seems to have ended only because Lothario was trying it on with the next lady on the office - I'm sorry but you don't do that to someone you love.

Apathy_Anger

I asked why she'd tell me now so long after, she always wanted to tell me but how.

She said that if I ever asked her she, she'd be honest and tell me about it.

She felt I knew something had happened back then so for her, saying it wasnt completely out of the blue, but I'd been oblivious, (as if I'd let her stay working beside him if I knew, the way his wife did).

'Memory comes into its own when you've been betrayed, you see detail not seen 1st time around' is how I view so much now, just looking back over every scrap of a memory, and what I can find in it from then.

My brain says I've been betrayed, everything else says hold her tight.

Fool or not, she is hurting also, I Know she loves me but is that enough to fight the 4am thoughts and can the past ever truely the past.

jackboy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122261754#Comment_122261754

Where is the evidence she is hurting also? Sounds like her biggest regret is the affair ended because he was sniffing around someone else.

Fitzy149

I think human flesh is weak. We all fall on the path. The person you married all those years ago is not the same person that she is now.

What if that affair had the effect of deepening and strengthening her love for you - if as she says, she "assumed you knew", were ye perhaps going thru a really bad patch back then where anything could have happened ?

Maybe she was considering leaving you at the time ?

End of day, only you can decide if your relationship with your wife is worth saving.

Does she really love you ?

If so, I would let bygones be bygones.

The alternative might well be that you separate and become a resentful, lonely old man

Donald Trump

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122261492#Comment_122261492

Unfortunately many would have doubts inside as to whether all those 27 were "good", or whether they contained similar behaviour which is not known about yet

Donald Trump

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122261478#Comment_122261478

Contact his wife. Let him deal with it.

If you were in her position, with your man cheating on her repeatedly, and possibly still at it chasing women in the office, would you prefer to know or stay in ignorance for another while?

Panthro

Sounds like your wife looks after no.1. If it was a one night stand situation years back it might be viewed differently. But She had an affair not over days, weeks, months but over several years.

Why on earth would anyone stick around with someone knowing their partner has done that to them.

Sorry but I'd be running as fast as my legs could carry me.

mykrodot

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122260673#Comment_122260673

Wrong. The last lap is well into your eighties these days, certainly not your fifties ! Life is for living, not contemplating your death. (although that probably depends on your attitude and your physical health)

mykrodot

I couldn't stay with someone who had cheated on me. Its not the physical its the emotional breakdown of trust.

And if I cheated on someone I loved I would never tell them, particularly if I had remorse and if I loved them. I would put myself in their shoes and imagine their hurt! Its hard to believe a spouse would openly admit immediately to having an affair that lasted years and not expect it to devastate their other half!

Fitzy149

The devil is in the detail really. And only you and she know the details ..

You say .." .. I was coming out of a toughish few years, work, body and extended family (life in general) were dragging on me and I was struggling for a few years, but now things were brighter in me, I was fitter and I was out in life again (not that I was ever really away though) and I was more attentive ..."

So we posters don't really know what happened during those "toughish years" .. when you were "less attentive" to your wife. It may have been hell on earth for her too ..

Not to excuse her betrayal but those details really do matter. Were you both about to pull the plug on your marriage back then ?

When you were "less attentive", did you hurt her ? Did it drive her to consider ending the marriage ?

What part did your 'lack of attention' play in making your wife dissatisfied ? You sound like you were unavailable to her as a husband during those "toughish years"

Only you know these details - and so, weighing up pros and cons, only you can really decide how to proceed.

You say everything is perfect now .. and has been for a few years - then I personally would be happy with that ..

How many married couples out there are fortunate enough to enjoy your current happiness (albeit tinged with some misgiving) ? A crooked winding road to get here but your wife now loves you.

I would certainly prefer this to being alone and resentful

ToweringPerformance

You'll find this is a lot more common than people would like to believe.

Furze99

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122261986#Comment_122261986

Likely well into their 50s I wrote and the last laps (plural)..

Dunno what age you are but there is a significant difference for many people in how they see things along with physical changes between 51 & 59. Worlds apart in some ways.

Stephen_Maturin

You’re a more forgiving man than I, OP

Whatever about a drunken one night stand full of regret, but consecutive years and years of betrayal? Years??
Just the sheer amount of deceit to loved ones that would be required over that time…

I don’t think I could ever respect a person that would do something like that, much less love them again. How utterly selfish and flippant with other people’s heart and lives. Would fill me with disgust.

bucketybuck

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122262135#Comment_122262135

You are literally trying to excuse her betrayal.

OP, there are people trying to make you believe that you are old now and so may as well settle for her because there were some good times and sure let bygones be bygones.

Except you are not old, and self respect is more important than sticking with somebody you can't even trust.

Stick with her and I guarantee in a few years you will be regretting that decision. You know she is a liar, you can't put that genie back in the bottle and it is going to eat away at you as long as she is around.

Apathy_Anger

We got together young, so both of us either side of 50, I'm still plenty young for a new life, would I have preferred the chance to restart at 40 with young kids? yes, it would have been better to know then or not know at all now, it helps no one now.

I was too busy working, self employed, barely keeping afloat after recession, don't work don't make money, got a few sports injuries so I ended up on the couch a lot recovering, tired from work, grim as I couldn't play sports, a family members marriage broke down, which took a lot of time also.

Once the business kicked off again & I was already back running and playing sports & generally being out involved in clubs, life with loads of free time had a better outlook and we were back to doing it together.

No doubt I neglected her but I felt she's the one I love so I can give her less and we'll still be ok, I was called a great father but a poor husband in those years.

She's a 10 and always gets attention but always came home with me, I'm clear on this. This affair happened in work, it was easy as it suited both of them, attention, sex but home for 5 for pretend normality and never met at weekends.

She wouldn't be sleeping around with others, I've no way to be sure but I do believe that.

Once my work got sorted we spent our time together again but in my darkest she didn't support me she took an easy option.

HildaOgdenx

Mod - Some posts deleted.
Reminder - PI is not a discussion forum.

As per the charter:
Personal Issues is an advice forum. Posters are required to offer advice or opinion to the OP in their replies.

If you have no advice for the OP, do not post.

Hilda

charlie14

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122262449#Comment_122262449

THis may sound somewhat brutal, but from your post I have the feeling you know much of this already. As far as I`m concerned she didn`t give you a thought when you were at your lowest and she only told you years afterwards to salve her own conscience without a thought as to what it would do to you.

KI could understand her after a few drinks having a one night stand, or even being temporarily being swept off her feet with someone showing her a good time, but this was neither of those. This was her getting banged over an office desk for years early in the mornings before anyone else arrived for work by a married man. That is just sleazy and it really only stopped because he was chasing someone else in the office. It`s not as if her conscience then made her stop.

You are still a young man, and from what you say as regards sport, one that is in pretty good shape physically. She may be a 10 but she is also callous and I would not trust her in future as far as I could throw her, and neither do I suspect would you. You could stay with her, being constantly reminded and constantly looking for indicators that she may screwing someone else on the side. or you can get the hell out of there and have a life. Up to you, but if it was me I would be out that door as fast as my legs would carry me.

Fitzy149

OP, The fact is none of us on Boards can give you definitive advice as to how to proceed .. we have the flimsiest of details (except that she cheated on you a long time ago, admitted to it and that you still love each other)

Of the past you say : ... No doubt I neglected her but I felt she's the one I love so I can give her less and we'll still be ok, I was called a great father but a poor husband in those years .."

Well, how did you neglect her exactly - did you ignore her emotionally, sexually ? Were you fighting cats and dogs all the time ? "In those years" .. did this "neglect" go on for years ?

Again, i am not excusing her betrayal of you .. but I was not there so I do not know what it was like to live in your house during your "tough years"

Did your wife have any "tough years" ? Did you ask ? You say she is hurting also.

One poster above suggested attending trauma therapy - i would second that or sit at least with a therapist (marriage guidance or otherwise) and talk it through.

You are liable to get more solid advice on a face to face than an anonymous forum on the internet.

Do let us know how you get on. I, for one hope you can find a way to continue with your current happiness

Hannibal_Smith

@Fitzy149 while advising a poster to seek counselling is a good thing, please bear in mind that the whole point of the PI/RI forum is for posters to come for advice they feel they need. And certainly contributors to the forum have helped posters in the past and continue to do so. The OP is under no obligation to disclose any further details and if you feel you cannot offer further advice based on what has already been posted please move on to a another thread. Also, asking to be kept updated is against the forum Charter, again no OP should feel obliged to keep posters updated on any issue they are having.

HS

Apathy_Anger

Thanks for the replies,

The years were tough on and off for both I guess, no real fights between us, notjing cruel or nadty by either of us, working well as parents together and still friendly, but the physical dropped off some but was always happening, (all of this is why it was such a shock to me, there was was no one obvious event).

I should have given her more of my time and attention but she should have demanded it of me pointing out how low she was, instead of being open to some compliments and attention from another guy, until a time, either he messed it up or I was the one giving compliments and enough time to her which made her to see me as the one with the spark instead.

There is a huge backlog for marriage counselling at present so could be Sept before that happens, but its in play.

I'll keep reading here if anyone has more but probably not reply until after the counselling has finished.