A Tasty Mouthfull.

Carnage

"Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting
Texas from the East Coast:

"Recently I was honored to be selected as a celebrity in Texas, that is, to be a judge at a chili cook-off at the State Fair.
As it was, I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the original "Judge #3" called in sick at the last moment. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans, by the way) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have all the free beer I wanted during the tasting,
so naturally I accepted."


Here are the scorecards / judge's notes from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my
face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now; barmaid pounded me on the back. My backbone is now in the front part of my chest. Also getting ****-faced.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300lb. ***** is starting to look HOT. What is this nuclear-waste I'm eating?

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Good use of shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The
contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really ****es me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. **** those rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
except that slut Sally. I really need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!


Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a ****ing grenade in my mouth, pull the ****ing pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the
sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid uncontrollably out of my goddamned mouth. My pants are full of lava-like **** to match my ****in' shirt. At least during the
autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. **** it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my ****ing stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge
Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.
FRANK: Uuggh.... ****...."

Paladin

Hilarious.
I dont know why

Lord Khan

heheh Damn Good DAMN ****ing good

DaBounca

hee hee.
poor frank

UNIFLU

Nice one, that has to be one of the best laughs ive had in a while.

Soren

LOL...funny stuff indeed

SHADOW

****ing funniest thing I've read in about 2 years!
Laffed my @rse of at it...
plyd to who ever wrote that!

N

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If the bottom falls out of your world, drink Andrews and the world will fall out of your bottom!!
nethousegames

[This message has been edited by SHADOW (edited 04-10-2000).]

Baz_

(MENTAL NOTE: must get to texas sometime)
Well what can I say that was damn funny I wonder if sally gave him a sponge bath when he was in the hospital
hehe