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He calls them "Dad" - Another gay adoption story
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10-01-2005 3:54pmHe calls them 'dad'
Gay men add son to their family unit
By TERRIE MORGAN-BESECKER
http://www.timesleader.com/mld/timesleader/10551468.htm"What I want is for them to be happy, whatever they turn out to be in life."
HAZLETON - They've been in a committed relationship for nine years, but Don Murray and Donnie Strawser always felt there was something missing. The same-sex couple worked hard to develop a strong, loving relationship, they said. But their happiness was tempered by an unfulfilled desire each had: to have someone call them "dad." It took two years, lots of hearings and even more patience, but the men got their wish Dec. 21 when Murray's adoption of Shawn, an 11-year-old foster child for whom he and Strawser were caring, was finalized.
With the adoption, Murray and Strawser join more than 300,000 homosexual men and women nationwide who were identified in the 2000 U.S. Census as raising children, said Sean Cahill of the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force in New York. While it remains a controversial societal debate, gay adoptions have gained approval through courts nationwide, Cahill said. Currently only two states, Florida and Mississippi, ban adoptions by homosexuals, he said.
In Luzerne County, orphans court judge Chester Muroski has approved at least a dozen other adoptions to gay men or women over the past several years, said John Bellino and Michael Shucosky, two attorneys who have been court-appointed to represent children in adoption and custody proceedings. Officially, Murray, 34, said he is listed as Shawn's adoptive parent, with Strawser, 42, considered a "supportive spouse."
The couple, of Grant Street, said they love children and thought about adopting for years. Having once been a foster child, Murray said he chose to work through the foster care system because he wanted to help children from troubled homes overcome their problems. "There are hundreds of thousands of kids in Pennsylvania sitting in group homes and foster homes who desperately need someone to love them. That's what Donnie and I are trying to do with these children, show them caring and love," Murray said.
On a recent afternoon Shawn was engrossed in watching a movie on the portable DVD player he got for Christmas. On the shy side, he wasn't interested in talking with a reporter. The boy has lived with Murray and Strawser three years as a foster child. Now that his adoption is complete, Murray is working on adopting a second foster child, Angel, a 7-year-old deaf boy, for whom they've been caring. The couple also has two other foster children, a 17-year-old female and a 16-year-old male.
The children, all from Philadelphia, were placed with Murray and Strawser through the Institute for Human Resources and Services, a foster care placement agency in Kingston. The men said they underwent background checks and are subject to frequent home inspections. "Any foster parent will tell you, it's not easy. You're expected to hold yourself to a much higher level than the average family," Murray said.
Theirs is not a typical household, they admit, but they do all they can to make it feel that way. "We cook, we clean, we do laundry just like everyone else," Strawser said. "I was up until 2 a.m. Christmas Eve baking cookies," Murray noted. For entertainment, they take the kids to the movies, the mall and one of Strawser's favorite places, amusement parks.
"I'm a big amusement park fan. It's nice to have kids because he won't get on any of the rides," Strawser said with a laugh, referring to Murray. That doesn't mean there have not been challenges. The couple had to take sign language classes to communicate with Angel, who is completely deaf.
"We had sign language books all over the house. Now we have it down pretty good and don't have to grab the books every time we talk to him," Murray said. Angel also initially had behavioral problems, especially at school. "In the beginning I was there three or four times a week. Now it's maybe one time a year," Murray said.
The men, both of whom work at an area home improvement store, get financial help through daily stipends paid for each foster child. Currently, that totals about $100 per day. Murray said that seems like a lot, but each child has special medical and other needs that must be met. Money was never an issue for he and Strawser.
"They could say to me tomorrow we're not paying you any more and I'd say fine," Murray said. As they try to build a home for the children, the couple said they also know some people frown upon the idea of gay people raising families.
"The big fear is that gays will try to make the child gay. That certainly is not the case here," Murray said. "I don't push a kid one way or another. What I want is for them to be happy, whatever they turn out to be in life." The couple say they've never been the type to openly display their affection for one another, preferring to keep that part of their lives private.
"No couple, straight or gay, should ever let kids know what happens behind closed doors. What happens is between us." Today they're focused on building a healthy, happy home for the children and themselves.
"There is nothing we wouldn't do for these kids. If we lost them you might as well take my heart with them," Murray said. And they hope their story will motivate other local gay couples to consider adopting.
"Maybe this will let more gay people know it can be done. There are so many kids out there who need help," Strawser said.0
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