In love with coworker. Accused of Harassment.

alroley

Leave that poor woman alone. You are a creep.

HazeDoll

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123279844#Comment_123279844

OP, do you understand that she's probably afraid of you now? At this moment she might well be looking at improving her home security or even considering a change of job because of your attentions. She's probably dreading seeing you at work. Too many women know that the romantic blathering of a 'nice guy' can turn to anger and revenge if it's not reciprocated.

You're not listening to the advice here and, worse, you're not listening to her.

o1s1n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123279677#Comment_123279677

If you made me a meal and I said 'I don't want the meal, I have no interest in you or your meals, go away', and you came back with another meal, I'd think you're absolutely crackers and if you worked in the same company as me I'd do exactly what this person did.

Penn

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123279677#Comment_123279677

"If, as HazeDoll says, I do not actually love my coworker, that it is just a fantasy I have dreamed up because I don't know them, then does that not also apply to their no? Their no is based on an idea of me not based on knowing me either. I know that knowing me may not change the no, it could make it even more definitive. But at least it would be based on knowing me."

They don't owe you the chance. They don't owe you the time to get to know you. You asked, she said no. Her reasons are her own, and she doesn't owe you any kind of explanation or second chance.

Everything that has happened after that is entirely on you. Stop. Don't even apologise or try to explain. Leave her alone.

You need to sort your own issues out, either with professional help or some serious soul searching. But leave her alone. She said no, and everything that you've done since has only strengthened that decision for her.

Purple Mountain

There's nothing wrong with being shy or anxious, OP. Many of us here probably have had a spectrum of one or both at some stage.

But persistent persual of a person who has repeatedly told no (both subtly to be polite and outwardly when that didn't fly) is creepy and disturbing to be on the other end.

You say you have good friends?

Have you discussed this situation with them?

BorneTobyWilde

• Mod snipped to remove video. Posting videos is against the charter

i can understand your point of view OP , The world is not a fair place.

But it's important to accept this, and be a realist .

suvigirl

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123279677#Comment_123279677

You don't love them.

You don't take good advise onboard.

Thats why you need professional help.

standardg60

I do wish that people wouldn't refer to the OP as a pest or a creep here, if the shoe was on the other foot, ie female to male, it wouldn't happen.

OP you really need to find another job, you will soon forget about that person once they're not in your life.

Glaceon

I was in your shoes once. I didn’t realise it at the time, but looking back I was bordering on stalker territory.

I went on a date with a woman who I found incredibly attractive. So much so, that I obsessed over her. I felt that the date went well, we had a good time, but she didn’t want a second one. I won’t go into the details of it because I kind of hate myself for it, but I did get therapy and it helped me. For me, there was definitely an element of being afraid to be alone for the rest of my life, but I was also diagnosed as autistic in the past year and this can be a factor. Thankfully this is all behind me. I’d strongly recommend seeking help.

HazeDoll

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123280003#Comment_123280003

A woman who behaved like that towards a younger man who made it clear that he wasn't interested would indeed find herself labelled a 'pest' and a 'creep', no doubt about it. She would also find herself having a little chat with somebody in HR.

Purple Mountain

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123280003#Comment_123280003

For all we know the OP could be a female and the colleague a male.

My advice stays the same.

Seth Brundle

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123280044#Comment_123280044

The OP refers to a "she" in the following post…

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123279768#Comment_123279768

@AnonQuery as others have said, seek professional help because this infatuated behaviour is not normal. Your job is already at risk and I really wouldn't be surprised if any further harassment resulted in garda action. Your advances towards this woman are not wanted so leave her alone!

Witcher

If this thread isn't a windup it's genuinely one of the most concerning I've ever seen on here.

OP your ability to say you understand their rejection in one breath and with the next say why their rejection isn't valid is astonishing.

Humour us and go to a counsellor even once, verbalise this in person and see their reacfion. I'm actually concerned about what you could do to yourself or this other person over this.

RubyGlee

you do not love this person you have become obsessed possible due to your fear and loneliness. If you loved this person you would not want them to be uncomfortable. Leave them alone and seek therapy.

bucketybuck

Speak to a professional, before the professional speaking to you is a policeman.

There is no twisting of words or philosophical slant that is going to make you less wrong here.

JoChervil

You know you love them from the first sight. They know they don't love you and they will never do from the first sight.

Why your knowing is better than their knowing?

Necro

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123279768#Comment_123279768

OP, I've read the thread, your issues, the responses and your rebuttals and the most striking thing to me is that you have not, for one moment considered this other person in your thoughts.

"I have been alone"

"How do I prove.."

"I assume.."

"I am not.."

Stop. This isn't Shakespeare and Banquo with his unrequited love, this is real life. You're only thinking of yourself in this obsession.

You say this has been going on for years, the other person has never once, in all that time shown any inclination of changing THEIR mind.

THEY have been unequivocal in rejecting your advances at every step.

THEY ignored your messages.

THEY rebuked you on social media outside of work.

THEY have now had enough as you will not accept no for an answer.

For the love of God can't you accept that the world does not revolve around you and your wants and needs? Leave them alone to live their own life.

Because if you don't then as another poster above me states you'll be having some very uncomfortable discussions with the Gardai in your future.

3DataModem

'I assume she doesn't fancy me because she finds me so ugly that even explaining that is repulsive to her."

• As mentioned above, you have associated a high degree of legitimacy, complexity, and authenticity to your own feelings. You have barely mentioned her and her feelings, other than to absolutely minimise the reason for her rejecting you as "she doesn't fancy me" and then attributed that to "finds me so ugly."

This is the most concerning thing about the above thread, and your responses. There is no sense of this woman existing as a person in your world, or any world, just as a vehicle for your affection and a mitigate of your fears about your future.

I echo the above suggestion that professional help would really help you.

AnnieinDundrum

I think professional help is needed before you get fired and a barring order.

A therapist or a lawyer?

con___manx1

Why did you ask her out when you barley knew her? This is not america.

It's not like the movies here. Irish women are a whole different breed. You should know that.

You should not **** where you eat either. In other words it's really dumb to go after someone in work. Even if it did go well for a while and then turned bad you are stuck with that person And it could be awkward. As he'll.

manonboard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123279768#Comment_123279768

Hi OP, Im going to take a bit of time from myself to reply to you. Im assuming you are not trolling and are geniunely lost. I want to say that firstly, you will find me agreeing with all the others here. It is VERY rare for all replies in a PI issue to agree, but this is very clear cut.

Let me first say that i dont think the word creep is useful to use as a noun. Since you asked about the difference between a creep/pest v shy/anxious. My partner is shy anxious. Absolutely at no stage does her shyness/anxiety make me feel unpleasant. One can be shy and very endearing, one can be anxious and very caring. However, the pestering/creepy behavior label comes into it when one makes another person feel persistently uncomfortable. Shyness doesn't make others feel uncomfortable, not respecting other peoples boundaries does. Anxiety doesn't make people feel uncomfortable about safety/consent, but your anxiety about your own difficulties is leading to behaviors that ARE making someone feel very very uncomfortable about safety ( so much that they asked for help from the office to control it )

You ask in a later post about contradictions of fantasies reducing her No to a fantasy based premise. This is incorrect and there is no contradiction. Ill try explain it the best i can. Its much easier for us to see from the outside of course because we dont have strong urges pulling us to see things a certain way. Your future happiness is based on a fantasy with this person. This is something that is easy to prove because you fell 'in love' the first time you saw her. You didnt know her traumas, her preferences, her boundaries, her friends, her personal hobbies, her habits, her ethics, her values, her beliefs, her dreams, her fears, her annoying habits, her inabilities, her emotional range, her needs, her safety concerns etc etc. Yet you still attached on to her this idea that you could be well with her. These HUGE and EXTENSIVE categories are just a fraction of how little you know about her.. yet you ascribe sooo much potential to her. You want to be with her because you wish to express your love for her.. but the her in your head is so based on ideas in your head largely governed by unresolved trauma that its going to be greatly inaccurate no matter how hard you try. This is why people are telling you its a fantasy.

Because you are trying to resolve ways to disprove peoples advice, and i understand its coming from a place of protection of your love for her as you see it, you asked isnt her no based on a fantasy? The answer is no, shes actually not rejecting you or evaluating you as a potention future partner. Her no is entirely based on what she has currently experienced from you. IF you had made her feel safe, well, loved, attractive, funny and humoured, etc etc.. she'd likely feel better towards you.. but her feelings she is having are based on her passed experiences with people who display behaviour like you, and about what you have made her feel so far. Her NO is based on reality, the fact that you've made her feel uncomfortable many many times already. A Male person making a female person feel unsafe is the most unattractive thing there is. Unfortunately that has already happened. Remember, this younger female person has older male people hitting on her almost every day or week and many times each month. She probably has fears right from the beginning of which men are going to be problematic to her every time she joins a job. This is a living real truth for her.

There are many many issues regarding your behaviour. Especially around boundaries that would frighten a woman very easily. Firstly, you dont seem to respect rejection. You seem to accept it in brief, but then the pain of that rejection and what you think it means, eventually leads to you fantasising about actions you could take to change it. You were shown she did not want to participate many many times, and yet you kept persisting. It was not romantic. Romantic in movies and real life is quite different because in movies, most of the time the male persistence is coming from a guy the girl doesnt feel might be a serious threat to her. You could potentially of already turned her work place into something she feels anxious about even going into incase she gets stuck in a situation with you.. and you dont know how many other male colleagues also could be interacting with her in ways she doesnt want to. She could be a long term relationship and purposefully not declare it for her own reasons and you could be making her feel super uncomfortable.

You have a terrifying fear of the future loneliness. This is a HUGE issue you need to work on in therapy. To clarify things for you more, a therapist will not help you fall out of love with this person. A therapist will help you understand the motivations, actions and consequences leading to your current situations, including deep rooted child hood issues, so that YOU make decisions to choose better types of love that WILL meet your needs much much better than this current situations. By the time you are done in therapy with a situation like this, this love will be revealed to you as very problematic FOR YOU.. and you'll likely feel some disgust at some beliefs you hold that were hurting you.. You will make new beliefs that will lead to better outcomes for you. You will fall in love again with different dynamics that are far less problematic, and it'll be with people who WANT to be you, as you are, right then. You'll sit around drinking coffee together at your place in the morning, not wondering if you'll ever get to sit around drinking coffee together.

xxyyzz

….

AnnieinDundrum

btw… you mention an age gap.

are you the older man in the office harassing the younger member of staff?

Stop before you do irreparable damage to her and your career

JayRoc

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058403290/in-love-with-coworker-accused-of-harassment

The first thing that jumps out at me is you saying you've been in love with them since the moment you met them.

You haven't. I'm sorry if it sounds harsh but you can't be in love with someone you just met. You can, however, be infatuated with them and that's what this is.

Not to say it doesn't hurt or that you can just click your fingers and make it go away, but there is no possible outcome here where the two of yee are going to end up together. It is just not going to happen and if you are incapable of understanding that, it is a problem.

It's also a problem that you don't understand how she feels. From her perspective, she has been the victim of repeated, unsolicited attention from an older co-worker she barely knows and despite making it clear she wants nothing to do with him, he has continued to pursue her and make her uncomfortable.

I'm not going to call you names or put you down, you've come here asking for advice. But you need to get professional psychological help.

Best of luck.

DesperateDan

Strong "cultural differences" vibes here, are you Irish OP because you sound a martian that has just landed in Dublin and doesn't know how to behave with women. Honestly you sound like a dangerous person - go to a counsellor and show them this entire thread.

AnonQuery

Thank you all again for your responses

@HazeDoll
I'm not the one saying it is invalid. I am saying it is based on the same amount of knowing of me that my feelings have been based on the knowing of her.
I never said anyone owes me anything. I was responding to the idea being put forward that I should not need a relationship to be whole.

@Hannibal_Smith
I do not think I know better than anyone else or what anyone else's boundaries should be. But would you assume that a no to a meal I make is a no to meal from someone else as well? If someone else can offer them a meal that gets a yes, then why can't I offer a different meal to try get a yes?

@28064212
I did not say I would not change. I am here to try to understand how and what will be different after changing.

@HazeDoll
Why would I ever get angry at my co-worker? I know it is my failure.

@o1s1n
If you said that, then surely I should I never offer a meal to anyone else?

@Purple Mountain
No, I have not discussed this with my friends, I do not like to take up their time with my problems. Besides, they are my friends, they would presumably be biased in some way towards me. That is why I have posted here.

@JoChervil
My knowing is not better. Why is it worse?

@Necro
@3DataModem
Many responses are accusing me of not really being in love with my co-worker, so many of my responses have been in terms of my feelings and point of view.
I have tried to detail every response my co-worker gave me, but as has been pointed out they gave me a no and owe me no further explanation, so I cannot give more insight into why it is a no.

@con___manx1
Have you never approached someone in a club or bar and struck up a conversation with them? How do you get to know someone without actually getting to know someone?
I don't see the point in approaching someone if I don't think there could be something real. I don't want to waste their or my time. Even if something short and casual could work for a while, love is more important to me.

@manonboard
Thank you for going into such detail.
I know my hope of a future with her is a fantasy. But that doesn't mean the love I feel is a fantasy. I know I don't know anything specific about her beyond what I am sure is a very superficial face she puts forward in a professional environment. But that is how every relationship starts. You never start knowing a person or their deal. Usually, yes, as part of getting to know them the love grows. I am lucky enough to know I love her without knowing that, and despite what many think I am aware enough to know that in getting to know her it is possible that I could stop loving her. Maybe she could be a Trump supporting bigot. I don't think so though, I haven't seen any indication of anything like that.
I don't understand why wanting to fix my problems that caused the rejection must mean I don't respect the rejection. And if I am rejected by one person, I should give up on them and try with someone else? But if I don't address the problems that caused me to be rejected in the first place, then how can I try with anyone else? This is not a game for me. I am not looking to just not be lonely, it has to be real otherwise being with someone, even for years, and I will still be lonely.

@xxyyzz
It is not limerence, I have read up on it before and I see why you think that. I may be autistic, it has been suggested before by an ex. I can't really afford an official diagnosis and any online tests I have done (for whatever they are worth) put me borderline.

@AnnieinDundrum
Yes, I am a man and my co-worker is a younger woman. I do realise this makes my actions worse, especially in my co-worker's eyes. I do realise it is easy for me to overlook this difference because, as a man, I would not normally be in a situation where I might feel my physical safety might be in question. And that I also know myself and that I would never be a danger to her.
My previous relationship, of over 7 years, was with someone of a similar age gap. It did not start because of the age gap and it did not end because of it.

@all (who are saying I am creep and pest)
If I am really how you all think of me, how do I deserve help?
If nothing I can change about myself will ever make me good enough for my co-worker, how could any change ever make me good enough for anyone else?
Let's say I do go to counselling and it does make me "better" in a few years. Then what? I meet someone else? Someone else who could be some other creeps co-worker, but for whatever reason doesn't currently find me creepy. Would I deserve to inflict myself on someone else just because they are not aware that I was a creep or they don't find my personality creepy like my co-worker does?

AnonQuery

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123280809#Comment_123280809

We are both Irish.

Iscreamkone

You took your shot. It didn’t work out. Move on. That’s it.

Going back again will not end well for you.

There will be no fairytale ending.

AnonQuery

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123280783#Comment_123280783

I understand how she feels. I don't want her to feel like that.

But either I am worthy enough to not make someone feel like that, either being knowing me or me changing, and so why not her, by knowing me or me changing?

Or I am never worthy.

Purple Mountain

Op, I didn't mean to offend you. I don't know you. I'm not suggesting you are a creep but what you have described is creepy behaviour.

You are not doomed as your latest post seems to read like but you do need to talk to someone objectively in a professional capacity to talk through this behaviour and unravel it's root.

Who knows what the future holds for you or any of us with future, potential love interests. Take it one step at a time.