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A tourist arrived in Australia, hired a car and set off for the outback. On his way he saw a bloke having sex with a sheep. Deeply horrified, he pulled up at the nearest pub and ordered a straight Scotch. Just as he was about to throw it back, he saw a bloke with one leg masturbating furiously at the bar.

"For ****'s sake!" the bloke cried, "what the hell's going on here? I've been here one hour and I've seen a bloke shagging a sheep, and now some bloke's ****ing himself off in the bar!" "Fair dinkum, mate," the bartender told him, "you can't expect a man with one leg to catch a sheep"

A guy dies whilst making love to his wife. A few days later the undertaker calls her and says, "Your husband still has a hard-on, what shall I do with it?" The wife replies, "Cut it off and shove it up his **** !" The undertaker does as he is told. On the day of the funeral the wife visits her Husband for the last time and sees a tear rolling down his face, so she whispers in his ear, "It ****ing hurts doesn't it!"

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It is two o'clock in the morning and a husband and his wife are asleep when suddenly the phone rings. The husband picks up the phone and says "Hello?" After some talking on the other end of the line the husband says "How the heck do I know - what am I, the weather man?" and promptly slams the phone down. His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?"

The husband replies, "I don't know, it was some **** who wanted to know If the coast was clear."

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A girl and a boy were at the back of the cinema, kissing passionately. When they come up for air, the boy says, "I really love kissing you, but do you mind not passing me your chewing gum." The girl replies, "It's not chewing gum, I've got bronchitis."

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Q: Why do women have two sets of lips?
A: So they can **** and moan at the same time.

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WHAT IS LOVE?
The delusion that one woman differs from another.

WHY DO MEN FART MORE THAN WOMEN?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

WHY DO WOMEN HAVE TITS?
So men will talk to them

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Two married blokes are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom, I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and says "AND WHAT TIME TO DO YOU CALL THIS?"

His mate looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and say, 'How about a blow job?' and she's always sound asleep.

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A guy out on the golf course takes a high-speed ball right in the crotch.

Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said, "How bad is it doc?

I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancee is still a virgin in every way."

The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it Heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."

So he took Four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries and goes on their honeymoon. That night in the motel room she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts.

This was the first time he saw them. She said, "You're the first, no one has ever touched these breasts."
He whips down his pants and says, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"

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The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?"

"There is," he replied. "Breakfast."

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A brunette goes into a doctor's office:

Brunette: Doctor, I don't know what's wrong with me.

Doctor: Well, tell me your symptoms.

Brunette: Well, everything hurts. When I touch my nose it hurts (touching nose), when I touch my leg it hurts (touching leg), when I touch my arm it hurts (touching arm), it just hurts everywhere!

Doctor: Did you used to be a blonde?

Brunette: Why yes!

Doctor: Your finger's broken

Stephen

LMAO

G'wan

Dathai

Heres a better joke


A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off the at the next stop.

When the bus starts on it's way the driver says to the hippie, "I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you." The hippie says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery and prays to God. "If you went dressed in a robe and glow in the dark paint mask she would think you are God and you could command her to have sex with you."

The hippie decides this is a great idea, so that Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun to show up. At midnight sure enough the nun shows up and begins praying the hippie jumped out from hiding and says. "I AM GOD! I have heard your prayers and I will answer them, BUT ... first you must have sex with me." The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity because she is married to the church. The hippie agrees to this and has his way with the nun.

After the hippie finishes he stands up and rips off the mask and shouts,"Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm the hippie!!"

Then the nun jumps up and shouts, "Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm the bus driver!!"

TheWolf

Why did you bring up a joke from 3 years ago? Would it not have made more sense to stick it in its own thread?

Dathai

Donno?Just wanted to.

hedgetrimmer

"A girl and a boy were at the back of the cinema, kissing passionately. When they come up for air, the boy says, "I really love kissing you, but do you mind not passing me your chewing gum." The girl replies, "It's not chewing gum, I've got bronchitis." "

Eww Eww Eww:dunno:

MrJoeSoap

Egg Shell Ant

Grom

worst worst joke thread in a long while

quank

why a hippie?