Wife obsessed with male (gay) friend - marriage on the brink

luckyboy

Hi there, I’d really welcome some opinions on this. Married 20 years, together 27 years (since Leaving Cert) and have 3 teenaged kids (one with ASD). Our kids were lucky to have an amazing teacher, but he left the school at Christmas owing to a fall-out. Hearing this, my wife sprung into action and penned a heartfelt letter and got most of the parents to sign, basically appealing to the school to keep him because of how amazing he is. He’s gone out on his own now, and tutors by the hour. My wife has signed our kids up to this and to his Saturday club. She and he communicate via WhatsApp and I am not included (I asked, but she refused, saying it would be “weird”). During spring he was coming over to our place two evenings per week supposedly for a 1-hour tutoring session with our kids. My wife has insisted on cooking him dinner, which he eats first and then they chat. The session overruns and he basically stays in our place for about 3-4 hours each time (and sometimes twice a week). She’s now invited him to stay in our house back in Ireland (we currently live abroad) and is going back with him to drive him around, missing our 20-year anniversary in the process. And then, the day she gets back to me, after 3 nights away, she announces that she wants to invite this guy to a concert with her (reasoning that I wouldn’t be interested). When I protest, she says “Don’t be silly. He’s gay. He’s much younger” and then accuses me of being jealous and controlling. I think I may be losing my mind here, but does any of this sound normal? My attempts to impose boundaries have had no effect, and it just seems to be snowballing more and more. My kids really like this teacher and I think my wife is using this (plus his supposed orientation) as cover for her own infatuation. I’m so frazzled over this, I am at the point of ending the marriage. Is this an overreaction on my part? Thanks for any advice …

Babyreignbow

If this was a woman your wife was engaging in a friendship with would you be as upset? All those things sound like normal female friendship situations, your wife obviously feels safe enough with him to enjoy his company. Unless you tend to want to control your wifes friendships I'm at a loss as to why this upsets you so much.

Luna84

I only read as far as teacher leaving so sorry if it was mentioned but what the hell would the kids care a teacher was leaving the school. In my primary school you had a different teacher every year and then in secondary a different teacher for each class throughout the day. Teachers were horrible in my day so I would have been happy one was leaving. I'd say your wife had something going on with him well before he planned to leave. Seems odd for her to get involved with the school regarding something she had no part to be involved in.

mykrodot

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122292245#Comment_122292245

I'm not.

Even if this was a female surely the amount of time spent eating and chatting goes way over and beyond tutoring a teenager?

And if this"gay male teacher" wants to go to Ireland and stay in the OP's house why does he need to be chaperoned by OPs wife? What age is he? Can he not find the house himself and find his bearings? Most of us travel everywhere and anywhere, we have Eircodes, Google Maps, we don't need our hand held as adults or to be "shown around". Bearing in mind OP's wife is leaving him and his 3 teenage kids in order to do this……then is coming back and immediately going to a concert with the teacher?

Give me a break! Even if this was a female most husbands would be raising eyebrows and asking what the hell is going on. And I am a female!

Luna84

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122292245#Comment_122292245

You are gullible if you don't think there is something going on. She is spending way too much time with this guy getting involved when he planned to leave the school. What had that got to do with her. Absolutely nothing is what. He comes around the house for hours, do you not think that is weird?

SCOOP 64

See you point babyreignbow but at the end of the day this is a man not a woman, what if he swings both ways I think I might be concerned myself.

Babyreignbow

Really? Must be just me so. I don't understand why "gay male" is in inverted commas, do you think he's sjust pretending to be gay?

Babyreignbow

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122292269#Comment_122292269

Do you know any gay men? I can assure you they're no more interested in having a relationship with a straight woman then you are with a gay man.

SCOOP 64

Well no but doesn't mean something could develope, maybe not, still Think i would feel as a husband uncomfortable.

jackboy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122292279#Comment_122292279

Would It also be OK for a middle aged married with children man to befriend a young lesbian woman, including heading off for weekends away with her and concerts? Wife speaks up and he accuses her of being controlling. Does that sound OK?

standardg60

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122292263#Comment_122292263

Indeed, add in exclusion from the whatsapps and missing the anniversary she either wants out or taking OP for granted.

Only way to find out is for OP to seriously suggest ending the marriage, as hard as that sounds.

Pauliedragon

I'm honestly not being a smartarse here but are you sure he's gay and it's not her covering for herself? This seems way over the top platonic relationship or not. I don't think your overreacting at all. You need to have a long sit down with her and explain that this guy is getting in the way of your marriage. It's certainly not normal. Inviting him to stay, spending hours with him, going to gigs with him because you wouldn't be interested? I've been to lots of gigs I had no interest in with my wife and vice versa we just went to have a night together. I think ending the marriage is a bit premature but some serious boundaries need to be set and does he not realise that it's strange to be spending so much time with a married woman with no interaction with her husband? A long sit down with her is urgently needed and if she doesn't understand there's an issue something seriously isn't right and maybe professional help might be needed with a marriage counsellor maybe.

SteM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122292254#Comment_122292254

Why wouldn't you bother read the full post? What useful advice can you give after only reading 20% of the original post?

Babyreignbow

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122292288#Comment_122292288

I see your point. A straight man probably isn't interested in a gay woman for her personality though. Women tend to feel safe around gay men and they can be fun to be with, especially if his wife is feeling lonely and doesn't have much female companionship. The op says they are living abroad atm so it might just be a case of having someone to spend time with.

I don't think the op should be concerned about it being anything other than a friendship however.

Luna84

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122292305#Comment_122292305

I read it after. I was transfixed on the teacher leaving the school. I hated teachers as they weren't nice to me so I was wondering why would kids care one left then also transfixed on the wife getting involved in something she had nothing to be part of(regarding him leaving). Seemed very strange to me and after regarding the whole thing she is obviously into this guy and deffo something going on.

CorneliusBrown

How can you be sure he’s gay?

Babyreignbow

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122292289#Comment_122292289

End your friendship with the gay man or end the marriage, yeah? Yeah not controling at all. I think marriage counselling is probably a really good idea.

Pauliedragon

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122292279#Comment_122292279

Gay straight or not he's interfering in a marriage. He must realise the two are spending a bit too much time together. If I was the friend I would have invited OP to the gig as a friendly gesture, not get in the way of the anniversary and say to her go enjoy your annivarsary we'll meet up next time. This friendship has more red flags than sports shop ffs.

mykrodot

Even if this guy is 100% gay, the fact OP's wife is spending so much time with him is emotionally very tough on OP. Nobody ignores their married partner to this extent and expects everything to stay rosy at home and just to brush things off saying "you wouldn't be interested" or "that would look weird"!!

(I was in a relationship for 2 years with a man and even got pregnant with him (which I miscarried) only to find out he was gay but ashamed to "come out", so stuff happens, lines get blurred and anything can happen ).

OP's wife might be bored in the marriage and looking for outside attention and stimulation. If she was happy she probably wouldn't be seeking out this teacher's attention. Its still a huge disrespect to OP and to their marriage.

Babyreignbow

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122292351#Comment_122292351

No he's not, unless you consider his wife to not be permitted to have a friend. From what I'm reading he didn't invite himself into her life, she clearly thinks highly of him as a person and as a teacher. I understand the op may be jealous of another man but that's the op's issue and it might be something that needs to be worked out in a theraputic setting.

As someone who's had frienships with gay men I'd be very concerned about the level of control being placed on his wife. Granted I wasn't in a relationship with anyone else but I'd never have considered them as anything other than good people who I had a lot of time for and if any man gave me an ultimatum I'd be quick to tell them where to go.

I see sheep

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058356923/wife-obsessed-with-male-gay-friend-marriage-on-the-brink

I think the answer is pretty simple like.

You need to sit down with your wife and tell her how you feel.

If she loves you she'll cool it with yer man and it'll be all good.

If she refuses then get a solicitor.

volchitsa

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122292321#Comment_122292321

You're assuming he's 100% gay and not bi at all. That seems naive. I know several men who presented as gay when we met, but who have since had relationships with women.

But even generally, if we had someone coming in supposedly to tutor our kids and who was spending more time hanging around with my o/h than with the kids they were meant to be teaching, plus there was a whatsapp thing going on that I was excluded from, and then going on holiday with them etc etc - TBH no matter what the sex of the respective participants I'd find that more than a bit much.

That's way more than a "friendship". It sounds like a teenage style crush. Not appropriate for a married person, even if it's not sexual.

I don't know whether going straight to "ending the marriage" is the right response, but for sure some honest talking is needed, and it sounds as though it may require some level of help or counselling to do that.

Ted222

whether or not he’s gay is perhaps beside the point. Your wife is more interested in spending considerable time with someone else than with you.

She needs to appreciate that you’re uncomfortable with the relationship. While she might genuinely think you’re overreacting, as your life partner she should have some regard for your feelings.

Babyreignbow

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122292384#Comment_122292384

I'm hearing what you're saying but I'm not buying it. Most gay men are just gay, really not interested in sexual relationships with a woman. He didn't say he was coming in tutoring ther kids, he may be operating in a private capacity in his own premises. I doubt she sees him as anything other than a gay man and if she is as naive as me then she genuinely only sees him as a good company. Maybe there are other issues in the marriage and he is filling a void but I'd not consider it in any way sexual or romantic.

Would she be expected to share whatapp conversations with a female friend? She has to show the girltalk to her husband, she went to a gig with a gayman and drove him back home after he visited them in Ireland. They are married for 20+ years, it sounds like your wife trusted you'd be ok with this.

No I don't think it's reasonable, I think it's an issue alright and I do think counselling is probably the best solution.

Tork

What was your marriage like before this? Your wife seems to be getting something from this friendship that she hasn't been from your marriage. You're together a long time and perhaps day to day life has ground everyone down. I don't think you should issue any ultimatums but ye definitely need to have a chat about where things are going in your marriage.

Pauliedragon

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122292370#Comment_122292370

Maybe it's just me but i would have the same reaction if the OPs wife was behaving the same way with a straight woman. It's about the interference in the marriage. My best friend happens to be a woman and men who she might start seeing don't seem to like that mostly. So when she get's in a relationship I take a step back. We see each other every day but no way would I meet her every day if she was married with kids. The friend here should be thinking to himself that maybe I'm a bit in the way here sometimes and cut back on the amount of time they spend together. That doesn't mean they can't be friends.

jackboy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122292434#Comment_122292434

He didn't visit them in Ireland. He went for a weekend away with his wife in Ireland.

volchitsa

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122292434#Comment_122292434

If she had a new female friend that she was having the sort of overly-intense friendship the OP described then I'd really think that was weird. What's the point in being married if your most intense relationship is with someone else entirely - and especially when it's not even an old friend with whom she might have a history from before she met her husband, but someone she's only recently met?

The thing about the Whatsapp group is not because I'd normally expect someone to share personal conversations, but this was allegedly the kids' tutor, so why was the husband excluded from the off? Sounds frankly bizarre.

Babyreignbow

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122292443#Comment_122292443

I'm kinda glad I'm not married, I'd never be able for that level of control.

standardg60

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122292434#Comment_122292434

You need to read the OP again, you're way off in your statements.

volchitsa

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122292453#Comment_122292453

LOL Try bringing up three children, one of whom has ASD, with someone who acts like a giddy teen when they meet an interesting new friend. It's not about control it's about being able to rely on someone completely and without question because your relationship is what matters to them rather than their latest crush.

And you're right, if you're not able for that level of responsibility, just don't get married - and more important, don't have children.