Feel like I'm being mentally tortured

User184

Can someone help with advice please.

I feel like my partner of over 10 years is mentally torturing me. A couple of months ago I went out for a night with my friends while my partner was away on a lads weekend. This was well over 6 months ago but my partner all of a sudden has it in his head that I cheated on him on this particular night away. I done absolutely nothing wrong I wasn't even drinking and multiple people that were out with me can confirm this. In fact They have confirmed this because he has went to every single one of them individually to ask them if I have. ( something I have just recently found out about) he has took my phone on numerous occasions when I have been asleep and has went through it. In the last couple of weeks this has been a constant occurrence where he is fine for a while maybe a week or two and then out of no where he starts up an argument again, accusing me of doing something to him behind his back. He will sit in silence for hours without talking to me until I keep asking or questioning what his problem is then he starts the whole argument again. I have had to repeat to him numerous times that this is insane it makes no sense why he is acting like this and assure him I was never unfaithful. He tells me he's sorry and he will stop But he keeps doing it over and over again.

Lately i find he is doing things and saying things to wind me up, for instance when he starts an argument and I tell him to quit behaving like this he will start insulting me or keep calling me a liar, he knows I hate lies or people lying and other things he knows will trigger me and wind me up, he keeps doing it until I feel like I'm reaching breaking point.

I feel like breaking point came the other night when my friends contacted me to tell me that he was texting them off a different number pretending to be me and telling them do they think I should admit to him that I was unfaithful. My friends knew it was, I knew it was him even by the way the messages were wrote, everyone basically knew it was him but he point blankly denied doing it to them when they confronted him. He even said they should go to the guards to find out who did it. My friends informed me that he has been pestering one of their partners asking did he think I had cheated on him that night and my friends partner laughed at him saying I was the quietest person he knew. My friend told me that if he is doing this to them then he is clearly saying stuff like this about me to others and making me look like I'm some sort of cheater that he can't trust. I feel so embarrassed by what he has done. I can't believe he has went to this extreme I don't even know why this is happening, I was so mad with what he had done but he kept denying it was him and then started insulting me and saying nasty things when I told him to leave to the point where I ended up smashing a plate out of temper. I have never in my life done something like this, iv never had a temper before ever, when I did it he said look at what you've done your a psycho smashing a plate for no reason. I didn't mean to smash the plate I just couldn't take anymore of what he was saying to me.

I told him I was leaving instead with our son, and he said if I left he would do something to himself so that we would never see him again. He said I was a bully, that I was the one who started all this and now I was getting a temper when being confronted. I really don't know what to do, I'm trying to keep my son sheltered from all of this Insanity and I really don't know where all of this has come out of but I feel like I'm being mentally tortured for nothing, he never acted this bad before or started saying stuff to me like this and I don't want my son witnessing any of this. I know I should walk away but how do you walk away from someone who is threatening to harm themselves everytime.

ferg01

Leave now. Threatening to hurt himself is typical behaviour of bullying and controlling behaviour. Go someplace safe with your child and work on a full separation. You are not and cannot be held accountable for his actions. What he chooses to do is entirely his decision. Are you expected to stay with him for the rest of your life and be miserable because of his probably empty threats?

Buddy Bubs

Him saying that he will harm himself is another reason to leave, not a reason to stay. That's controlling, emotional blackmailing at it's very worst.

What he has done with contacting your friends in the manner he has is absolutely bonkers, he has lost the plot completely.

He doesn't believe you didn't cheat and there's nothing you can do to change it.

I don't know the man personally but sounds like you are in dangerous territory at this stage.

Dial Hard

There's one of three things going on here, imo:

1. He cheated himself and is deflecting the guilt onto you by accusing you of doing the same.
2. He's having some sort of mental episode, in which case you need to decide if it's safe to be in the house with him while it's ongoing.
3. He's always been a controlling asshole and his behaviour is escalating now, as controlling behaviour always, inevitably, does.

Actually, it's also very possible that it's a combination of 1 and 3.

Hand on heart time, OP - has he always had a bit of a temper/been the jealous type? People very, very rarely morph from being perfectly well-adjusted individuals into the type of person you've described in your post. So if he was genuinely a lovely person up until now, then we're back to option 2, in which case he needs medical help and you also need to decide if you and your son are safe with him in the meantime.

User184

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123043978#Comment_123043978

Thanks for the reply, we have had a few arguments over the years here and there but nothing like this ever before it just came out of the blue it's like he is fixated on this particular weekend. I have asked him has he done something he's not proud of and is pushing the blame on me or hoping that he can pin something on me but he starts this silliness saying I know he'd never do anything like that to me that I'm the only person in the world he loves and it's annoying because I do ask him so why is he doing this to me, he says he trusts me but he just gets jealous and he's sorry for loving me so much! It is absolutely insane I don't even know what to think of it all. I have packed a suitcase more times than I can count in the last 3 weeks alone but everytime I go to leave he's threatening to hurt himself or jumping into his car and leaving first only to ring me and tell me to tell our son he said good bye because we will never see him again

Citizen Six

Time to get out of the relationship and take your son with you.

ledwithhedwith

he sounds like a complete psychopath, get him out of your life immediately. Sorry you have to deal with him.

YellowLead

Been there done that and waited FAR too long to get out. I’m my case it was threats to kill me as opposed to himself and he’d never talk to our son again. I left anyway (secretly when he was at work).

It’s not going to get any better - sit down and talk it all over with a friend/friends or family and come up with a plan.

Buddy Bubs

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123044023#Comment_123044023

Say goodbye one way or the other. You can't use suicide as a threat or blackmail.

I've heard of it before alright, he's not unique here in using that threat.It's a horrible thing to do.

Dial Hard

The threats of suicide are complete and utter manipulation, it's one of the oldest tricks in the books.

How old is your son, may I ask? This is all potentially very damaging for him.

You don't need to make a permanent decision right this very minute, but at the very least, I do think you need to go and stay with family/friends for a while while he goes and seeks professional help for whatever is going on with him. Things certainly can't just go on like this indefinitely.

thefa

Some of his actions come across as unhinged and have you at breaking point but the only options he’s giving you are stay or he’ll kill himself.

If he had any bit of self-reflection, he’d be offering to get his head sorted to save your relationship but he doesn’t sound like the type to take responsibility.

rustynutz

Leave now and don't look back, he sounds like a jealous and controlling pos. These situations generally get worse, not better. Ignore his suicide threats, this is another tool to control you. Good luck.

spakman

Maybe he's having a breakdown or has a mental problem.

Has he been to a doctor or therapist? Maybe you should suggest that, and if he denies there's a problem or refuses to go, then at least you tried.

Things certainly can't continue as they are - so if he doesn't get help, you have to leave. Make that clear to him.

extra-ordinary_

OP…has your partner started 'smoking' or taking other drugs?

Meeoow

I've been there. It took me 2 years to get away from him. He kept saying he would kill himself if I left, but treating me like crap. Pure coercion. Sounds like he did the dirty that weekend. You need to be strong and leave.

suvigirl

Has his behaviour come out of the blue? You're together over 10 years, has jealously and paranoia been an issue before?

If not, it all started on that weekend, perhaps he did something himself then? Does he drink much or take many drugs?

taxAHcruel

People break up and get dumped all the time. It hurts and it is one of the suckiest parts of life. But most people of all ages get on with it. Because they are normal and stable.

Someone who threatens to - or even does - kill themselves because of a break up. Are they normal and stable? If not - then is that someone you want living with you and your son who I assume is one of if not the most precious thing in the world to you? Do you feel he is safe there? Do you feel you are?

Forget about the relationship things you said you do not want him to witness. Do you think he is actually safe around such a person? Especially as you said the behaviors are escalating and getting worse. Is this person not just unstable but getting more so? What happens if and when he starts saying "I will kill myself if you do not admit what you did that weekend?". What then? Will you continue to deny or will you "admit" a falsehood just to appease? What else will you do to appease? Never live your life and go on weekends away or nights away or anything ever again. Because that likely will not help.

I wouldn't. I'd be gone. Not just gone but gone in a way that keeps my precious children away from that threat. And if that person did kill themselves that's 100% on them and 0% on me and I would feel zero guilt for making my absolutely correct choice. But most likely he will do no such thing. Rather he will see his threats have started to fail so he will find new ones.

"Do X or I will kill myself" is not just torture as your thread title calls it - it is wanton and coercive psychological and mental abuse and assault. You are being abused. Get out and contact one of the many helplines for women who have been abused for further advice and ideas on how to proceed. And above all recognize you have no guilt in this equation because the way you phrased your posts above give the strong impression you feel like some of this is on you.

mykrodot

I feel so sorry for you OP.

You are not the one going mad, but that's what emotional abuse is all about. Its about making YOU feel bad, feel wrong, feel like you have to fix something. You don't.

I lost 2 years out of my life with a man like this, he could spin on a sixpence. I have never met someone so clever, so manipulative, I almost lost my mind with him. He would start a fight out of nothing, always about perceived flirting, male attention, suspected affairs, NONE of which were true. I was absolutely mad about him and would never have looked at another man.

He almost broke me but I got out in time. I didn't have kids with him but regardless you need to get out now before he breaks you. The people who threaten suicide never carry it out because they don't have the balls, they are weak and manipulative people.

Get out now and take care of yourself and your boy. Good luck.

Dial Hard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123044023#Comment_123044023

Just reading this again and the "You're the only person in the world I love" and "I'm sorry if I love you too much" stuff jumps out as textbook manipulation. It's placing aaaaallllll the responsibility for his behaviour on you.

What about his parents? Siblings? Friends? Does he not love any of them???

This kind of framing is incredibly unfair on you because it's placing a burden on you that one person can't and shouldn't have to carry. One person can't supply everything someone else needs. Also, is he saying he doesn't love your son???

Honestly, OP, the more I think about this, the more concerned I am. Please, please do bring a support network into this, and go and stay with someone while you figure out your next steps.

CreadanLady

Textbook jealousy and coercive control.

Dump this absolute loser pos.

charlessmith22

You're worrying about his safety when you should be worrying about your own OP. His breakdown sounds very troubling.

You've done absolutely nothing wrong and don't let him convince you otherwise.

I'm very doubtful this has been a stand alone incident. You going out while he was away seems to have triggered him so much because I'm guessing he's always in control of your movements when he's at home and you're rarely out alone without him.

You need to seek the help of someone/people who can assist you moving out of this safely. Do you have brothers or maybe trusted male partners of your friends as moving out could turn very nasty? They clearly know what he's like already (due to his own insanity) and probably wiling you to leave and will be more than happy to help.

Please don't let yourself be gaslit or be manipulated into staying, this doesn't end well if you do.

Idle Passerby

My first thought was he cheated on you that weekend. But besides that, these are the early warning signs of a domestic abuse scenario. Leave with your son before it escalates.

Ash.J.Williams

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058387915/feel-like-im-being-mentally-tortured

He sounds like he's the cheater and is Projecting onto you