How do I stop myself from becoming clingy?

ClaudeVercetti

In my early 30s and been seeing a woman of the same age for the last 3-4 months.

We were both in long term (8 years for me, 10 for her) relationships in our 20s that both ended and both took time off dating since then for a long time. I'd seen a couple people in the last year but this is the first time in a long time I feel like I've got genuine deep feelings for her.
Lately I find myself wanting to talk to her a lot and see her a lot more than we have been (Once or twice a week on average). She's often told me how much she likes me etc but she's also not really the clingy type and I thought I wasn't but I'm thinking about her a lot and when we can't see each other for whatever reason (a conflict or whatever) I can't help but feel a bit gutted?

I think I've done well to play it cool to this point and I'm concerned about coming across clingy and demanding if I do start putting pressure on things and spoiling what otherwise feels like something really enjoyable at the moment. Has anyone experienced similar/can spare some wisdom on what might be best to do in this scenario? I wouldn't have considered myself this type of person before, at least not at this stage of life so this feels like it needs to be approached carefully.

Bobby_Bolivia

I don't see the problem with wanting to see her more - I'm dating a girl for a similar timeframe (we're an 'official' couple now) and if I just saw her once a week (I know you mentioned once or twice) then I'd definitely be feeling like that's not enough, and her the same. We make a point to see each other once during the week, and then have one or two days on the weekend together depending on what's going on, with a sleepover usually thrown in (both living at home so not always feasible). Then again, we don't text too much so we are both eager to see each other when the time does come around as we have plenty to talk about. For us it's twice or three times, so I'm just telling you that so you know, you're not weird wanting it to be that rather than once or twice.

Do you find that you're the one suggesting all or the majority of the meetups and that she isn't suggesting any, so you feel uncomfortable suggesting even more meetups?

What I would recommend is to have stuff going on in your life independent of her - I go to the gym between 4-6 days a week, I do Parkrun, play 5 a side, meet the lads etc. Have a life outside the relationship too.

But I wouldn't say it's clingy to want to see her more. Different people have different preferences and it's about finding someone that matches yours. If you're actually confident/comfortable in the relationship then the most obvious thing is to communicate with the other person to let them know you'd like to see them more. If they like you back as much they'll be flattered and eager. If they aren't then either they don't like you as much or they have different ideas surrounding what is and isn't enough in a relationship, which may end up spelling a problem longer term.

thefa

Completely understandable to be gutted when the person doesn’t seem to reciprocate growing feelings. I will say that I think clingy can sometimes be thrown around too easily by those who don’t share the same level of commitment. I find it hard to imagine a person being clingy for wanting to see someone more than once or twice a week.

I’m thinking back to when I started seeing my wife and the frequency of seeing each other just built up mutually. There were no labels or intentions for a relationship but it just naturally got to it.

Obviously you may have entered this relationship and maintained it for 3-4 months on certain terms but I think it’s fine to want more at some point. There’s a risk of losing what you currently have but how long would you be happy keeping it as is?

If you don’t mind me asking, do you go on dates with this woman?

ClaudeVercetti

Hey Folks, I just wanted to chime in and thank you both for your really insightful replies. I took it away and it was a bit of a mirror moment where I realised that I don't think this person was wanting to move things along now nor could I get any indication that this would go this way in the future (this kind of went against what our earlier conversations and aspirations were).

Sometimes you need to see it spelled out plainly in front of you. I was in a situation where I wanted to progress and she wanted things to stay casual and I thought maybe I was the problem because of that. We had a chat and I think that I may have been clouded by feelings to properly admit that while there was initially engaged in great mutual attraction, there's some unresolved past feelings for her and previous relationships that have bubbled up to the surface and ultimately that stopped this. I won't go into too many more details but we've decided to call it a day. I really appreciate the replies and the reality check on your end. I've a lot to think about for my future and how I perceive things but I'm optimistic - thanks again folks!