funny e-mail

plastic membrane · 07-06-2000 4:14pm #1

I got this send to me, thought it was a bloody good laugh. Mabye you'll like it. mabye you won't, ya can never tell can you ?

Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Well, here's
a
prime example offered by an English professor at an American University.

In-class Assignment for Wednesday "Today we will experiment with a new
form
called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off
with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will
then
write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the
first
paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story.
The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and
forth.
Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the
story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking and anything you
wish
to say must be written on the paper. The story is over when both agree a
conclusion has been reached."
The following was actually turned in by two of my English students:
> Rebecca
> - last name deleted, and Gary - last name deleted.
>

> STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca)
> At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The
> chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now
> reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he
> liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep
> her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought
> about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was
> out
> of the question.
>

> Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now
> in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the
> neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had
> spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he
> sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish
> particle
> beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo
> bay.
> The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across
> the
> ****pit.
>

> He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one
> last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever
> had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless
> hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law
> Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her
> newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her.
> She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth - when the days had
> passed
> unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to
> distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things
> around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she
> pondered wistfully.
>

> Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands
> of
> miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its
> lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the
> Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through congress had left Earth a
> defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to
> destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty
> the
> Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to
> pulverize the entire planet.With no one to stop them, they swiftly
> initiated
> their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere
> unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile
> submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the
> inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and
> 85
> million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference
> table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty!
> Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"
>

> This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My
> writing
> partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.
>

> Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at
> writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have camomile
> tea? Or shall I have some other sort of FCKING TEA??? Oh no I'm such a
> air
> headed bimbo who reads too many Mills & Boon novels."
>

> A*shole.
>

> W*nker.
>

> S1ut.
>

> Get f*cked.
>

> Eat s*it.
>

> F*CK YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!
>

> Go drink some tea - w*ore..