Not for the easily offended...

Capt'n Midnight

What if the Hokey-Pokey really is what it's all about?

A man encounters a pirate in a bar. They strike up a conversation, and the man asks the pirate how he suffered his various injuries. "Arrgh, I lost me leg fighting over buried treasure in the tropics. I lost me ear in a barroom fight with another pirate -- he bit me ear right off." The other man points to the pirate's arm and asks, "How'd you get the hook for an arm?" The pirate replies, "Arrgh, I lost me arm when a winch tore it off in a terrible storm at sea." "And how did you lose your eye?" The pirate says, "Arrgh, I had a terrible itch in me eye." "You lost your sight because of an itch?" The pirate explains: "Aye, it was me first day with the hook."


A bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I want a gin ........ and tonic." The bartender replies, "what's with the big pause?"

A horse walks into a tavern and strides up to the bar. The bartender says, "Hey, buddy, what's with the long face?"

Two guys walked into a bar. They should have ducked.
Question: Where does a test tube baby live? Answer: In a womb with a view.

Question: What did the termite say when he walked into the tavern? Answer: Is the bar tender here?

Andrew: Dad, do your socks have holes in them? Dad: No, they don't. Andrew: Well then, how do you get your feet in them?

A guy complains to his psychiatrist that he's been having strange dreams. "One night I dream I'm a teepee, the next night I dream I'm a wigwam -- every night, either a teepee or a wigwam. It's really starting to get to me." The psychiatrist responds, "It's clear what your problem is. You're two tense!"

Question: What do you call 100 rabbits jumping backwards in unison? Answer: A receding hare line.

Question: What do you call the small rivers that flow into the Nile River? Answer: Juveniles.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

"Hello, is this the Fire Department?" "Yes." "My house is on fire -- you have to get here right away!" "Okay, how do we get to your house?" "You don't have those big red trucks anymore?"

"Would you like a cup of coffee?" "No, thanks. When I drink coffee, I can't sleep." "Huhh. In my case it's the other way around -- when I sleep, I can't drink coffee."

Passenger: Excuse me, does this bus go to Springfield? Bus driver: No, this bus goes "beep beep."

Son: Dad, I have to go out. Could you do my homework for me? Dad: I'm sorry, son, but it just wouldn't be right. Son: Well, maybe not, but could you give it a try anyway?

A snail got beat up by two turtles. The snail went to the police, who asked, "did you get a good look at the two turtles?" The snail replied, "no, it all happened so fast."

Knock-knock. Who's there? Cows go. Cows go who? No they don't -- they go "moo"!

A farmer was milking his cow when he saw a fly enter the cow's right ear. After a few minutes, a fly popped out of the cow's udder and into the milk pail. Looking closely, the farmer was amazed to discover that it was the same fly that he'd seen go into the cow's ear. The moral? Sometimes things go in one ear and out the udder.

Darth Vader: LUKE SKYWALKER, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GETTING FOR CHRISTMAS. Luke: How do you know? Darth Vader: I FELT YOUR PRESENTS.

A grasshopper goes into a bar. The bartender says, "hey, do you know we have a drink named after you?" The grasshopper replies, "why in the world would you name a drink 'Pete'?"

Question: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Answer: Two -- one to hold the giraffe, the other to put the clocks in the bathtub.

Question: Why couldn't the pony talk? Answer: He was a little horse.

A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables wrapped around his neck and orders a martini. The bartender says, "Okay, but don't start anything."

Question: If Mr. and Mrs. Bigger had a baby, who would be the biggest of the three? Answer:

The baby, because he'd be a little Bigger!

"I was in Mercy, Australia, recently and was served tea made from the hair of a koala bear." "You're kidding! How was it?" "Oh, it was awful. It was filled with koala hair!" "Well, you know, the koala tea of Mercy is not strained."

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi go into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, suspiciously, "is this some kind of joke?"

Question: What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? Answer: I don't know and frankly, I don't care.

One day a guy answers his door and finds a snail at his doorstep. The guy picks up the snail and tosses it into the garden. Two years later, he hears a knock on the door and is surprised to see the same snail. The snail says, "Hey what did you do that for?!"

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After a while, the hotel manager came out and asked them to disperse, explaining, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A guy goes to his doctor, who has bad news for him. "I'm sorry to say that you have a fatal disease." "Oh, that's awful! I want a second opinion!" "OK, you're ugly too!"

A guy gets a call from his doctor, who says, "I have bad news, and worse news. The bad news is that your test results came back and they showed you only have 36 hours to live." The guy responds, "Oh, my God! What could possibly be worse than that!" The doctor replies, "I've been trying to reach you since yesterday."

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender, who made sure that the drink was waiting for the doctor when he arrived, was dismayed one day to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts. The doctor came in, took one sip, and protested that it wasn't his normal drink. The bartender explained that he'd run out of hazelnut and said, "so this is a hickory daiquiri, doc."

Question: If you're American when you come out of the bathroom, what are you when you're in the bathroom? Answer: European! Question: And what are you when you're going into the bathroom? Answer: You're a Russian!

Question: How much dirt is in a hole 6 feet deep, 4 feet wide, and 2 feet across?

Answer: There is no dirt in a hole.

Here's one for the philosophers out there: Rene Descartes is drinking with friends in a bar. At the last call, the bartender asks him if he'd like another drink. Descartes says, "I think not" -- and disappears.

Doctor: What's wrong with your brother? Boy: He thinks he's a chicken. Doctor: Really? How long has he thought this? Boy: About three years. Doctor: Three years! Why didn't you bring him in sooner? Boy: We would have, but we needed the eggs.

Question: How can you get four suits for a dollar? Answer: Buy a deck of cards!

A psychiatrist's secretary walks into his office and says, "There's a guy in the waiting room asking to see you. He claims he's invisible." The psychiatrist responds, "Tell him I can't see him."

A guy calls his doctor and says, "Doc, I broke my arm in two places! What should I do?" The doctor replies, "Well, I certainly wouldn't go back to either of those places."

A guy goes to his doctor complaining of a stomach ache that won't go away. The doctor gives him a thong and tells him to chew it every day for twenty minutes until the thong is completely eaten. A couple of weeks later, the patient shows up at his doctor's office again. "Did you eat the thong?," asks the doctor. The patient replies, "yes, the thong is gone, but the malady lingers on."

A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says, "we don't serve mushrooms here." The mushroom replies, "what's the problem? I'm a fun guy."

A lonely blond goes to the library and checks out a book titled "How to Hug." Only after she gets home does she realize that she got volume 6 of an encyclopedia.

Question: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: That's an interesting question. What do you think?

Question: What do you get when you cross a judge with poison ivy? Answer: Rash decisions.

A dermotologist is someone who makes rash decisions

Question: Why did the dog cross the road twice? Answer: He was trying to fetch a boomerang.

Question: What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? Answer: A-flat minor.

A guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while visiting his hometown for the holidays. After looking over the menu, he tells the waiter, "I'll have the Eggs Benedict." When his order comes, it's served on a large, shiny hubcap. The customer asks, "What's with the hubcap?" The waiter replies, "Oh, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"

Questions: How many Zen masters does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: Two -- one to change it, and one not to change it.

A guy goes into a bookstore and asks the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She replies, "If I told you that, it would defeat the purpose, wouldn't it?"

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Did you hear about the mystic and the hot dog vendor? The mystic said, "make me one with everything."

Question: What did the fish say when he hit the concrete wall? Answer: Dam!

Question: Why do they put bells on cows? Answer: Because their horns don't work.

Capt'n Midnight

A guy complains to his psychiatrist that he's been having strange dreams. "One night I dream I'm a Porsche, the next night I dream I'm a Trans Am -- every night, I'm some kind of sports car. It's really starting to get to me." The psychiatrist responds, "Relax, you're just having an auto-body experience."


A patient says to his doctor, "You've got to help me. I keep dreaming that I'm Donald Duck, then the next night I dream I'm Mickey Mouse. What's going on?" The doctor replies, "That's very interesting -- how long have you been having these disney spells?"

A guy goes to his doctor for a check-up. After conducting a thorough examination, the doctor says, "I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time left." "Oh no, that's terrible! How long have I got?" asks the patient. "Ten," says the doctor. "Ten? Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" the patient asks desparately. The doctor continues, "...nine, eight, seven...."

A guy rushes into his doctor's office and shouts, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responds, "Please settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

Question: How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: One. He holds the bulb while the world revolves around him.

Historical evidence shows that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all of the relevant league records were destroyed long ago in a fire. Thus, we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

Doctor: My word, what happened to you? You look awful. Patient: Well, doctor, you told me to take this medicine for three days, then skip a day -- and all that skipping really wore me out!

Question: What's black and white and green, and black and white? Answer: Two zebras fighting over a pickle.

Question: Why are jack-o'-lanterns usually smiling? Answer: If you had the contents of your head scooped out, you'd have a stupid grin on your face too!

A guy walks into his doctor's office. He has a sausage sticking out of his ear, a waffle stuck under his arm, and bacon lodged in his nose. He asks worriedly, "Doc, what's wrong with me!" The doctor replies, "the problem is clear -- you're not eating properly!"

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? The food is great, but there's no atmosphere.

A patient says to his therapist, "I've had this strange feeling that I'm actually a bridge." The therapists remarks, "That's odd -- what's come over you?" The patient responds, "So far, five cars, two trucks, and a bus."

Question: What's bright orange and sounds like a parrot? Answer: A carrot!

A guy once entered a pun contest. He send in ten different puns, hoping that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Customer: Could I have a Game Boy for my son? Clerk: I'm sorry, we don't do exchanges.

A guy goes into a bar and says, "Give me a drink before the trouble starts." The bartender gives him a drink. After the guy finishes the drink, he says again, "Give me a drink before the trouble starts." This happens a couple of more times, and finally the bartender asks, "When is the trouble going to start?" The guy responds, "The trouble starts as soon as you realize I don't have any money."

Question: Why did the dog lie down in the shade? Answer: He didn't want to be a hot dog. Question: Why did the cat lie down in the shade? Answer: She wanted to be a cool cat.

Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?

Patient: Doc, I think my tonsils need to be taken out. Doctor: Fine, I'll make the reservations -- dinner and a movie OK?

Question: How many Dadaists does it take to change a lightbulb? Answer: To get to the other side.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Why is the alphabet in that order -- is it because of that song?

Jane: Where does your mother come from? Joe: Alaska. Jane: Don't bother, I'll ask her myself.

Two guys were discovered shouting "together! together!" in the woods. When asked what they were doing, one of the guys responded, "we were lost, and we thought we'd have a better chance of being found if we yelled together."

A man calls the hospital, saying frantically, "My wife is in labor -- please send an ambulance!" The nurse tells the man to relax and asks, "Is this her first child?" The man responds, "No! This is her husband!"

A guy wakes up after surgery and notices that the blinds are drawn. When he asks why, his doctor says, "There's a big fire across the street and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation was a failure.

A guy goes to his doctor complaining that his arm hurts. The doctor rolls up the guy's sleeve and is surprised to hear the arm say, "Hi, doctor, could you lend me $20? I'm desperate!" The doctor turns to his patient and says, "I see the problem -- your arm is broke!"

Did you hear about the ship that ran aground with a cargo of red paint and black paint? The whole crew was marooned.

Question: What do you get when you combine a bird, a car, and a dog? Answer: A flying car-pet!

Question: What did the farmer say when he discovered his tractor was missing? Answer: "My tractor is missing! "

Question: What kind of cheese would you use to build a house? Answer: Cottage cheese, of course!

Question: What do you call a chicken crossing the road? Answer: Poultry in motion.

Question: Why can't bicycles stand up on their own? Answer: Because they're two-tired.

Question: What happens when you through a grenade into a kitchen in France? Answer: You get Linoleum Blownapart!

Question: What's brown and sticky? Answer: A stick!

Question: What do you call a short fortune-teller who escapes from prison? Answer: A small medium at large!

Question: What fruit do bugs fear the most? Answer: Squash!

Did you hear the one about the cross-eyed teacher? She couldn't straighten her pupils out!

Did you hear about the guy who jumped of a Paris bridge? He was in Seine.

A dog goes into a Western Union office and dictates the following telegram: "woof woof woof, woof woof woof, woof woof woof." The clerk says, "that's only 9 woofs -- if you want, you can add another woof at no additional charge." The dog looks at him and says, "but then the message would make no sense at all!"

Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor, but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?

Question: Why do heroes wear big shoes? Answer: Because of their amazing feats!

Question: How many ears does Spock have? Answer: Three -- one on the right, one on the left, and the final "front ear."

Did you hear about the two antennae that got married? The ceremony was pretty boring, but the reception was great.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Just as a surgeon was finishing an operation, his patient woke up and demanded to close his own incision. The surgeon shrugged, handed him the needle, and said, "suture self"?

Driving to work, a guy had to slam on his brakes to avoid hitting a box that fell off a truck in front of him. The box broke open, spilling its contents -- a supply of carpet tacks -- all over the road. A police trooper who witnessed the event approached the driver and said, "I'm going to have to write you a ticket." Amazed, the driver asked, "What for?" The trooper replied, "tacks evasion."

"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." (Groucho Marx)

Did you hear about the woman who was dating a tractor salesman? They broke up when she wrote him a John Deere letter.

A young man facing a murder charge decided to bribe a kindly-looking juror to hold out for a manslaughter verdict. After a long trial and and even longer jury deliberation, the jury indeed returned a verdict of manslaughter. Before being led off to prison, the young man had a moment to talk with the juror he'd bribed. "Thank you so much," he said. "How did you do it?" The juror replied, "it wasn't easy. They all wanted to acquit you!"

In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

Question: What happens if you don't pay your exorcist? Answer: You get repossessed.

Question: What do you call two dumb guys with Ph.D.'s? Answer: A paradox.

(Here's one for the computer geeks out there.) Question: What do you call a Local Area Network in Australia? Answer: The LAN down under!

Patient: Doctor, I think I've turned into a pair of curtains. Doctor: Pull yourself together, man!

Question: What did the the snail say while riding on the turtle's back? Answer: WEEEEEEEEEE!

Question: What time is it when Sir Lancelot looks at his belly button? Answer: The middle of the Knight!

Question: What does a pumpkin wear when it tries to quit smoking? Answer: A pumpkin patch!

Question: How do you define "plateau"? Answer: It's a high form of flattery!

Did you hear about the eye doctor who moved to Alaska? He's now an optical Aleutian.

First baker: That's great bread -- can I have the recipe? Second baker: Sorry, but I only share that on a knead to know basis.

If a parsley farmer goes bankrupt, can they garnish his wages?

"Why do they bother saying 'raw' sewage? Do some people cook that stuff?"

"You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the three Rs, only one begins with an R."

Capt'n Midnight

Question: What happened when the frog broke down? Answer: He got toad away!

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. While he's waiting, he hears little voices saying things like, "You really look nice in that suit," and "what an attractive hair cut." He mentions this to the bartender, who says, "Oh, that's just the peanuts -- they're complimentary."

Question: What do you get when you divide the circumference of a apple by its diameter? Answer: Apple pie!

A trucker is driving a group of penguins to the zoo. Suddenly, his truck breaks down and he is forced to pull over to the side of the road. He flags down a farmer driving by in his van and says, "I'll give you $100 to take these penguins to the zoo." The farmer accepts, loads the penguins in the van, and drives off. A few hours later, while the trucker is repairing his truck, he sees the farmer drive by with the penguins still in the back of his van. The trucker shouts out, "Hey, I thought you were going to take those penguins to the zoo!" The farmer replies, "Well, I took them to the zoo, but then I had some money left over, so now I'm taking them to the movies."

Question: What would you get if all the cars in the United States were red? Answer: A red car nation!

Patient: Doctor, I can't get this song out of my head and it's driving me crazy. I keep hearing, "It's Good to Touch the Green Green Grass of Home." Doctor: Hmm...that sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome. Patient: I've never heard of it. Doctor: Well, it's not unusual....

Question: What's ET short for? Answer: Because he's got little legs!

Question: What do Mack the Knife, Winnie the Pooh, and Attila the Hun have in common? Answer: Their middle names.

Did you hear about the guy they found face down in the bathtub covered in Cheerios and milk? The police said it was the work of a cereal killer.

Question: What kind of car do Supreme Court justices drive? Answer: Judicial Fiats!

Two muffins are in the oven. The first muffin says, "Hey, isn't it getting kind of hot in here?" The second muffin replies, "Oh my goodness, it's a talking muffin!"

"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"

"While driving I had an accident with a magician. It wasn't my fault, the guy came out of nowhere."

"Somewhere on the globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped."

"They say that exercise and proper diet are the keys to a longer life. Oh, well."

After a long and happy life, Angus MacDonald died. His widow called the local paper, requesting that a death notice be published. Ever frugal, she asked that the notice simply state, "Angus is dead." The newspaper editor told her that death notices had to be a minimum of six words. "Fine," she replied. "Make it: 'Angus is dead; Volvo for sale.'"

"In my next life I want to come back as a weatherman. That way I can be dead wrong 80 percent of the time and not get fired."

There once was a mendicant holy man who walked barefoot most of the time, which gave him large callouses on his feet. He also ate very sparingly, which made him frail, and his odd diet gave him bad breath. In other words, he was a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis!

"One good reason to maintain only a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim."

A guy took his cross-eyed dog to the vet and asked, "Is there anything you can do for him?" The vet picked the dog up and peered into his eyes. "I'm going to have to put him down," the vet said finally. "Just because he's cross-eyed?" asked the owner. "No, because he's heavy," said the vet.

Two cows are in a field. One turns to the other and says, "I'm worried about getting mad cow disease." The other cows replies, "Don't worry, we're giraffes!"

"I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night."

mad m

holy abraham lincon batman,thats some reading...... ,so where did you cut and paste them from very good....hehe like the pirate joke....

Tiriel

they're brilliant fair play

RuggieBear

wow.....read them all.....don't think i want to ever see a joke again :eek: