Dear neuro...

neuro-praxis

After a painful rejection as a moderator in the Personal Issues forum (so what if I didn't apply to be mod? I wasn't approached and that's REJECTION IN MY BOOK) I felt that it would be wrong of me to deprive the inhabitants of the Cuckoo's Nest of my alarming agony aunt giftings.

Post your problems. I will post solutions. We will all be happier.

With my history of mental ill-health and so on, I am certain I have the power to fix you.

Please note: any real problems will not be entertained. Real problems may be rolled up into a Pringles tube and eased up one's bottom.

Jim

I've got a Pringles Tube stuck up my ass.

Lub?

sanncoo

I can plait my nasal hair!

Zombienosh

a woodland troll ran off with my wife in the middle of the night.......
......
im afraid he might try to give her back :eek:

smoke.me.a.kipper

i have 2 lumps on my head from falling after leaving the boards beer. any ideas what i can do about the pain?

neuro-praxis

Dear Jim,

If you push the pringles tube just as far as it can go, it will eventually dissolve and come out through your nostrils in the form of fromage frais while you sleep. Good luck.

Dear Sancoo,

Some people are fat, some are thin. And some can plait their nasal hair and some can't. I think this may be one problem you simply have to live with.

Alternatively, you can plait bits of the hair from your head and sellotape them into your nostrils for a similar effect.

For emotional support with this problem, ring 999 and insist on having a paramedic come round.

koneko

I want to moderate people IRL but they won't let me. Sometimes I walk over to people mid-conversation and tell them they're crap and say "THIS CONVERSATION IS LOCKED!" but they just keep talking

What should I do to make them respect my authority?

MistressPandora

I concussed a squirrel once. Did it laugh long and hard when I nearly concussed myself off a metal ladder while sneezing one day?

neuro-praxis

Dear AlocholicA,

Your wife left you for a troll because you drink beer smoothies for breakfast and then slap her about the place. The troll deserves her.

Dear SMAK,

Cut the lumps off with a bread knife. That should relieve the pain, as the source of pain will no longer be there.

pickarooney

koneko wrote:

I want to moderate people IRL but they won't let me. Sometimes I walk over to people mid-conversation and tell them they're crap and say "THIS CONVERSATION IS LOCKED!" but they just keep talking

What should I do to make them respect my authority?

Kick them in the neuuts?

SantaHoe

modding = work
work != fun

If you feel you need to 'give something back' so badly, why don't you post "LOL" to every thread in the Humour forum since January 1st 2004... so many crap jokes, I'm sure their posters would appreciate a sympathy lol.
Or if you feel like your e-penis isn't big enough, try the above suggestion to increase your post-count by a few thousand... it'll surely give you the respect you deserve.
Or you can join the truly enlightened and realise that boards is the enemy and that you need to fight the power... you could be their leader.

neuro-praxis

Koneko,

As we have learned in Ireland over the course of "the trubbles", the only way to make people listen to you is to be a VIOLENT FUC|<ER. My suggestion is that you have your hands amputated and have hooks put there instead.You can use these hooks to slash the faces of those engaged in ANARCHISTIC CONVERSATIONS thus shutting them up for ages. Result: all conversations are locked when you approach. Good luck.


Speaking of nuts:

Mistress Pandora,

Coat all nuts in your locality with Jeyes Fluid and Domestos and before long none of the squirrells will be laughing at all: they will in fact, be crying, at the funerals of their dead squirrell husbands.

neuro-praxis

SantaHoe wrote:

modding = work
work != fun

If you feel you need to 'give something back' so badly, why don't you post "LOL" to every thread in the Humour forum since January 1st 2004... so many crap jokes, I'm sure their posters would appreciate a sympathy lol.
Or if you feel like your e-penis isn't big enough, try the above suggestion to increase your post-count by a few thousand... it'll surely give you the respect you deserve.
Or you can join the truly enlightened and realise that boards is the enemy and that you need to fight the power... you could be their leader.

This is not a problem.

Banned from this forum for 13 months.

PH01

Jimeatsmenu wrote:

I've got a Pringles Tube stuck up my ass.

Lub?

Haydude! Don't fret, you're not alone, though most people have packets of crisps stuck up their arses! Your Pringles issue is unique but you will find that once you talk to someone you trust you will learn to live with your problem.
Don't give up - there's light at the end of the tunnel.

MistressPandora

neuro-praxis wrote:

Coat all nuts in your locality with Jeyes Fluid and Domestos and before long none of the squirrells will be laughing at all: they will in fact, be crying, at the funerals of their dead squirrell husbands.

Huh. For some reason, I can see that image so vividly. Little squirrel widows with black veils, holding hankies and babbies.
Man, squirrels are going to use acorn grenades to bomb my grave when I'm dead.
But I'll do it!

koneko

Yeah santahoe I'm inclined to ban you for that tbh.

Thanks neuro! I'll take up that suggestion and will update you from prison.

smoke.me.a.kipper

neuro-praxis wrote:

Dear SMAK,

Cut the lumps off with a bread knife. That should relieve the pain, as the source of pain will no longer be there.

but what about my hair?

pickarooney

Surgeon general's warning: please learn the intricacies of wiping before attempting to become stocious with hook-hands.

amp

neuro-praxis wrote:

After a painful rejection as a moderator in the Personal Issues forum (so what if I didn't apply to be mod? I wasn't approached and that's REJECTION IN MY BOOK) I felt that it would be wrong of me to deprive the inhabitants of the Cuckoo's Nest of my alarming agony aunt giftings.

Post your problems. I will post solutions. We will all be happier.

With my history of mental ill-health and so on, I am certain I have the power to fix you.

Please note: any real problems will not be entertained. Real problems may be rolled up into a Pringles tube and eased up one's bottom.

Hi I'm hopelessly brainwashed by religion. How do I escape this madness?

neuro-praxis

Dear neuro,

I seem to have some sort of personality disorder, but I can't put my finger on it. This would be partially down to the sad fact that I misplaced my fingers several months ago in a tragic thieving accident.

Also, my mother never hugged me as a child and I'm pregnant for the sixth time in two weeks.

Help?

neuro-praxis

Dear Pam,

If you were brainwashed by religion you wouldn't know that you were brainwashed by religion. (Take me for example! I haven't a clue!) Thus your "problem" is a moot point.

Keep making the digs if they make you feel good! In fact here - have my spade!

neuro-praxis

SMAK - it's ok, your hair won't feel a thing!

PH01

Dear Neuro,
I feel guilty about eating just a bag of crisps and a Twix bar for lunch. What wrong with me?

Yours,
Faithfully Regards Sincerely
Dublin,
Ireland,
EU,
Earth.

amp

Dear Neuro,

I am being opressed by women (seen and otherwise). How can I get out of this predictament?

Pam

neuro-praxis wrote:

Please note: any real problems will not be entertained. Real problems may be rolled up into a Pringles tube and eased up one's bottom.

seamus

I have a problem.

Quite often I use my respected position and wealth of knowledge to assert my superiority over others who don't deserve the abuse.

How can I fix it so I don't have to waste my time teaching these lowly maggots, and they automatically know their place?

koneko

pam wrote:

I am being opressed by women (seen and otherwise). How can I get out of this predictament?

SHUT UP YOU! I told you not to speak

Jim

pam wrote:

Dear Neuro,

I am being opressed by women (seen and otherwise). How can I get out of this predictament?

Pam

Stop dressing as one.

neuro-praxis

Dear PH01,

You feel guilty because when you were a child your father associated twix bars and crisps with the worst kind of immorality, akin to murder. Thus, the only way forward is extensive games of Quasar in the Blanchardtown Shopping Centre, while stuffing yoru face to the point of morbidity with chocolate and crisps. And also Haribo jellies, them's nice.

Good luck, my friend.

Dear Pam,

If you can send me the phone numbers of the women oppressing you, I can give them a JOLLY GOOD TALKING TO in the form of my team of brutes. Alternatively, whenever a woman in your vicinty performs an oppressive act or makes an oppressive statement, you can respond by stripping naked, screaming

"I AM ME, I AM FREE!"

and releasing the ebola virus into their whipped, creamy cappuccinos.

Good luck.

sanncoo

neuro-praxis wrote:

Dear Sancoo,

Some people are fat, some are thin. And some can plait their nasal hair and some can't. I think this may be one problem you simply have to live with.

Alternatively, you can plait bits of the hair from your head and sellotape them into your nostrils for a similar effect.

For emotional support with this problem, ring 999 and insist on having a paramedic come round.

Neuro

Thanks! I've seen the light! I will cope with my gift. I have made an appointment to get my nasal hair highlighted next Sat.

How have I survived without your wisdom?

S

neuro-praxis

seamus wrote:

I have a problem.

Quite often I use my respected position and wealth of knowledge to assert my superiority over others who don't deserve the abuse.

How can I fix it so I don't have to waste my time teaching these lowly maggots, and they automatically know their place?

Dear Seamus,

When I read your problem, I felt a deep pain in my heart. Some of us are unfortunate enough to be born with the silver spade of authority in our gobs. What you need to remember is that THEY DO DESERVE THE ABUSE.

Each morning in from of the mirror I want you to chant

EVERY DAY IN EVERY WAY I AM GETTING MORE AND MORE LIKE GEORGE CLOONEY.

THEY DESERVE IT.

Step two, carry a whip. No words required.

Jim

And get yourself a hat.