Screw Monarch's

Carnage

Official US Response to Independence Revocation Notice.
From The State Department, United States of America

To the Governing Bodies of the United Kingdom:

Your notice came as quite a shock to the vast majority of us who did not realize that the United Kingdom was still in existence. The complete lack of any usable culture, products, services, entertainment, or medical advancement coming from Britain was at fault, and we apologize. After a tiresome day spent tracking our enormous wealth and power, it was a bizarre notice indeed.

Your "suggestion" has been considered and, I am very sorry to say, rejected. As a concession, however, it was universally agreed that you may have Utah. Our reasoning is outlined below.

1) While we have been unable to decide who will lead our country for 1 week, it seems that the UK has been in that state for many years. It was unclear to us why we would need two leaders permanently in the forms of the Prime Minister and the Queen. Also, we had a problem with Tony Blair personally, as he is so overtly gay.

2) A bit of research indicated that you are having difficulty keeping your fuel prices below £17 per ounce and your taxes below 95% (What is this "VAT" anyway?), while still maintaining an expensive monarchy. This type of fiscal prudence would not mix well with our aforementioned enormous wealth and power.

3) Reverting to the English style of speaking would simply be too inefficient. In fact, we are considering teaching an entirely new language to our youth comprised entirely of grunts and hand gestures. Communication is quicker, more efficient, and allows us to continue to lead the planet in accumulating power and wealth. Plus, we don't sound like pompous asses.

4) We accept provision 7, the bombing of Quebec and France, as long as you'll sweep up.

5) Hollywood actually attempted to cast British actors in heroic roles in the late 80's, but gave up when they could find none that were more masculine then Liberace.

6) In reviewing your form of football it became clear that soccer is not a sport, but rather a simple form of cardiovascular exercise. Additionally, when the "games" are completed, the tradition of trying to kill as many opposing fans as possible was deemed unacceptable. On the rare occasion that one of the 300 league teams involved actually scores a goal, the closing of banks and government offices in order to allow more time to discuss the goal was also considered somewhat inefficient. American football will continue to played with vigour. The reason for the padding, by the way, is the ability of our athletes to run fast, jump high, and hit hard. You don't need padding for a girly slap fight.

In closing, may we just say we were flattered by your overtures, but simply do not see a merger being possible at this time.
Perhaps with a little hard work, you can pull yourselves up by your bootstraps, and someday be considered to be in the same
league as, say, Micronesia.

Have a GREAT DAY!