Have I got news for you-the directors cut

Venom

Series 17, Show 7


Recorded 27/5/99 for transmission on 28/5/99
Guests: Sir James Saville OBE, Diane Abbott MP
Prog No: 06/HGT/SW76Q
Running time: 102'46'03 (Edited to 28'54)
Producer: Giles Pilbrow
? Hat Trick 1999

---

Here are some extracts from an unedited Have I Got News For You rushes
tape. (The cut dialogue is isolated by square brackets and printed in
bold.)

---

Out-take 1: 02'45

Following a discussion about the England rugby boss taking cocaine:

MERTON
It wouldn't be so bad if News Of The World, News International, if they
actually paid any tax in this country - they haven't paid any tax since
about 1983. So that would be alright, you could say 'Well, y'know, OK,
they
can have a go at the royals, they can have a go at anybody'. But they,
y'know, they owe us billions of pounds in tax. You could have built
hospitals with that. Or given it to me. (Audience applauds)


DEAYTON
I assume the applause was for the hospitals, not giving it to Paul.
(Audience laughs)


MERTON
[There you go - that's me reading Ian's bits on the autocue. That's
post-modern for you. Hospitals? Yeah, like I give a ****. (Huge audience
laugh)


SAVILLE
The editor of the News Of The World - what's his name?

HISLOP
Phil Hall.

SAVILLE
That's right. Very nice man.

HISLOP
Mmm. I wonder where the billions of pounds in tax went, though? (Does
comedy cocaine sniff; Audience giggles)


DEAYTON
I feel the word 'allegedly' homing into view...

HISLOP
Yes. And I feel the phrase 'Phil Hall is a big fat druggie' homing into
view. (Pause) Sorry, I'm just looking at our lawyer in the front row.
(Waves at lawyer) Hello!

(Audience laughs)

DEAYTON
Have you ever taken drugs, Jimmy?

SAVILLE
Well...

HISLOP
You can tell us. Phil Hall and you are like that.]

SAVILLE
I have a drugs record. (Uncertain pause)


HISLOP
Do you?

SAVILLE
Mm.

HISLOP
And do you play it a lot? (Audience laugh)


SAVILLE
212 marathons and I've never been tested once.

[HISLOP
Good god. You and Phil Hall both.

SAVILLE
Ah, but he never ran the marathon...

HISLOP
Oh right...

MERTON
Yes he did. He used to go dressed as a big fat druggie. (Audience laughs)


HISLOP
Oh yes, I remember now...

MERTON
It made a change from a giant chicken, so he said. The judge gave him
five
years (Pause) I don't know what I'm talking about. I've done 212 of these
shows and I've never been tested once.

HISLOP
(To Saville) So they've never tested you?

SAVILLE
Yeah. ] And I say, what's wrong with me, why can't you test me? And he
said
'Because you come in last, so...'. (Audience laugh)

---

Out-take 2: 04'17

Following a discussion about Sun editor David Yelland's decision to
publish
topless pictures of Sophie Rhys Jones:

SAVILLE
It's well out of order.

HISLOP
Indeed. And it's Mr Murdoch again.

SAVILLE
Yes. How would he like to see his, er, er, secret lover naked in someone
else's paper?

HISLOP
If anyone's got any pictures, do drop them...in...

[MERTON
I've got some.

DEAYTON
Well, you'll have to share them with us next time, Paul...

MERTON
I will. It could be an entirely new game. Spot the rancid, pus-filled
****...up the **** of some old tart. 'Whose Buboes Are They Anyway'?

DEAYTON
Are you calling Mr Yelland's personal hygiene into question?

MERTON
Not at all. I'm just saying he's a ****. (Audience applauds) I'm saying
he's a **** with a rancid pus-filled ****. Which is the title of new
six-part documentary series on Channel 5, apparently.

DEAYTON
We look forward to it.

MERTON
I don't. Stupid depressing old ****er. I hope he dies a painful death.
Seriously. Nothing would give me greater pleasure. No joke. (Smattering
of
audience applause)


DEAYTON
But The Sun have apologised, of course...

---

Out-take 3: 09'36

During the headline round:

DEAYTON
You used to be a wrestler didn't you?

SAVILLE
I still am.

DEAYTON
Are you?

SAVILLE
I'm feared in every girls' school in the country. (Audience laugh)


[DEAYTON Yeah, I've heard about that.

SAVILLE
What have you heard?

DEAYTON
I've...

MERTON
Something about a **** with a rancid, pus-filled ****.

(Huge audience laugh; Awkward pause)

SAVILLE
I advise you to wash your mouth out, my friend...

MERTON
That's what she had to do! (Audience laughs)


HISLOP
Weren't you leaving money in phone boxes or something? (Saville glares at
him) Or have I got completely the wrong end of the...

SAVILLE
(To Deayton, heavily) The question you asked was about wrestling.

DEAYTON
Yes. And then you mentioned girls' schools. I don't know whe...

SAVILLE
Well I understood this was a comedy programme. I realise now how wrong I
was. (Audience laugh)


DEAYTON
So were you a professional wrestler?

SAVILLE
Yes I was.

DEAYTON
(To audience) Glad we got that cleared up. (Pulls face; audience giggles)


HISLOP
Feared by every girls' school in the country...

SAVILLE
That's right.

MERTON
Due to having a rancid, pus-filled ****. (Huge audience laugh)


DEAYTON
Erm...

HISLOP
You're on top form tonight, Paul...

SAVILLE
(Strangely) I'm...this is not what I...

FLOOR MANAGER
(OOV) OK, do you...[inaudible section]...shall we, for pick-ups...

MERTON
I'm terribly sorry. I don't know what came over me.

SAVILLE
A pus-filled ****, I imagine. (Shocked audience laugh)


MERTON
Oh, it's nice to see you joining in. We'd been waiting for you, you sad,
senile old ****ter. (Audience appears to do double-take)


DEAYTON
I think we...d-d-you you want to apologise to our guest, Paul?

MERTON
Sorry, I do apologise. Sir senile old ****ter, is what I meant to say.
(Audience laugh; pause) Sir senile old ****ter...who ****s minors.
(Audience unrest)


HISLOP
Sorry, I'm just looking at our lawyer again. (Waves) Hello! (Audience
laughs)


DEAYTON
Shall we get back on course with this, or sha...

SAVILLE
I do **** miners, that's quite correct. I have always done so. They can
do
the most wonderful things with cigars. The coal...

MERTON
What, they stick them up your senile, pus-filled **** ? (Audience laughs)


FLOOR MANAGER
(OOV): Come on...I'm getting an ear-bashing here. It's...

MERTON
Oh they want to continue. Sorry, I'll contain myself. Carry on...

DEAYTON
Right (Pause) You used to be a professional wrestler didn't you? (Huge
audience laugh)


SAVILLE
(Calmly) I did.]

DEAYTON
You didn't have a nickname or anything?

SAVILLE
Yes - 'Loser'. (Audience laughs)

---

Out-take 4: 21'20

Following a discussion about caravans:

DEAYTON
Last month, Roger Moore sold his luxury caravan in Malta. [Asked by
the...

MERTON
I visited your caravan the other week, Jimmy.

SAVILLE
Did you really?

MERTON
Oh yes. Interesting what you can find, if you have a bit of a poke.
(Audience laugh)


HISLOP
He just told you, it was twelve years ago...

SAVILLE
No, I lived in it for twelve years.

MERTON
And ****ed twelve year olds. (Audience laugh)


DEAYTON
Here we go again...I'll be backstage if anyone wants me.

MERTON
(Indicating Saville) That's what you said to the kids on your show,
wasn't
it? (Audience laugh)


SAVILLE
No, they never did want me.

HISLOP
Not even Sarah Cornley?

SAVILLE
She was an exception.

DEAYTON
Who's Sarah Cornley?

SAVILLE
Sarah Cornley is...

HISLOP
About fifteen grand in damages, wasn't she? (Uncertain audience laugh)


SAVILLE
That's right.

HISLOP
So if I was going to mention that you threatened to break her arm if she
said anything...

SAVILLE
You'd be very wrong. (Pause) I said I'd break both her arms. (Audience
unease)


MERTON
****ing hell. I mean, you're just sitting there, all shell suit and
cigar,
wearing those ****ing...I don't know what they are.

SAVILLE
Chrome-plated SC-700 sun-visors, these are. Sent to me by...

MERTON
We don't give a ****. Ladies and gentlemen, Sir James Saville OBE. Jim
has
fixed it for me to have my arms broken. Meet this depressing old ****ed
up
**** of a ****er on television who's riddled with cancer and ****ing
pubic
lice.

HISLOP
(To lawyer again) Hello! (Audience laughs)


MERTON
Christ, I mean ha ha, big ****ing joke - the ****ing lawyers are
involved,
tee hee. It doesn't change anything.

DEAYTON
(Visibly out of character) Do you wanna stop, or...?

MERTON
No I don't ****ing want to stop. It's all ****! You'll expect a comedy
walkout in a minute, won't you? I mean, big bloody joke - I'm going to
quote Shakespeare in a minute, how ****ing out of character. And Ian
knows
about football - oh my ****ing sides.

SAVILLE
You've never ****ed anyone in your life, boy.

MERTON
Oh **** off...

FLOOR MANAGER
(OOV) ...About five minutes, just to... (Phil Davey enters)


PHIL DAVEY
OK, well top that as they say. You're looking troubled by that, aren't
you
mate? I tell you, I came back from Amsterdam recently...

[RECORDING PLACED ON STAND-BY; CUTS BACK TO CLOSE-UP OF DEAYTON AWAITING
HIS
CUE]

DEAYTON
OK. Second time lucky. (Pause) Last month, Roger Moore sold his luxury
caravan in Malta.] Asked by the New York Times about his relaxed acting
style...

FreaK_BrutheR

Haha...yeah where can u get that one??

mother****ing **** ******* **** whore

just checking if that works. For posts like this a bit of the humour/punch is gone from it with the censor on i feel.

Pretence

Dealdly, that would be one to but if you could get it

Nice 'un Venom

LoLth

holy ****!

definately a must see! Though I get the feeling that Merton doesn't really think Saville is a nice man. Don't know what gave me that idea....

Is it on tape or was that someone writing down what was on a tape that was cut to shreds and the nasty bits scrapped?

Hobbes

I recall hearing rumours of bad blood in the group near the end.

Basically it had turned from comedy quiz to a political stomping ground for the BBC. They were being fed what to say to embarrass the people the BBC wanted.

I don't recall the part, but at one point Hislop was talking about some embarrassing moment that happend to some MP or something and he did it totally robotic and without any humour (kind of like a kid reading but saying each word as it was a sentance). Merton had just about given up at that stage as well and just stopped being funny on purpose.

Draco

Oh...my...god...

Blitzkrieger

**** me! Where can I get that tape!

I remember that show - I thought there was something funny going on but I had no idea