[humour] Steve Wright (American Stand-up) Quotations

Pretence

Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee
table. They couldn't help me.

I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me,
"If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"

Today I dialled a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and
I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't
think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near
the place.

I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information.
She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said,
"They're behind the couch." And they were!

I saw a sign at a gas station. It said "help wanted". There was another
sign below it that said "self service". So I hired myself. Then I made
myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.

When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the back yard. I was an only
child...eventually.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them
again.

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age ina year.
I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said,
"the whole time."

I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him...
"Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the
funeral in one car.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper
the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy
was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24
hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."

I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once in a
while I flip it on and off, on and off, on and off. One day I got a call
from a woman in France who said "Cut it out!"

I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like
I'm the only one moving.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the
same room and let them fight it out.

What's another word for "thesaurus"?

I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the
radio, I think "Hey, maybe I wrote that."

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now, but leave a
message and I'll call when I'm out."

I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know
the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to
be out that long..."

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can
ask him what he meant.

I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've
forgotten this before.

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood
kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll
throw it at them.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on
them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

My neighbor has a circular driveway. He can't get out.

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I
get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer & farther,trying to
see it clearly).... and says, "Here, you can go."

I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

Shiminay

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All the best,

Dav
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