This is killing me

LegacyUser

Where do I start? At the beginning I suppose...

I am a thirtysomething yo male and up until summer of this year I thought my life was all it could be at this stage - solid job, longterm gf who shared my thoughts on no kids, easygoing relationship, plenty of cash for nights out, holiday breaks etc.

About 6 months ago that all changed and I swore I could take this in my stride but at the years end I feel hopelessly adrift and utterly confused. I think, no, I know I've fallen in love with a man.

I knew him from work but hadn't spoken to him in an age due to different shifts we worked. i got on very well with him and really enjoyed his company. Anyway, he was going through some really heavy duty relationship break up hassle and sort of confided in me quite a bit. I'm a good listener (or so I'm told) and gradually we got closer. i guess i became a crutch to him - something which I didn't mind at all as he was fairly good at the old advice himself to me.
Well, everything kicked off one night whne we were out for a drink - me, him and a few friends of mine. He told me he was bisexual and basically asked me for sex. Now, there's no point me being behind the door here as this is the point of this posting, but I've always had feelings - sometimes strong urges - to try sex with another man. I have never done so...up until he basically asked me.
I said no...then five minutes later agreed. We did. I liked it.

To say I was in turmoil is an understatement. The first few weeks after we played around, he was pretty distant - not much or no texts, calls etc whereas before we were in touch daily.
I became ratty and sulky with my gf, my work colleagues, friends.
It seemd I was constantly the one trying to contact him...Finally, he began to contact me again...I needed to answer a mountain of questions in my own head and he was the answer.
I wanted to know how he knew to approach me as he had said that night he *knew* I'd be interested - I can swear on my life that I did not think at all about him that way, not on any conscious level. I never gave any indication I was interested in him sexually, never gave any indication I had thought about being sexually involved with another man - nothing.
He put it down to his radar as it seems he has had as much men as women, and believe me, he's had a lot of women.
This left me in a state of permanent paranoia, to the point where I began to wonder constantly if I "walked funny", "talked funny" etc.. I know it's an insulting thing to say but they are the only words I can use to convey how stupidly paranoid I have become.
Our relationship took up again, not sexually though I can honestly say I yearned for it to be and I think he picked up on this fact. We talked quite a bit but always the subject of his bisexuality and my latent bisexuality was skirted around...it was only ever brought up in jest - the two of us seemed to survive on vicious slaggings, literally all the time. We became buddies (the blokes here will know what I mean)
Sorry for this being longwinded but I have to get it off my chest somehow...
We were in contact daily again and when I sy daily I mean he would ring me at 6 in the morning and talk for hours before going to work, then during the day for more hours and tens of texts a day. For months on end.
My relationship with my gf naturally suffered and we broke up at the start of november, amicably. At that stage I was totally immersed with this man.

I had told him things I had never discussed with another human being before, trusted him totally. But still the subject of us being sexually together never arose only in jest.
At one stage he pointedly told me nothing would happen between us (we were both out on the lash), clear as day and yet would continue flirting with me minutes later and weeks later.

One of his texts recently totally killed me - basically he said he was a womans man now and I was obviously gay and I should go with the flow ad be what i am. While there is a kernel of truth in what he said, I found it to be callous and very hurtful - I love women, I know this but I also have enormnous feelings for him. Probably I am painting him in a bad picture, but thats how I feel. I know he's a good bloke, but the nature of our "friendship" has followed the path of ruthless slaggings followed by deep conversations, the like of which I've never had with another man. This has left me extremely vulnerable to his whims, I'm like a faithful dog following him about hoping for a "pat on the head" ... at this sage I feel worthless and totally alone.

This Christmas has to be the most miserable I've spent - alone, whereas he had invited me to his place, that changed last week. He got caught out in a lie (believe me I wasn't looking to catch him out) Christmas morning when I was doing my rounds of phonecalls...he said he was heading home after visiting his kids that morning but 15mins later my phone rang, his number came up. It sounded like he had dialled my number in his pocket and didn't know...being nosey I listened and heard him go into a houseparty...I even txtd him to let him know he had phoned me by"mistake" but he didn't reply.
Today he phoned me and was gloating he had scored that night...man or woman I don't know as he cut me off after two minutes.

I sound like I'm obsessed and I feel i am. I have no life this past few months, it's all been around him (by the way up until this month he had been the one contacting me continuously, now its reveresed)

I know I care deeply for him...I know he's playing me bigtime but if I just come out and say it to him will that be the right course to take?
Love is probably too strong a word - I am incredibly attracted to him, physically and emotionally.

It's the paranoia that is getting to me - I cannot, repeat cannot help myself thinking about what he's doing, with whom and where...fecks sake I feel like a teenager.

I've tried lessening contact with him and at one stage last week I told him he had fcked up my head sexually - it wasn't strictly true and I suppose was hurtful to hear but I wanted to grab his attention and get him to talk to me seriously about this side of him. And me.

...we both chickened out after a few serious words and went back to our "humour" safety net.

Thanks for reading...
This is killing me...

segadreamcast

"This is killing me..."

Genuinely sorry to hear it. Unrequited feelings are a bitch.

"I know he's playing me bigtime"

I'm going to be blunt - he has. He's an asshole. Lying to you like that was an absolute disgrace - but following it up by his bragging was even worse. Get rid of him from your life - start working different shifts again. He is the primary cause of the apparent misery in your life.

Nevertheless, there appears to be another underlying issue - that of your sexuality. You need to vent your full feelings on this to a trusted friend. One who, incidentally, won't end up in your bed after you share your feelings.

Boston

Well readign the above, he sound like abite of a sexual predator to me. The whole "your obviously gay bit" doesn't ring true to me. No one can comment on someone elses sexuality in that way. I think he trying to convince you your gay for his own reasons, maybe to box you in. You say you have deep cpnversations about thigns with him, I suggest you have one about this.

Zillah

Ok, I'm not involved in the situation so I can't provide an analysis that I could be sure of, but here goes;

A positive way to look at it might be as follows. This man has been living a very 'safe' life so far. He's bisexual, has been sleeping with men and women for some time and I get the impression he hasn't had much real long term relationships. Then you come along. I cannot believe he's just playing you from your description of events. The sex seemed to be very early, and well after that he continued to maintain very in depth contact with you. The whole ringing in the morning thing really makes me believe he likes you alot.

Hypothesis: He's scared ****less. Of his feelings for you, and of what it might mean for his sexuality. This situation is not 'safe'. Let's assume that this is the case. He's terrified, what might his reaction be? He'll lash out against the two things that threaten his security; you and homosexuality. He writes you off as clearly being gay, thereby dismissing you and whatever threatening feelings he might be experiencing.

Your relation has been far too indepth and I suspect the previous responses might not have really been paying attention to your post(no offence). I don't see how him being a predator could account for this.

That's the best I can do with that much detail, perhaps you could post a little bit more, with this in mind.

To conclude, if this is the case, you can't force him to accept what he's feelings, but I doubt having an open talk about it could make things worse.

Good luck.

Stark

Interesting, making you think of him as a "ladies' man" might make him feel safer. Strange how he would ring you, of all people, "accidentally" while on his way to the houseparty. At the very least, that would mean you were at the top of his last dialled list. Again by making himself out to be the "ladies' man", he's putting himself in the sexually dominant position and making you vie for his affections, thus getting your hormones raging at the expense of your head. You've got to decide who's worth more to whom? Do you want to play the faithful dog forever? Make him vie for your affections for once. If he doesn't take the bait then it wasn't meant to be, and you should move on and forget about him. If he feels the way for you, the way you feel for him, he'll give chase. Otherwise, consider yourself free of him and ready for a girl/boy who appreciates you.

Yours,
Aunt Agony.

damien

Sounds like this guy needs to sort his head out He's probably playing you to a degree but also just totally not sure how to handle his life. I've experience with a situation like this. Lead on one day and the following get told "oh stay away from me, I'm not gay, I don't like guys" etc. Total vicious circle.

The best thing you can do is cut ties with him and move on and explore your sexuality without him. He's a danger to you and is totally unhealthy for your head. No matter if he turns into prince charming overnight, he is still dangerous to your mental health. Move on from him but don't try and forget, let this be a learning experience. There's far better guys and girls out there. Go seek.

[Sticks on advice hat]

From reading "miserables" post I would agree with a lot of the replies so far.
However I'd suggest the following as a last tack and I mean last tack as your sanity is king here not anybody elses especially when it's their seemingly unchanging actions that are wrecking your head in the first place.

Have a heart to heart with your friend explaining that this cannot go on ,that you need clarity and without it you are moving on as your head is wrecked enough as it is.
In order for to calm your needs explain that you are leaving the door open one last time.If either of you and especially yourself feel unable to sit down and chat about this , then even though,I'm saying that you leave a door open for a limited time,it's a sign that things are just simply not meant to be*.
Put your feelings and last door open option down on paper if necessary in some way that you can be sure that it will be read.
I suspect from your post, that your friend will act on this one way or the other(as he has used you as a crutch before) but it's important that in this time you make no contact with him whatsoever, it has to be his decision on whether to let you go and the lack of a suffecient answer can and should be taken as such.
Incidently, if thats what happens, what the hell odds to be honest!!

In short you have said here that you are skirting round and not succeeding in talking about your feelings with each other and I'm saying two things to you (1) that , thats a bad sign and probably means you are wasting your time and should move on.(2) that you need closure and explaining how you feel(even in written form) and then leaving the door open for a limited time is the mechanism for either a reconciliation/future with the guy or the closure that you can keep reminding yourself of as you prop yourself up and move on.

*= When I say somethings are not meant to be, I mean in my humble opinion that its a fallacy to even think that a unreturned love situation and the associated pain means you will never find someone. In your case you may have just let it go a little far and you need if your last open door is refused to give yourself a bigger than otherwise necessary kick to get out there and find someone more deserving of your attention and they are there for everybody, thats for sure, don't forget that

LegacyUser

Thank you all who replied and gave their opinion.
It helps a lot to hear differing views etc

He phoned me yesterday and i phoned him back. total 3 and a half hours (and that is quite normal for us two to talk)

I told him how I felt up to but not including the fact that I am totally attracted to him. I did chicken out but honestly enough hints were dropped from me for him to realise I like him a lot physically and enough hints back from him for me to realise he does not fancy me that way.
I will talk this through again with him but face to face, the phone isn't always the best way.

He is honest I believe when I have the balls to directly ask him something and though I know nothing will happen sexually between us (which kills me, but that's life), I feel I want to keep him as a friend.
I have been privy to a lot of his hassles, life etc to let him go as a friend. And vice versa.


And it helps that truly, I get on so well with him.

When I have a chat face to face with him I will get definite answers to my questions - why he basically chasded me down and all the flirting and come ons when he is not sexually attracted to me.
How the feck do I raise that question without sounding desperate?? I can't figure a way around that one. Whatever way I phrase it, I sound fckin desperate !

The thing I have to come to terms with and get straight in my head is do I want to be around him on the offchance something may happen? That is the killer to me...I can only answer it by giving it a bit more time. No way can I live like that and maybe I will need to let him go as a friend.

He said he has types he is attracted to just as I have (lots of examples of women were brougt up, no men..) He goes for the drop dead gorgeous babe, I am very attracted to how a woman carries herself, attitude etc. Chalk and cheese I think. New to me, the men I find attrcative are like, erm, him.

Still no explanation as to why he continously gives me the come on though, I do believe and know he absolutely loves sexual attention. *Wallows* in it. The aftermath of his world being shattered a while back and basically 2 years of feeling, well, like I do right now. Like sh*t.

I could hear in his voice that he knew I wasn't saying all I wanted and he would be right. But I will. I have to for my sanity.
To finish this post, he is just about starting to turn the corner after two years of utter crap, he's starting to go out, meet people as in the Xmas weekend just gone. He was thrilled and amazed to find he got two women vying for him Stephens night thjo he admitted it was just snoggin and dropped hands (teenage kicks no sex . i didn't ask for this info by the way, but the little paranoia bastid on my shoulder is telling me why why why does he need to explain that to me..?
I am delighted for the guy that he's getting his confidence back but in the back of my mind am wondering is that why I feel so strong about him lately, if it's jealousy I may as well give up now cos I hate that as a trait.

Aaaaaghhh. Again, thanks for reading, I will update for anyone that cares.

Cheers

Jpaulik

Seems to me you have yet to learn a life lesson from this. The guy is bad bad news and you are still blind not to see. He's a headfúck and he'll headfúck you again in time when you let him and it appears you will.

If you're happy to be his little doggy who he gives a pat to now and then as well as kicking you when it amuses him then go right ahead. If you sit on a thorn than you must enjoy the pain.

LegacyUser

Seems to me you have yet to learn a life lesson from this. The guy is bad bad news and you are still blind not to see. He's a headfúck and

he'll headfúck you again in time when you let him and it appears you will.

If you're happy to be his little doggy who he gives a pat to now and then as well as kicking you when it amuses him then go right ahead. If

you sit on a thorn than you must enjoy the pain.

====

Jpaulik,
I have been so longwinded up to now it's unbeliveable. To any one reading it's down to the huge conflicting emotions that have wrecked me day

in day out for a long while now.
There is nothing new about my predicament, I know that now and nothing special - considering what is going on elsewhere.
But as is the usual with these things, it feels all consuming...and still does to some extent.

Three days ago I travelled to his town (after I asked and he insisted) to have a few pints and a chat. It ended horribly for me.
He kept bringing up stupid, petty things and was getting annoyed about them, stuff i had told him I was trying to put behind me as much as I

could -. These things I put my hand up to but I am intelligent enough to recognise that they were brought up as a ruse to tell me to fcuk

off.
I had travelled up at some expense and when he started with the petty stuff I said I'd head off home. He inisted I wouldn't have to time and

time again, I had full intentions of going home then I went for a smoke, came back and he had left. No, he had run off.
I went to his house, no one was there.
I went back to the nearest town and had a drink. I rang. I texted. I booked a taxi back and got the driver to go past his house again. Car

was there, I rang the bell and no answer.

At least I know my answer now.

Words cannot describe how let down I feel. I think that is so cowardly. I feel stupid but maybe it will help me stop feeling this way, how I

don't know.

You are right, this man has been using me but I LET HIM. I fcking let him do that to me and that is what hurts. You have to understand I did

not look for this to begin with but I let myself get suckered in deeper and deeper. I did not ask him to contsantly phone me and turn up at

my door. I did not want to hear his lifestory, but was there for him when he needed to vent etc. When my turn came (and not on such a grand

scale) he was no-fcking-where.

Jpaulik especially, your message is so right. That is what I was to him, nothing more than a fool that would take anything he threw at me to

the point that I would be sad and depressesdd on his part.

The feeling of being let down is so encompasing as to be unbearable at the minute - I am long enough about to think this could not happen to

me, with a bloke ffs, how wrong could I be?

This is still killing me but at least I know now where I should go. And that is in the opposite direction to him as fast as I can. I should

issue an APB about the fcker, but the energy would be best put to something else.

PB

hi miserable

What a story - and a not unfamiliar one to me. I'm sorry to hear what happened the last day you met up, but i'm also glad it happened. It's an eye opener and you now know where you stand.

The most important thing is that you NEVER have contact with him again. This might sound like obvious advice, but people like him have a way of weedling their way back in, and that you do not want. No matter what he wants, you should not entertain him. It's like recovering from a drug, you are over the worst.

Be strong and move on. Good luck.