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Few GOOD jokes
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12-04-2001 8:51pm#1Hey most of these are good, hope ya like...
Man goes into a bank and up to the cashier's desk.
"Nice tits love, I want to open a ****ING checking account," the man snarls.
"I beg your pardon, sir?", the startled female teller replies.
"Listen, you dumb *****, I said I want to open a ****ING checking account."
"I'm sorry, sir, but I can't help you if you're going to talk like that."
She leaves the window, walks over to the bank manager and whispers in his ear.
The two return and the manager asks, stiffly, "What seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no GODDAMN problem!" the man insists. "I just won ten million dollars in the lottery, and I want to open a ****ING checking account!"
"I see sir," the manager quickly replies, "and this ****'s giving you a hard time, is she?"
A New Yorker decides to have a party and invites lots of people, telling them to bring their friends. On the invitation he puts "themed party -come as a human emotion."
On the night of the party the first guest arrives and he opens the door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest. He says to this guy "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" and the guy says, "I'm green with envy." The host replies, "Brilliant, come on in and have a drink."
A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a woman covered in a pink bodystocking with a feather boa wrapped round her most intimate parts. He says to this woman, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" And she replies, "I'm tickled pink." The host says, "I love it, come on in and join the party."
A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time and the host opens the door to see two Pakistani guys, stark naked, one with his penis stuck in a bowl of custard and the other with his penis stuck in a pear. The host is really shocked and says "Christ, guys, what the hell do you think you look like? You could get arrested for standing like that out here in the street. What emotion is this supposed to be?"
The first guy replies, "Well, I'm ****ing disgusted and my friend has come in despair."
The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were "protecting." Feeling the heat from the police force, they decide to use a deaf person for this job. If he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.
Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $40,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The Mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector.
The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the Mafia drags the guy to an interpreter.
The Mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is."
The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?"
The deaf man replies, "I don't know what you're talking about."
The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The hood pulls out a .38 and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "Now ask him where the money is!"
The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"
The deaf man replies, "The $40,000 is in a tree stump in Central Park."
The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the balls to pull the trigger."
The Lone Ranger and Tonto had been riding down the trail all day. When they had stopped to take a rest Tonto placed his ear to the ground and listened.
"Buffalo come," remarked Tonto.
"How can you tell, Tonto?" asked the Lone Ranger.
"Face sticky."
Jones is checking out of a hotel when suddenly he has to take a **** real bad.
The toilet in his room isn't working, so he bolts down to use the lobby Men's Room, but all of the stalls are occupied, so he runs back up to his room, and in desperation, he drops his pants, uproots a plant, and takes a **** in the pot. Then he puts the plant back in the pot and leaves.
Two weeks later, he gets a postcard from the hotel that says, "Dear Mr. Jones, All is forgiven. Just tell us...where is it?"
The Queen and Princess Di were driving down the road in their Range Rover when they were stopped and accosted by a modern day highway man.
"Hand over all your cash", he demanded of the Queen.
"My dear man" replied the Queen, "I am the Queen of all England, and therefore do not need to carry any money."
"OK, OK" he said, turning to Princess Di. "In that case you can hand over all of your jewels".
"I have no need for Jewels" she boasted, "for I am the most beautiful woman in England".
By this time the highway man was getting a bit ****ed off. "Right then" he said. "Get out of the car and I'll take that instead".
And shortly he was driving off into the sunset. Left sitting on the grass verge, Princess Di turned to the Queen and asked, "Where on earth did you hide all that money you were carrying?"
"I stuffed it up my snatch laughed the Queen. "But what about you. Where did you manage to stash all your jewels."
"I stuffed them up my snatch as well", tittered Di.
"It's a shame Fergie wasn't with us" mused the Queen. "We might have been able to save the Range Rover".
[This message has been edited by Gideon2000 (edited 12-04-2001).]0
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