WOMEN SPEAK IN ESTROGEN AND MEN LISTEN IN TESTOSTERONE

Hobbes

WOMEN SPEAK IN ESTROGEN AND MEN LISTEN IN TESTOSTERONE
by Matt Groening (The Simpsons' originator)

RELATIONSHIPS:
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her
girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she
will get on with her life.
A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up,
at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to
let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you,
and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a
chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You I Love You" drunken phone
call, and 99% of all men have made it at least once. There are community
colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need.

SEX:
Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay.
Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to his place
or hers as part of the foreplay.

MATURITY:
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as
adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving
each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely
work out.

MAGAZINES:
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines
often feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a
beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not
be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.

BATHROOMS:
A man has six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a
bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of
items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to
identify most of these items.

GROCERIES:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and
buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are
half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything
that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is
packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course,
this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

CATS:
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men
kick cats.

OFFSPRING:
Children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist
appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite
foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some
short people living in the house.

DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage,
answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for:
weddings, funerals.

LAUNDRY:
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of
clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight
years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes,
he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his
mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful
women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old
American sitcoms.

EATING OUT:
When the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills,
even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller,
and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their
check, out come the pocket calculators.

MIRRORS:
Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror. Women are
ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface:
mirrors, spoons, store windows, Joe Garagiola's head.

MENOPAUSE:
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated
emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of
these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a
uniform reaction-he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather
driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.

RICHARD GERE:
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.
Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at
the health club and dates only married women.

MADONNA:
Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.

TOYS:
Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or
12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As
they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and
impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's. Car phones.
Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that
serve ****tails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and
requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.

LOCKER ROOMS:
In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women.
They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they
think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.
Women talk about one thing in the locker: sex. And not in abstract terms,
either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.

MOVIES:
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is
because a man has produced every movie in the history of movies. Men will
only show their asses, because ass size doesn't really matter.

JEWELRY:
Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one
ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer
named Ramone.

TIME:
When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she's
using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game just has
five minutes left. Neither of them is counting timeouts, commercials, or
replays.

FRIENDS:
Women on a girl's night out talk the whole time. Men on a boy's night out
say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass the Doritos" or
"Got any more beer?"

RESTROOMS:
Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as
social lounges. Men in a restrooms will never speak a word to each other.
Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old
friends. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself
from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a
leak. Do you want to join me?"