Irish Setter....(this is bad, u have been warned !)

Yo Mamma

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of
having lunch.

The dog thinks, "Boyo, I'm in deep doo doo now." (He was an Irish setter).... Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man,that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the tees. "Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see
what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks," What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them
yet. And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey. I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!!"

UNIFLU

that was pretty bad allright!!! but have heard a lot worse...
know this one was posted before but still love it

WHY MEN CAN'T GET OUT OF BED ....
BRAIN SYSTEM: Attention. Alert registered.
CENTRAL: Alert? Number One, report!
NUMBER ONE: Sir! We're picking up loud music.
CENTRAL: Music? We were just asleep!
NUMBER ONE: Yes sir. Ears report it's "The Last Train to Clarksville."
CENTRAL: Goodness, are we being tortured?
NUMBER ONE: Sir, Eyes are functional and request instruction.
CENTRAL: Tell them to open up and try to find out what is going on.
NUMBER ONE: Scope! Okay, I see darkness... darkness... Wait, there's a
woman sleeping there.
CENTRAL: A woman?
NUMBER ONE: Sir, Libido Station wants to know if it is Anna Kournikova.
CENTRAL: Forget about Libido. What can you tell me?
NUMBER ONE: Sir, Memory reports a near perfect match to "wife," sir.
CENTRAL: Well of course. Keep looking.
NUMBER ONE: Sir, urgent report from Stomach on the horn, do you want to
take
it?
CENTRAL: Stomach, what's going on?
STOMACH: Sir, we've taken a hit, it...it looks bad, sir.
CENTRAL: Get hold of yourself, man!
STOMACH: Yessir. It looks like a burrito, sir. It exploded at about
1900
hours and we've been out of action ever since. I don't...I don't know
if
she can take much more, Captain.
CENTRAL: Stomach! Now you listen to me, son. We're all counting on you
up
here. Don't give up now. Remember the chilli of '94? We made it
through
that, we can make it through anything.
STOMACH: Yessir. You can count on me, sir.
CENTRAL: Good man.
NUMBER ONE: Sir, I've got a visual on the clock!
CENTRAL: Tell me, Number One.
NUMBER ONE: Oh my God, sir. It's horrible.
CENTRAL: Dammit sailor, get a grip on yourself!
NUMBER ONE: It's... It's six thirty, sir. In the morning.
CENTRAL: In the morning? Not again. I thought...I thought that we'd
had
the worst of it yesterday.
SYSTEM: Sixty seconds to consciousness.
CENTRAL: This is madness. Do you know what's going to happen if we go
conscious now, this early?
NUMBER ONE: Work, sir?
CENTRAL: That's right, Number One. It'll be work, all right. I
don't...don't know if I can live through that hell again.
SYSTEM: Fifty seconds to consciousness.
NUMBER ONE: Sir? Do you have orders?
CENTRAL: Hmmm?
NUMBER ONE: Orders, sir. Do you have orders for us?
CENTRAL: Orders? Orders, Number One? Damn right there are orders!
Let's
get ourselves moving.
NUMBER ONE: Aye aye, sir!
SYSTEM: Forty seconds to consciousness.
CENTRAL: Shut that damn thing off, I'm trying to think. Get our remote
stations on line. I want a Search and Acquire on anything that feels
like
a
snooze button. Tell them to MOVE. Bladder!
BLADDER: Yes sir?
CENTRAL: How are you holding?
BLADDER: All systems are flush and ready, sir. We can go another three
hours, easy.
CENTRAL: Very well, Bladder. Number One, get me Nose on the horn.
NOSE: Sir, Nose reporting, sir!
CENTRAL: Good to hear from you, Nose. How are you doing up there?
NOSE: We registered cat breath about twenty minutes ago, but it was
pretty
faint and I didn't think...
CENTRAL: Steady on, nose. You were right not to trigger an alert.
NOSE: Thank you, sir.
CENTRAL: Nose, I'm afraid I have bad news for you, son. We took a
burrito
last night.
NOSE: Oh no, sir, not again!
CENTRAL: I said steady! You're going to have to hold on, you hear me?
Hold
on,and it will pass. I don't want ANYTHING getting through to
Consciousness.
NOSE: Yes sir. I'll try, sir.
CENTRAL: That's the spirit. Stomach!
STOMACH: Sir?
CENTRAL: How are you doing down there?
STOMACH: We've been breached, Captain. The whole alimentary is in
flames.
I'm trying to keep it contained, but I can't promise anything.
CENTRAL: Damn!
NUMBER ONE: Sir, Libido Station reports it is ready for battle!
CENTRAL: Tell Libido to calm down, I'll call him when I need him. Any
report from our search party?
NUMBER ONE: Sir, Fingers report they located and toppled a glass of
water,
a
pair of glasses, and a box of Kleenex. No luck on the snooze, sir.
CENTRAL: Number One, I don't mind telling you, if we don't get this
under
control we're going to lose her.
NUMBER ONE: Yes sir. Sir, Libido requests positive verification that
the
woman sleeping next to us is not Anna Kournikova.
CENTRAL: For crying out loud.
NUMBER ONE: Sir, Ears reports the song is over. It's going to
commercial,
sir.
CENTRAL: How much time on the system clock?
NUMBER ONE: Ten seconds to consciousness, sir. We've lost smile control
in
the lower facial and we're developing a frown.
CENTRAL: Brace yourself, Number One. I'm afraid we've had it.
NUMBER ONE: Sir! Fingers has located target. Repeat, Fingers is on
target!
CENTRAL: Fire!
NUMBER ONE: Hit! Sir, direct hit!
CENTRAL: Ears!
NUMBER ONE: It's gone, Captain! Ears reports the music is gone!
CENTRAL: We've done it!
SYSTEM: Consciousness cancelled.
NUMBER ONE: Sir, all systems are ready for sleep mode. Repeat, sleep
mode
now ready.
CENTRAL: Trigger sleep mode NOW.
NUMBER ONE: Sleep mode triggered, aye aye, sir.
CENTRAL: Shut Eyes.
NUMBER ONE: Eyes off, sir. Frown relaxed, smile restored.
CENTRAL: By golly, that was a close one.
NUMBER ONE: Yessir. Sir, Dream Team requests selection. Libido asking
for
something naked, sir.
CENTRAL: Request denied. Let's roll the one where we show up for church
wearing only our underwear, I like that one.
NUMBER ONE: Roger that, sir. Dream selection completed and tape is
rolling,
sir.
CENTRAL: Good work, Number One. You take the helm.

Shiminay

The dog one was funny. The men waking up one was here not too long ago and the Concorde one is just bad man!

---

All the best,

Dav
@B^)

<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Prepare yourself - The Beefy King stirs from his slumber...</font>

[honey i] violated [the kids]

Lucifer

that is ****!!!!

Magwitch

What did the Concorde pilot say when his wife asked where he would be sleeping when he was away?

"I'll just crash in a hotel."

DrunkLeprachaun

You said it was bad, but THIS!?!

You've wasted a minute of my life, and I want it back.

Da Bounca

i like the monkey one

smoke.me.a.kipper

i'll give those a respectible 4 's out of 5 on the emoticon scale.

and here thay are....

---

-ciaran
ciaran@ieatcatsforfun.com
smoke-me-a-kipper@ihateclowns.com

This post has been brought to you by the letter C, and the number 7.

Neil3030

wot? u like monkeys????

oeNeo

the irishsetter joke was good but i didnt even read the other one coz its to damn long

DeadBankClerk

here is the officail

dbc emoticon scale...

eek scale:
3/5

[edit]
"We cannot process your posting, because you have exceeded the maximum number of images allowed per post. The current maximum is 8."
[/edit]

---

- Dead Bank Clerk -
[clergy]Altar Boy
"Build a man a fire, and he'll
be warm for a day. Set a man on
fire, and he'll be warm for the
rest of his life."

[This message has been edited by DeadBankClerk (edited 04-04-2001).]

Zaphod Beeblebrox

**** except the one about waking up, and ROFL at Dead Bank Clerk's sig

Flink

Two fish in a tank. One says to the other "Do you know who's driving this".

Zaphod Beeblebrox

<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by Flink:
Two fish in a tank. One says to the other "Do you know who's driving this".</font>

Kill that man