Separated Father - Advice/Previous Experiences

PatsStaff

I'm currently a separated father, never married. I will try to provide the general gist of my experience and would greatly appreciate any guidance or sharing of experiences as I'm really struggling at present. I will have to keep the specifics of my situation somewhat vague as I fear the other party may find this thread. I would also be very happy to provide the same to anybody who is just about to start this horrific journey

Current Situation: I moved out of the family property and am residing in my childhood home, have more than one child with the ex and the children are all younger than 5. The property is mortgaged and is currently valued at twice or more the remainder of the mortgage owed, The ex is not working and is claiming off the state, but is fit and able to do so. I have already been through the courts and an access, maintenance and guardian agreement is in place. There are no arrears on the property and I have kept up with all my commitments financially. I cherish the time with my children and have never missed any of my access. I am in an above average paid job, but am now earning less than the minimum wage following all of my deductions (this is before I pay my own expenses; rent, bills, groceries etc). So that's the basics.

The relationship was toxic and severely deteriorated over the last several years. There was coercive control and narcissistic traits exhibited. Finances were controlled, constant put downs, both privately and for an audience of friends and peers, and control in all matters of my life. Her mother moved into the property for childcare and still resides there although it's claimed she doesn't. The mother is not a native english speaker and so I was constantly isolated and spoken about in another language. My working schedule at the time resulted in me out of the house for an average of 12 hours a day with my day usually beginning at 5AM and so I missed all that time with my children as the sole bread winner - Almost all of my wages were transferred to a joint account which she controlled.

The ex has proven herself vindictive to date. I have been refused overnight access to the children and a section 12 report has been ordered. She does not advise me of the on-goings of the children, even when brought to the doctors, and I have had to seek information requests from several institutions in order to ascertain the welfare of my children, this information is not given to me as well when they are in my care and unwell and I'm often never notified of their current illness until I reach the front door to collect then. She will also attempt to antagonise me when collecting and/or dropping off.

She had assaulted a member of my family and changed locks on the family home. She has openly stated her intentions to cripple me financially to my face as she can avail of legal aid but I am above the threshold to qualify. She has now recently brought a case against me to increase maintenance payments to her with backdated charges, to sign over the house in her name and relinquish all interest in the property - I might add that approximately more than 3 times the amount of financial contributions, including lump sum payments, was contributed by me. I'm currently paying off a loan additionally for her purchase which sits in my name.

I am sorry for the length of the post, but I have had to include as much colour as possible to the situation.

Any help guys?

tjhook

You need proper legal advice pronto. Beg or borrow or do whatever you have to to pay for it. The system is generally broken and biased against fathers, but not to the degree that you're experiencing. I'd expect a good solicitor who specialises in family law to be able to at least ease your situation (and your mind) somewhat.

Good luck!

PatsStaff

Hey tjhook,

There's other information I've omitted that shows these biases as well against fathers with state bodies.

Thanks for the well wishes. I have a solicitor and am doing my best to juggle it all.

With thanks

AmberGold

Fck me, good luck OP. Sounds like you got a real live one.

Check out /DivorceMen on Reddit for some moral support even if US oriented.

Goodigal

Can't offer any advice because it sounds like you are doing your very best for your children while their mother is really giving women a bad name. I've heard several awful stories recently and it infuriates me. Parenting is priority, not getting one up on the other. You deserve to know if and when they're unwell at the very least.

These are very tough times for you but keep pushing things with your solicitor and hope you get somewhere with the courts and can have them overnight. You sound like a great dad, I hope you've got good family and friends around you to support you.

backwithabang

Seems to me the good dad's get thrashed far too much

I've been going through it for years. Paying 120 a week per child, paying medical etc, have them 30% of the time and yet the mother thinks maintenance does not cover sports, school camps, prescriptions, swimming etc. So is constantly with the hand and threatening court if I don't like it, called her bluff and she showed she is willing to not have them in sports. Recently filling 10 year olds head with all kinds of crap about me.

Bear in mind she has no rent or mortgage