My wife had an affair, A long time ago.

Sunny Disposition

Three years is a very long time to have a really sleazy affair. I’m don’t know how you can trust someone who has the potential to be so devious.

It sounds very like you are trying to justify her behaviour tbh so it seems you still love her. Maybe the counselling route can work, but three years is a really long time to be deceiving you.

She can’t blame anyone, it was her own decision to have the affair.

Andrea B.

Not a nice situation OP.

Two things strike me.

An almost semi-validation of situation by your saying they were two very attractive individuals.

But more concerning, the lying awake in middle of night ruminating, while the individual who 100% owns the damage snores beside you.

A relationship should be making you feel better than you would feel than if you weren't in a relationship.

As other posters have said, some sort of trauma therapy is likely called for.

PaulPog

I think you're distorting reality a little bit in both threads, more pointing the finger at him being manipulative ect and her seeing his "true colours" than actually making your wife accountable. She made the choice to cheat and lie, day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year, for 3 long years. I'd also be surprised if it was office only, not that it really matters, the logistics of that seems uncomfortable over that long a spell.

You admittedly neglected her for few years during your hard times, this would turn most women off, they don't want to become your mother/carer while you mope about. But how someone reacts to that determines their character. A good character will seek therepy or ultimately end the relationship if progress isn't made, a bad one will cheat with little to no empathy for your feelings-thats your wife.

Also you're wrong about the amount of people having affairs or cheating. Most don't. Anyone I'd associate with doesn't. But its easy to develop a bias if you're surrounding yourself with bad characters. Of course your wifes friends does, people of poor morals associate with similar, birds of a feather ect. And maybe your friends do too, if like you they refer to their wife's as '10's' ect. All your compliments about your wife are looks based - make shallow connections and don't be surprised that you get cheated on for shallow reasons like getting injured and putting on a bit of weight. I'd be surprised if that was the only time too, especially when she's out with that friend.

I feel resentment will only grow in you now knowing what you know, which is no way to live. Can you imagine yourself on your death bed with this woman reflecting on life?(if she didn't leave when you got sick). Would you be content looking back in that scenario?

CelticRambler

Janey! Boardsies have become a right bunch of zero-tolerance Puritans.

@OP: as you wrote in the title of this thread, this happened a long time ago, and at a time when things weren't going well for you (singular). Then you say:

I should have given her more of my time and attention but she should have demanded it of me pointing out how low she was

Just look at that for a second: when you were at your lowest, and when you were ignorning her needs because of your own stuff, you're saying she should have started nagging you about not being a good enough husband? How d'you think you'd've felt if you'd had to deal with that on top of everything else?

Instead, your wife - who was obviously going through her own "stuff" - had the good sense to sort herself out in a way that (a) you never knew about at the time; (b) came to an end through your wife's decision; and (c) had absolutely no effect on your marriage … until now when your wife volunteered the information.

All these other posts about lying and cheating and (lack of) trust amount to a heap of nothing in the face of the fact that your marriage since the episode in question is better than it ever was before. If she hadn't done what she did, if she'd followed your advice and heaped a load more stress on you back then, chances are you wouldn't have stayed married for much longer.

So follow her example: acknowledge that it happened, that there were no negative consequences for either of you, and move on.

PaulPog

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122266863#Comment_122266863

Not sure what life experience lead you to frame cheating as "good sense" but its one of the most peculiar takes I've ever read.

Apathy_Anger

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122266176#Comment_122266176

I'm only writing in one thread,

Try stick to commenting on the facts given and not just making stuff up so you can insert a comment on your general world view, lived experience is what I'm after, not your moral damnation.

I see your posts here as childish waffle to have a hop, have fun with that.

thefa

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122266135#Comment_122266135

I picked up the semi validation of the situation too. The OP seems to consider himself to have been/continuing to be punching with this 10. Maybe a bit of a power dynamic being taken advantage of which wouldn’t work the other way. Given the sheer amount of lying that must have gone on, it’s fair to think there would be parts left out and the idea of neglect could be exaggerated in lieu of just being selfish.

I understand the posters saying to leave her and I agree for the most part but it comes down to whether the OP thinks this is something he can accept and live with in time. Can he ever fully trust her again? Probably not.

RurtBeynolds

If you're gonna spend the rest of your life with someone, would you want it to be with someone who you have complete faith in, or would you want it to be someone who could carry on an affair behind your back for years with seemingly no regret?

Sunny Disposition

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122267102#Comment_122267102

The OP justifying very serious dishonesty by his wife is worrying. I think some personal counselling may be a very good idea, because putting the blame on himself or the other party is so misplaced, it was his wife's responsibility not to cheat on him.

PaulPog

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122267045#Comment_122267045

You wrote two threads on the same subject.

You don't know the facts, just whatever version your wife decided to tell you that spares her guilt. You're taking what your wife told you as gospel like she hasn't lied to you constantly for the past ten years.

If you think their 3 year affair was solely based in the office and they never once slept in a bed together then I'm not sure what to say to you. It most likely involved yours and his marital beds and many other places. It's just a clear and obvious example of how she's still lying to you and you'll not be able to trust her again but you can continue to direct your anger in other directions.

CelticRambler

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122267154#Comment_122267154

It's just a clear and obvious 

Seriously? You can be dogmatic about that on the basis of half a dozen posts from one party to the situation?

Given what the OP has said, it's far more likely that Mrs A_A was driven half demented by having to put up with him whinging about his gammy leg and his money worries and family breakdowns and even though she loved him, she just really needed a a good **** every morning so as to be able to get through a day's work and come home in the evenings to be a "good wife" and put dinner on the table for him until such time as he got himself back on an even keel.

Sometimes sex is just that: a bog-standard physical act as practised by damn near every mammal on the planet, and in a human context can also serve as a form of stress relief. For all kinds of reasons, keeping an affair such as this to the workplace makes a lot of sense; there's no justification for you to be spinning all kinds of fantasy scenarios out of it solely because you've convinced yourself that Mrs A_A must be a pathological liar.

PaulPog

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122267356#Comment_122267356

Pathological is your words but if you can keep something like this hidden for so long and the web of lies that would naturally bring then you're probably not far off the mark with your diagnosis.

And you're removing all emotion out of something that probably causes more mental health issues in life than anything else, so maybe you can rationalise as two people just bumping uglies but 99.99% of people would struggle.

marilynrr

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122264967#Comment_122264967

I agree that she should have demanded it of you regardless of what that other poster said. She should have said that she felt like the marriage was in serious trouble. I can see how you might have been difficult to live with and draining, but I think in that case you sit your partner down and say the marriage is in trouble and you're struggling and something needs to change, at least give the partner a chance to try to turn things around before doing something that you can never undo.

If you're on a wait list for marriage counselling then it might be good to stick your names down on another couple of waiting lists if you can, sometimes the counsellor wouldn't be the right fit.

Alexus25

I've been in your shoes, my partner cheated on me too. I broke up with them and they tried to apologise and apologise so I gave into my feelings and gave them another chance. It's genuinely sad what low self esteem/ low self worth and fear of the unknown will lead us to do. I also remember projecting the blame onto the person they cheated with, I was angry at my partner at the time but more angry at the one he cheated with. And I would explain or excuse bad behaviour and red flags. Yes I gave into my feelings, i invested so much time into this person, I couldn't just walk away after all that. My trust was gone and I was on edge in that relationship (who are they texting, who are they really with on a night out etc). The luckiest thing happened, I drunkenly kissed someone and told my partner straight away, they dumped me and cut off all contact. I hit rock bottom and went for counselling - made me realise I lost my self concept and that I didn't have love for myself, hence why I so desperately needed their love because I thought it was a shock someone could actually love and accept me so I better not let go of Someone 'this amazing'. Thankfully space and counselling gave me the perspective I needed. My partner tried to get back with me but instead I confronted them with everything I never said earlier in the relationship as I was afraid I would lose their 'love'. So that was us broken up for several years. We ended up dating years later, I guess I wanted to see if they changed, they hadn't, and i would never go back cause i could never trust them. I deserve so so much better and so do you, my friend just died and it made me realise life can be insanely short so enjoy and dont take life and experiences for granted. Sometimes we want to learn things the hard way

Exclamation Marc

Your wife's affair ended due to drifting apart from her work colleague, and not some unbound desire to make things right with you or a realisation that she made a mistake or what she was doing was wrong. That to me is an enormous red flag that she's fallen back to you out of circumstance rather than deciding to come back. What's stopping it happening again? Because it doesn't sound like it's you.

All folks are different but for me that says an awful lot and I couldn't live with that betrayal and lack of loyalty.

You deserve better OP, you shouldn't be in this relationship. This betrayal clearly won't leave you but you can leave it.

Apathy_Anger

There seems to be a perception from a few people I'm trying to excuse her behaviour, I thought my posts were clear.

I'm not, she cheated on me for any number of reasons, she had ample time to tell me of her problems with our marriage and how she felt about me at that time. She didn't and she alone chose her path.

For the record, I'm a 10 and while I've taken a knock, I still like me and know while life was tougher back then, I and her were not living miserable lives but just lives in reasonably stressful times, even then our lives were much better than a lot of other peoples, she moved on to someone else too quickly just because she got attention and was made to feel wanted.

I know how she feels for me now and how I felt for her until I finally learned the truth a few months ago, it is from that day on that I now have to reconsider my future, as at one point I was not her best friend (or even just a friend) whereas I always thought I was hers.

PaulPog

What is your obsession with rankings? It's very odd. But a 10 would suggest there's no room for improvement, and based on this thread you're both very very far from 10's, if taking a holistic view. Perhaps on an entirely superficial or perception scale you are, but who cares?

Have you even told any family or friends about this, or is your entire self worth and validation held up by people thinking you're this perfect couple even if the reality is it's crumbling from within?

You've a decent level of self awareness of where things went wrong but life is full of challenges and you're not always gonna be able to bring your A game, nor should you have to. What happens if you get sick or god forbid something terrible happens in the family? Are you going to bottle up all your emotions in fear of your wife will stray again?

Ultimately you can lie to the world and try maintain this instagram perfect lifestyle but your body never lies and things like those 4am thoughts you speak about won't go away until you start putting reality ahead of perception.

jeremyr62

Keep it simple. If you love her and she loves you then what's the problem? Love is hard to find, so grab it with both hands when you find it.

Exclamation Marc

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122269163#Comment_122269163

This is so simplistic. Loving someone doesn't magically fix deep betrayal. I love my wife and she loves me, that's not a free pass for either of us to do what we want.

Oscar_Madison

I guess the past is the past - we can’t change that now- considering your age though, am I right in saying retirement is starting to approach or do you have another 10 years to go?
it might be worth having a think about how you would like to spend that time, and with whom? Do you see her in the distant future supporting you, doing things with you, sharing joy and happiness in retirement? Or do you see each other living seperate lives?

I’m not totally sold on the idea that someone who strayed for so long, can commit now for the rest of your natural lives. I’m sure it’s happened - in fact I know of an example - But there was always an undercurrent of bitterness there- usually came to ahead when drink was taken - my own view was this particular couple would have been happier apart.

Separation is tough and lord knows, accommodation and the price of everything is probably stopping many couples out there from formally separating right now - counselling may be good but I’d really be watching to see if she’s totally committed to seeing that through or if she’s just paying lip service to it.

Maybe a holiday away with a male friend or family member even for a week might help you gather your thoughts.

Only you know your relationship with her- how precious it was- how you interact and support each other. I’m not sure I’d forgive this - I might struggle on until I felt I could afford to separate but I’m not sure I could commit to the long term

ElizaBennett

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122261996#Comment_122261996

This!!

The longer I live the more I realise that people who 'confess' to affairs that are over are doing it 100% for themselves out of selfishness - that's the part I judge most. If you love the person and want to stay together than you don't tell! Simple as that. By all means, full disclosure is appropriate if the relationship is to end anyway, but exposing this painful wound completely unnecessarily is the real cruelty here and the part I'd be unable to forgive.

yourdeadwright

In her prime years your wife was giving herself to another man & hiding & liing to you for am multiple of years,

The lad is probably doing it with a younger women now & your wife probably doesn't have that luxury now so is "settled" Be honest your only still with her because of the fear of moving on, your afraid of a future alone, You wouldn't be posting on her if you really forgave her & had moved on, ,Cut the cord you don't need her or anyone like that in your life,

ElizaBennett

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122267154#Comment_122267154

This is illogical - because she didn't just own up to things having been caught out. She volunteered the information about the affair herself - including the fact that it went on for years AND only ended when she became jealous, none of which paints her in a good light. Irony or not, she was fully honest when it came up - because she'd decided to be if he ever asked her. So, no, it's not a given that she had sex in other locations or had other partners. The logical assumption here is that the OP is in possession of the full facts now.

PaulPog

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122269475#Comment_122269475

Trying to infer logic in someone who lies a lot is probably your first mistake. It rarely makes sense and reasoning behind what they decide to share or withhold can be very irrational. Even the smallest things where any rational minded person would ask "why lie about that?", they'd find a way to spin the truth

bucketybuck

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122269475#Comment_122269475

She lied repeatedly for literally years, there is no way that you can say that the "logical assumption is that the OP has all the facts".

Falsus in uno, falsus in omnibus.

NiceFella

Hi OP,

I think what makes or breaks this for me is just how remorseful your wife truly is about this. From reading your posts, it doesn't sound to me like she really is in touch with just how wrong her behavior was. 

The manner in which she told you, 12 years after the fact (like the passage of time would make it any less hurtful for you) by a direct question seems totally cowardly. If she wanted to be frank and honest and be the good person, why not say it when it happened back then? Personally I think her telling you now is totally selfish, because I think it would have been more decent and considerate of your feelings to have kept her mouth shut. 

How can she say it's "boxed off" then unleash a **** storm on your life just because she felt comfortable in saying so. Totally inconsiderate of you. 

I don't want to disqualify that you love this person deeply, because I do think happiness and love is worth forgiving for. But I'd need to really feel genuine remorse. A 3 year affair is pretty bad and they'd want to be begging me for forgiveness if I'm being honest. 

Side note, your wife isn't a 10 and neither are you.

Apathy_Anger

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122269235#Comment_122269235

I could retire in the next few years, but way too young for that, so yes 10+ years off that and plenty of life in me should I need to start again.

We have been wonderful and stuck together for the last number of years which why 'the knowing' now is actually the hardest part if I'm being honest - She should have kept it to herself, it was an illogical revelation but she believed I deserved to know and felt we were strong enough to get through.

I have brought up this and the Fear of being alone with my therapist, maybe the best way for me to focus on my own thoughts is by not having her voice near me for a while, we have continued being very physical as usual which I like but is probably clouding thought but shows I still like her (and I do). I am planning to go to my best mate who lives abroad for few days next month.

While I do believe I can forgive, Can I forget?, Her having sex with someone else hurts a lot less than her sharing her secrets with someone else, a person she obviously trusted more than me for quite a while.

As you mention from knowing someone in a similar situation - will that eat at me in years to come when I should walked away, will I get angry at myself at a later point for reliving my mistakes from years ago of doing stuff for the bigger picture and not thinking more short term and all about me.

Oscar_Madison

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122269931#Comment_122269931

Thanks for the reply and hope you’ve better days ahead -I think that’s a question you can leave aside for another day- considering how things are going right now, you’re not in any hurry to make a decision - getting your mind in a good place is probably priority no.1.

I didn’t mean to say “you’ll probably end up like this couple I knew”, but I can see that I might have implied that- the future is there for both of you to be written whatever way you feel. I guess what I meant to say was, if you both ultimately commit to the future, that will likely mean you’ll draw a line under this at some point - personally I think it’s too early to do that and you need to give yourself time for thinking and deciding how you feel- the olde change curve of denial anger depression towards acceptance etc has probably only begun for you - you’ve a right to be angry but hopefully this won’t drag you down into a depression no matter how minor - keep talking to those close to you - I think you need a good independent support network of family and close friends who can be there for you

Apathy_Anger

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122269927#Comment_122269927

I can only give my perspective at present but if I was to give you a snapshot of how she feels,

She is sickened at how she treated me and disrespected me, cries each and every day, is truly remorseful for all the hurt she has caused me, she has never downplayed it or dismissed the enormity of it, accepting that it was all her fault.

Boxed off is the way she describes how she was able to continue when she finished it, boxing away what she did then and hoping it never resurfaced, But she then told me, in an act of self sabotage, guilt or over confidence in us.

She didn't see what she had and let it last far too long for reasons she has told me (but no matter what they are, they have no justification).

Which is why forgiveness is a possibility,

Let's leave the 10 talk out from now on, we're all 10's in someone's eyes.