How to loose your job

Monty - the one and only

1. Tell your boss the reason you were late was because you
fancied a shag before work.

2. Stumble back from lunch, two hours late, ****ed as a fart
chanting 'The Venga bus is coming........"

3. Fart out last nights vindaloo during an appraisal and turn
round to sniff the seat.

4. Photocopy your tits/**** and pin them on the noticeboard.

5. Ask the chief executive for some Rizlas.

6. Grow a cannabis plant on your desk.

7. Tell the boss you'll "Send the boys round" - if they don't authorise your pay rise.

8. Admit you traded in your company car for a two week shag-fest in Ibiza.

9. Set up your own S&M dungeon in the stationery cupboard.
10. Bring a sleeping bag to work for those little afternoon naps!
11. Pawn your computer because you're skint till pay day.

12. Ask the boss's wife "Have you noticed that one of your husbands balls hangs lower than the other".

13. Call the boss to your desk, call him "Sonny" and tell him his work isn't up to scratch.

14. Start a one-man/woman Mexican wave every time someone leaves their desk.

HoW To KeEp A HeaLthY LeVel Of iNsAniTy aNd DRiVe OtHeR PeOple iNsAnE

1) At lunchtime, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

2) Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)

3) Insist that your e mail address be:
'xena-goddess-of-fire@companyname.com' or
'Elvis-the-king@companyname.com'

4) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

5) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronised chair dancing.

6) Put your waste bin on your desk and label it 'IN.' (This is a 'must do')

7) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over
their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

9) Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."

10) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."

11) Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area. Insist to others that you like it that
way.

12) Don't use any punctuation

13) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

14) Ask people what sex they are.

15) Specify that your drive through order is "to go."

16) Sing along at the opera.

17) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

1 Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective
if your boss is the opposite gender.)

19) Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what
you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

20) Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.

21) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party 'cause you're not in the mood.

AnD tHe FiNal wAy tO aNnOy PeOple:

Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you.

BossArky

Classics

Lump

HE HE

Bard

good stuff, Monty

saying most of these may help in the quest for unemployment also...

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Bard

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