If walking is so good for you, then why does my mailman look like Jabba the Hut?

Blitzkrieger

G'wan the pigs

A farmer goes to town and buys twenty pigs. When he gets back home he realizes that all the pigs are female. So he calls a farmer friend and ask if he can bring these 20 pigs over to breed them with some of his male pigs.
He says "Sure bring um over. "So he loads them in the back of the truck and hauls them over there. As they are standing there watch the pigs the farmer asks his friend "Now tell me, how will I know if we did any good here?" He says" Get up first thing in the morning and see what the pigs are doing. If they are grazing, which is something pigs never do, they're pregnant." So at the end of the day the Farmer loads them in the back of the truck and takes them back home.
The next morning he gets up and looks out the window and the pigs aren't grazing. So he calls up his friend and ask if he can bring the pigs back over.
He says "Sure bring them over. " So the farmer loads them in the back of his truck and drives them back over there, leaves them there all day, loads them in the back of the truck and brings them back home.
The next morning he gets up and looks out the window and sees that the pigs are just walking around. So he calls up his friend "Can I bring them over one more time and try again?" Sure no problem he says.
So the farmer loads them in the back of the truck, drives them over there, leaves them all day long, loads them back in the truck and drives them back home. The next morning he tells his wife "I can't stand it, would you look out the window and see what the pigs are doing?"
She says,"Well they're not grazing, but 19 are in the back of the truck and one is honking the horn!!

South Park

A mother, father and young son are visiting the circus. The elephants walk out into the circus ring and the little boy says to his mother, "What's that?"
"That's the elephant's tail," she replies.
"No, under the tail," says the youngster.
The mother is clearly embarrassed and says, "Oh, nothing."
The boy turns to his father and repeats the same question. His father looks and says, "That's the elephant's penis, son."
"So, why did mum say it was nothing?" asks the boy.
The father draws himself up to his full height and says, "Son, I've spoiled that woman."
 
Shopping

A woman walks into a supermarket and buys:
1 toothbrush
1 tube of toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving of cereal
1 single serving frozen dinner
1 can of Soup For One
1 16oz can of Miller Lite
The guy at the checkout looks at her and says,
"Single, are you?"
The woman smiles sweetly and replies,
"How did you guess?"
He replies,
"Because you're ugly."


For bonus points - can anyone guess what I did all day in work yesterday