Handy tips (long post)

Evil Phil

).If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't
panic.Simply pour a jug of
boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The
blockage is almost instantly removed.

Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette
from each new pack
up a fat friend's **** , filter first, then replacing
it in the box.
The possibility of putting that one in
your mouth will put you
off smoking any of them.

Manchester United fans. Save money on
expensive new kits by simply strapping
a large fake penis to your forehead.
It is now clear to all as to your allegiance.

Make your girlfriend cry when you're having sex by phoning
her up and telling her.

Dyslexics. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way
at least you have a chance of spelling them correctly.

Avoid cutting yourself while clumsilyslicing vegetables by
getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a
stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass
to the
side of the road every time you have a minor accident.

Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and
nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at
the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying
the f**king thing in the first place, you fat *******s.

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The
following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by
drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging
your head repeatedly on the wall.

Make bathtimes as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the
seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog
turd into the bath.

Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all
their lights on when their guide dog isn't looking.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in
your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding
two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before
jumping in.

Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get
****ed, lie in a pit in your garden and shag every bloke who
looks at you over the fence.

Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary
one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you
put it on.

X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens
by drinking two bottles of vodka.You'll invariably wake up in a
strange
place the following morning, having had your memory
mysteriously 'erased'.

Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any
cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.

Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by
simply changing your name to match your existing plate, 3
Mr. KVL 741Y,

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer
to the object you wish to view.

Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus
arriving fully refreshed and on time.

Pass yourself off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your
fingernails and talking gibberish all the time, stopping
occasionally to sing loudly, or set fire to someone else's house.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the
fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

Save time when crossing a one-way street by
only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic.

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

Anorexics. When your knees become fatter
than your legs, start eating cakes again.

A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes
an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.

Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and
the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure
you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.

Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing
a small bucket of air over any that you catch in the act.

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with
angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that
you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower. - B.
Johnson,Canada

Sweetcorn fans. Save money on loo paper by
simply pouring
the stuff straight down the pan.

Pretend you're a giant panda by giving
yourself two black
eyes, eating only bamboo shoots and
refusing to have sex with the missus.

Manchester United fans. Avoid an
asymetrical bulge in your
right arm by masturbating furiously with your left arm too.

Avoid arguments with the missus about
lifting the loo seat by simply ****ing in the sink.

Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like
Arnold Schwarzeneggar by buying one of those
Cindy Crawford workout videos.

Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by
simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve
them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always
going on about how
tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like
the real thing', they won't know any difference.

invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point
out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary
requirements,tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of
'rodeo sex'. Take your
missus from behind and, holding on tightly
to her jugs, call her by the wrong name. See how long
you can 'stay mounted' or.

Old telephone books make ideal personal address
books. Simply cross out
the names and addresses of people you don't know.

Fool other drivers into thinking you have an
expensive car phone
by holding an old TV or video remote control up to
your ear and occasionally
swerving across the road and mounting the curb.

Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and
rancid tuna. I found that the
subsequent food poisoning enabled me to lose 12
pounds in only 2 days.

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your
windshield wipers turned
to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked
illegally.

No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking
tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

Apply red nail polish to your nails before
clipping them. The red nails
will be much easier to spot on your bathroom
carpet. (Unless you
have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish
should be selected).

Ronan|Raven

<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by Evil Phil:



Manchester United fans. Save money on
expensive new kits by simply strapping
a large fake penis to your forehead.
It is now clear to all as to your allegiance.



</font>

Amen!

Trojan

<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Manchester United fans. Avoid an
asymetrical bulge in your
right arm by masturbating furiously with your left arm too.</font>

Hehe, they're really getting it today

strat

ohh Evil Phil u are a complete twat
thats the EXACT SAME as my post a few days ago

http://www.boards.ie/bulletin/Forum16/HTML/000886.html

u complete ejit

Evil Phil

<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by StrataGIST:
ohh Evil Phil u are a complete twat
thats the EXACT SAME as my post a few days ago

http://www.boards.ie/bulletin/Forum16/HTML/000886.html

u complete ejit </font>

Well exuuuuuuuuse me for stepping on you toes, but your posts are usually so sh*t that I didn't bother to read them.

Shiminay

Shut it!
Behave both of you. Read the rules!

---

All the best!
Dav
@B^)
So I turned around to Jack Charlton and said: "Well of course it's not a football Jack, it's an '86 Chardonay!!!"
[honey i] violated [the kids]
Tribes 2 Goodness
The Dawn of the Beefy King approaches...

Evil Phil

Apologies Kharn, I forgot myself. They were not words of anger, more extracting the micheal.