Tommy Cooper jokes

havok*

Not sure whether these have been posted b4,
I though they where classic anyways


> > > > Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round." The
> > > > other one says "so are you, you fat *******"
> > > >

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> > > > Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this
> >taste
> > > funny
> > > > to you?"
> > > >

---

> > > > Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,
> > > > the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other
> >one
> > > > off.
> > > >

---

> > > > A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the
> > > > dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop
> > > assistant
> > > > calls out:
> > > > 'Can I help, sir?'
> > > > 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
> > > >
> >

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> > > > "Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a
> > > > library and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you.
> >But you
> > > do
> > > > the same
> > > > thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
> > > >
> >

---

> > > > "He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser
> > > > legs and put it in a library.'
> > > > I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."
> > > >
> >

---

> > > > "And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people
> > > > were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing
> >that?' he
> > > > said 'Yes, this my
> > > > livelihood.'
> > > >
> >

---

> > > > "So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you
> >give
> > > > me a lift?"
> > > > I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for
> >it.'"
> > > >

---

> > > > "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
> >They
> > > > left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So
> >that
> > > was
> > > > nice."
> > > >
> >

---

> > > > "So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said I want to buy
> > > > an ice-cream'.
> > > > He said Hundreds & thousands?'
> > > > I said 'We'll start with one.'
> > > > He said 'Knickerbocker glory?'
> > > > I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers,
> >yes.'
> > > >
> >

---

> > > > I went to O Meara Camping and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He
> >said
> > > > 'To camp?',
> > > > I said (butchly) 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I also
> >want to
> > > > buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?'
> > > > I said (campily) 'Make your mind up.'
> > > >
> >

---

> > > > So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He
> >said
> > > > "My dog's died.'"
> > > >
> >

---

> > > > "Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I
> > > > was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And
> >the
> > > > dentist said to me 'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'"
> > > >
> >

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> > > > "So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and
> > > > said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"
> > > >
> > > >
> >

---

> > > > "So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local
> > > > swimming baths?'
> > > > He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
> > > >
> > > >
> >

---

> > > > "So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside
> >my
> > > > house.'
> > > > He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
> > > >
> > > >
> >

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> > > > "Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there
> > > > are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either
> >my
> > > mum
> > > > or
> > > > my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother
> >Ho-Cha-Chu.
> > > > ButI think it's Colin."
> > > >
> >

---

> > > > So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang
> >up,and
> > > > he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang
> >up a
> > > > second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved
> >again.
> > > He
> > > > rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'And I
> >went into
> > > a
> > > > tree.
> > > > And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?'
> > > > And I said 'I careered off the road.'

TonY Stark$

Tommy Cooper sounds like one a dem red coats you find at butlins or whatever with the twirling bow tie. He sux.

SantaHoe

Originally posted by TonY Stark$:
He sux.

K, we'll put you on stage in a suit and red lamp-shade hat and see how funny you are shall we?
Muppet.

Shiminay

Tommy Cooper was a comic genius!

Jus like that!

I want a Fez...

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All the best,

Dav
@B^)
My page of stuff

LoLth

Cooper was classic. Not many of his jokes were dirty, but nearly all were funny.

also the fact that all of those above would be told in about 2 minutes...

Zapper

I'd say Tommy Coppoer is 1 of the funniest brittish comediens ever.

Any1 hear heard of a Scottish guy called Chic Murray?....he was around the same time as cooper and is IMO just as funny...real sarcastic humour..great stuff

So..i was walking down the street the other day..and i tripped and fell on my backside...and a woman came up and said.."did you fall"..i said "no..i've got a bar of chocolate in my back pocket and i'm trying to break it into peices"

TonY Stark$

ok well he may have been good but goin on them,jaysus,they suck. like somethin your funkin grandad would be laughin at.

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=PF=TonY Stark$

TonY Stark$

THE best comidan Chri$ rock. nuff said.

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=PF=TonY Stark$

TwoShedsJackson

Originally posted by havok*:


> > > > Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round." The
> > > > other one says "so are you, you fat *******"
> > > >

rofl