Friendship Ending After a Decade; Would Like Feedback

o1s1n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122938788#Comment_122938788

So you can agree then that your thoughts and compulsions regarding this man are about as logical and healthy as an obese person eating themselves to death?

Because that's where we are with this now. Everything is emotive and compulsive, there's no logic. You're not acting with reason.

Hannibal_Smith

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122938788#Comment_122938788

The only reason you stopped contact was because he threatened you. Not because of any heeding of advice on the thread.

You dont have to accept any advice. You're right you are caught up in the emotions of it. But that is all the more reason to listen to a more objective take, rather than going with your emotional impulses, because the results of those actions are prolonging your issue. You can compare it to any kind of ailment you want but it's down to simple self control, which you need to master.

The White Wolf

How is your partner doing these days OP?

friendship_issue

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122940779#Comment_122940779

My other half understands perfectly well that I have a tendency to obsess over things - not just people, but things generally. It's a common thread that has needled its way through quite a lot of things.

It doesn't make it right of course, but he at least understands my perspective on matters.

Buddy Bubs

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122938788#Comment_122938788

You haven't heeded any of it. You added him on Facebook, that's contact. You've just compared yourself to an obese eating themselves into poor health and this is exactly what you're doing to yourself, mentally instead of physically.

You have to figure out what's driving your compulsions here, you've denied you're in love with him but you're a gay man chasing and looking for validation from another man, if this was a straight man pursuing a women here in the same way it would be clear it was love. Or at least limerence (Google that if you don't know it) or infatuation. It would also be bordering on creepy and possibly stalking if it was a man and a woman involved here.

There's a lot going on beneath the surface you either can't or won't see, but we've all spotted it glaringly here. Some of us have been in the situation before or at least known friends and family members that have. And it's the same, nothing new to see here at all.

We aren't trying to hammer you, just want you to see what's really going on. You've said counselling won't work for you and id tend to agree because you have to be willing to listen. I don't know you or your partner nor anything about your relationship but for many partners, you'd be in danger of losing whatever you have obsessing over someone else like this

JoChervil

If anything, I'm pretty sure I could convince the so-called counsellor that they agree with me.

How can you be so sure about it, if you haven't managed to convince anyone here?

sporina

at OP - just let it go… wish him well and you well (in your head and heart).. there are things in life that we may never understand - but shud be let go of none the less.. surrender, accept and let go.. and get on with your life.. its short

BorneTobyWilde

You seem obsessed with him, and jealous of him seeing other women. I can't think of anyone I know what would pay for someone to come to Ireland, then put them up, and pay their way when here. That's not normal, who does that.

Big Bag of Chips

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122941062#Comment_122941062

You know this isn't normal, right? Why do you think you have to accept that in your life? Why did you think your partner needs to accept you obsessing over things? Especially another man?

This is not normal behaviour. It is disrupting your life. It has cost you a lot of money.

You need to try get a handle on this. It must be exhausting for you. But also exhausting for your partner.

sporina

major co dependancy issues at play here I think - but now there is only 1 person actively pursuing it

friendship_issue

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122941368#Comment_122941368

He is not well off, and is basically living month to month - or thereabouts.

I'm in a far more fortunate position so I decided I would help out on that basis. In retrospect, I should have just offered the room and made no offer to purchase the flights. The flights to get him to Dublin were booked last minute and so cost me €440.

On the Tuesday when I expressed concern about the way the trip was heading, I told him that I wouldn't pay for the return flight anymore (as they weren't booked by that stage). He was angry and claimed I had broken our agreement (as I did say I'd pay for flights originally). Once we discussed the matter, the next day I said I would commit to the agreement made and went ahead and booked the return flights for him (€240).

Dial Hard

Genuine question OP - what are you actually getting out of this thread at this point??? You've had pretty much unanimous advice at this stage, all of which you've unilaterally decided to ignore due to your endless list of really big buts about why this isn't what it seems.

I genuinely think the mods should just lock this. We're all just shouting into the void.

mountain

OP, do yourself a big favour and drop this.
it’s not a healthy or rewarding friendship, if it even was a friendship

sporina

OP if your totally against counselling, maybe consider a course in personal development

Life is too short for suffering as you are - be good to yourself - but you will need to be honest with yourself too

Best of luck in any event x

daibhi574

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122938242#Comment_122938242

because it's a nonsense thread most probably to create content, payed by whoever to create content for this clowns internet site it has become. 'mods' go along nicely with this, they are no real mods anymore, bs like this would have been locked long ago when it was a real site here. but this so called 'mods' even respond now to keep this sh++ going. real people who are not just payed content creators should see this and stop posting on this site. it's pi+++ taking, you are being used!! I give it 10min AI is detecting this message and being deleted because of telling the truth to people.

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WARNED: 1 week forum ban applied.

There is no AI moderation on Boards.ie. The moderators have to manually action rubbish like this 😊

Tork

You mentioned obese people in your explanation about why you won't seek help. If you were to ask a load of obese people about their weight, the vast majority of them will be able to tell you exactly why they've piled on the pounds. They also know how to lose weight again. Yet, as we are all aware, that is far easier said than done. Very few obese people manage to achieve a healthy weight on their own. The ones who manage it usually have to reach out to others for help because they've come to realise they can't do it on their own. They might like to, but they've recognised that they can't. Some succeed, some don't. The alternative is that they continue to carry this excess weight until events overtake them.

You are the equivalent of a long-term obese person who insists that they're grand and that they'll shed seven stone without any help from anybody. Yet everybody around you knows that you don't have it in you to do it without help. The thing is, you have a long-established track record of getting this wrong. You have already told us that you had a long-term friend who was horrible to you for over a decade, yet you persisted with the friendship. Now you're hung up on this person, and history is repeating itself. Most of us have enemies who've been less awful to us than this "friend" of yours. You assured us a few pages back that you were grand and that this wouldn't happen again. Yet you've continued to try to keep contact alive with this man. Facebook is just another way of prodding at him, hoping to get the reaction you crave.

Did you start the thread hoping that somebody would come along and assure you that the friendship isn't over? That's what it looks like to me. You certainly aren't showing any desire to change the way you are or to accept that you got this horribly wrong.

friendship_issue

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122942592#Comment_122942592

I haven't ignored "all" the advice. I have many times said where I fell short and agreed with most of the criticism levelled against my decisions at the time. Did I react irrationally by over-contacting him after I had been blocked? Yes, but at that time I was still very bruised by the experience and it still felt very raw. Similarly, I'm still a little stressed out about the whole situation, even now, but not as bad as a few weeks ago.

Second, I am not forcing anyone to respond to this thread. If some people don't like the thread or my contributions to it, they don't need to enter and reply.

Third, I have many times now heard the response that this is a "fake" story. I'm getting a bit fed up reading that, to the point now where I am more than happy to send screenshots of the various emails and correspondence with this former friend to a moderator to verify the validity of this issue.

BorneTobyWilde

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122943355#Comment_122943355

What does your husband, BF, partner think of all this …

JoChervil

OP, maybe your story is not fake and you are not a WUM, but you want the same reaction from participants. You want piss people off with your actions. People do so when they can't create positive connections, so they at least want a strong negative reaction to feel that they matter. So you badly need counselling… I feel sorry for you and I am no longer going to feed your hunger for an abuse…

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Warning: Breach of Charter. This is your second warning in this thread. Do not post again.

mykrodot

its unusual for a thread to be unanimous in its advice and response. Usually its a mix. Not so here.

All had gone quiet, everyone had said their bit yet suddenly on 8 Dec OP decided to update us all on his renewed efforts to keep some form of communication going with Faroe Islands Man.

Like another poster said I would imagine Faroe Islands Man isn't even bothered what level of blocking he has, he is just done, finished, out. As Big Bag of Chips also said I can't imagine how exhausting this level of obsession is, for both OP and indeed Faroe Islands Man. It is indeed stalking and harassment and if a man was doing that with me as a woman, I would be taking the matter further.

I do agree with people who have taken the time to reply and advise that OP is getting some kind of kick from keeping this going. If 100% of posters agree we cannot help OP then what is the point of the thread, OP does not want to be helped.

If OP is looking for advice or feedback and is only getting negative feedback , what is he doing here? Surely a session of counselling would be far more helpful, especially as OP feels he can get the counsellor to agree with him!

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Warned: breach of charter. Post falls short of the standard expected in this forum.

gameoverdude

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122944469#Comment_122944469

Wait until the guy needs support again and the message will come(Faroe guy).

friendship_issue

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122944469#Comment_122944469

Alright, I've had enough of this kind of comment. I'm stepping away from this thread totally, I hope you're proud of yourselves.

gameoverdude

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122944576#Comment_122944576

Show this this thread to your partner.

I imagine they won't be ecstatic.

Stop contact completely. It's not completely your fault of course, but you need to realise it's not just about you.

Big Bag of Chips

A number of posts have been warned for falling short of the standard expected in this forum. Personal issues has a very specific forum charter. All posters are reminded to familiarise themselves with it before posting here again.

Due to the sensitive nature of the topics here it is a heavily moderated forum.