classic

stu_69

OK this one is a goodie, the story behind this is... There's this nutball
who digs things
out of his back yard and sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian Institute,
labeling
them with scientific names, insisting that they are actual archeological
finds. The really
weird thing about these letters is that this guy really exists and does
this in his spare
time! Anyway... here's a letter from the Smithsonian Institute to this man
who sent the
Institute one of his 'major finds'.

From:
Paleoanthropology Division
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078

Dear Sir:

Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D, layer
seven, next to the
clothesline post. Hominid skull." We have given this specimen a careful
and detailed examination,
and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents
"conclusive proof of
the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago." Rather,
it appears that
what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of
our staff, who has small
children, believes to be the "Malibu Barbie". It is evident that you have
given a great deal of
thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that
those of us who are
familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction
with your findings.
However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the
specimen which might
have tipped you off to its modern origin:

1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically
fossilized bone.

2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters,
well below the
threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.

3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent with
the common domesticated
dog than it is with the "ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate
roamed the wetlands
during that time.

This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you
have submitted in your
history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily
against it. Without
going into too much detail, let us say that:

A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed
on.

B. Clams don't have teeth.

It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request
to have the specimen
carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear
in its normal operation,
and partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent
geologic record.

To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956
AD, and carbon
dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results.

Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science
Foundation's
Phylogenic Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific
name
"Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking personally, I, for one, fought
tenaciously for the
acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because
the species
name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might
be Latin.

However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen
to the museum.
While it is undoubtedly not a Hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another
riveting example of the
great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should
know that our
Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display
of the specimens you have
previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates
daily on what you will
happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back
yard. We eagerly
anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last
letter, and several of us
are pressing the Director to pay for it.

We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding
the
"trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix"
that makes the excellent juvenile
Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance
of a rusty
9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.

Yours in Science,

Harvey Rowe
Curator, Antiquitie

FreaK_BrutheR

I've been lookin for this for ages. Cheers.

Top notch reply.

Good work fella.