Adult Children

DonWeNow · 22-12-2004 3:47pm #1

My son is 20, daughter 18. Normally they are away at college but home now for hols. I know I have indulged them terribly over the years, but they are genuinely good kids - just a bit selfish - and I love them to bits.
I find myself nagging, however, to get them to help with housework and keep mess to a minimum - both their father and I work full-time. They are costing us a fortune to keep away and while I dont expect gratitude, it would be nice to get a bit of willing cooperation and not have to cajole and threaten all the time.
I hate unpleasantness, so like to avoid outright confrontation or rowing.
Am I being too easy on them?
Any ideas on how to improve their sense of fair play for all in the household?

De Hipster · 22-12-2004 3:53pm

Live in squaller until the house is worse than a student's grottiest flith-ridden scrote nest, work with us ...myself & brother actually clean the house when we return to visit complaining all the while about the dirty knacker-scum we have for parents!

Beruthiel · 22-12-2004 4:00pm

DonWeNow wrote:

My son is 20, daughter 18. Normally they are away at college but home now for hols. I know I have indulged them terribly over the years, but they are genuinely good kids - just a bit selfish - and I love them to bits

well when my 16 year old gives me 'the eye' when asked to wash a few dishes or what ever, all I say is:
would Princess Aimée like to get up off her butt and help out as I gave the servants the night off

also, once pointed out that the 50 euro skirt she is wearing and which took me x amount of hours to make the money for, means spending 20mins on dishes is good money to making as far as she is concerned...

this normally works, if it doesn't, she gets 'the eye' back.... that one never fails

Beruthiel · 22-12-2004 4:02pm

De Hipster wrote:

Live in squaller until the house is worse than a student's grottiest flith-ridden scrote nest, work with us ...myself & brother actually clean the house when we return to visit complaining all the while about the dirty knacker-scum we have for parents!

LOL
excellent

ps
you could also show them this thread - that might move their lazy asses!

DonWeNow · 22-12-2004 4:06pm

Jesus, judging by my lad's flat, I dont think I could survive the stress living like this would create!
Relieved to know that we're [probably] not in your folks' league

Nevyn · 22-12-2004 4:11pm

Have a f amily conference and do it soon,
other wise you will have this looming over you all xmas.
You are not cinderella and they are grown up enough to clean up after thems selves while at home and do the washing up and stuff esp if you are working. It's not slave labour, things could be worse they could have part time jobs and be working hard over the holidays like many other 3rd level students.
Best to sort it out now then being a ball of resentment as you have to wash up after xmas dinner on your own or having a family row over it xmas day.

Good luck things get sorted out.

DonWeNow · 22-12-2004 4:14pm

Beruthiel wrote:

well when my 16 year old gives me 'the eye' when asked to wash a few dishes or what ever, all I say is:
would Princess Aimée like to get up off her butt and help out as I gave the servants the night off

I wish this could work for me, but the so-and-so's play off one another - "its his turn .. I did such and such today already!" They have me for a fall guy, honest to god!

the_syco · 22-12-2004 4:22pm

I used to goto college in Carlow, and when I came back, I was nagged into doing jobs (yes, I did them). The best way (although it never really worked on me) is seemingly continous nagging.

Also, don't clean their room. At all.

Don't clean their clothes. Let them clean their own clothes. Tell them they should be used to it by now

Victor · 29-12-2004 7:18pm

No food works wonders

RainyDay · 30-12-2004 9:56am

DonWeNow wrote:

They have me for a fall guy, honest to god!

So you know where the problem is, right? No offence, but the problem is you, not them. As long as you keep letting them manipulate you, they are going to keep on doing it.

I'd suggest that you tell them directly & clearly that their laziness is having a big impact on you, and risks ruining your Christmas. Tell them you are delighted to have them home, but you really need them to chip in with the chores in a cooperative manner, so that you can all avoid confrontation.

seamus · 30-12-2004 10:17am

RainyDay wrote:

So you know where the problem is, right? No offence, but the problem is you, not them. As long as you keep letting them manipulate you, they are going to keep on doing it.

Don't know if she's still reading this thread, but that was my gut reaction too. By letting them say "It's not my turn" or "I did it yesterday!", you're giving them a way out. Don't try to be fair. Choose one of them to do the job, and tell them to do it, no compromises. They did it yesterday? You don't care, they should just do it.

I'm quite surprised that they'd be like this. Especially considering they live away from home during college, you'd think they'd have matured a bit and realised what it takes to run a household. The not cleaning their clothes bit is good. It's the main thing that Mammies still do, and by refusing to do it, they'll know you mean business. My housemate has been living with us for two years now, and yet he can still bring a bag full of dirty clothes home to mammy and expect them to be washed. If I did the same, my Mum would laugh at me.

Trying to force them into submission by not cleaning rooms or the house won't work. You will cave long before they do. The house will become filthy, dishes will pile up, and it'll be you that gives in and cleans it first. Don't clean their rooms, and neither will they, and you'll end up having to do it anyway when they leave to go to college.

Try and break it into bite-size chunks. Just ask them to do one thing at a time, don't give them a list of chores. "Just throw that stuff in the dishwasher, will you" - then when you see them almost finished, "Would you just give those couple of pots there a scrub?". It might be a bit silly having to sit on them, but the jobs will get done.

DonWeNow · 04-01-2005 10:00pm

seamus wrote:

Don't try to be fair. Choose one of them to do the job, and tell them to do it, no compromises. They did it yesterday? You don't care, they should just do it.

This reminds of arguments I had with the duo some years ago. They believed that their views should be given equal weight to mine - you can guess the topics. I argued that the home was not a Democracy but more like Benevolent Dictatorship! I still trot this one out when they start to get too Bolshie!

Victor · 06-01-2005 3:52pm

DonWeNow wrote:

They believed that their views should be given equal weight to mine

Of course there should be equal weight - when they pay for it.

Nasty_Girl · 08-01-2005 12:06am

Dont do their cooking and washing and see how quickly they cop on.

the_syco · 08-01-2005 1:38am

"My house, my money, my rules" is the best option. You pay for them to be in college, and they're in your house. Ask do they have a nice social life in college. Then ask would it be still nice if they were short a few bob?

catspring · 08-01-2005 11:39pm

i think that you just have to sit them down and explain to them that you've been at work all day, and you don't want to come home to an untidy house.
ask them if they think it's fair that you should have to do more of the day to day housework than they should just becasue you're the mum. it took me until i went to college to really appreciate just how much my mum does for me and my family.
if, when told to do the dishes, my brothers say "i emptied the dishwasher etc, so it's X's turn" my mum turns around and says "well, i got up today, tidied the kitchen and the sitting room, cleaned up your breakfast dishes, went to work for 8 hours, came home and made dinner....."; this generally works.
best of luck

Adult Children

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