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sex joke (over 16's only) ;)

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  • 22-05-2001 10:15pm
    #1
    azezil
    Registered Users Posts: 11,397 ✭✭✭✭


    Sex is the most practical and funniest way of losing weight!

    Look how many calories you can burn:

    TAKING OFF THE CLOTHES
    With her agreement...................12 cal
    Without her agreement...............187 cal

    TAKING OFF THE BRA
    With both hands.......................8 cal
    With one hand........................12 cal
    With the mouth.......................85 cal

    PUTTING ON THE CONDOM
    With erection.........................6 cal
    Without erection....................315 cal

    FOREPLAY
    Trying to find the clitoris...........8 cal
    Trying to find G spot................92 cal
    Without caring at all.................0 cal

    WHEN "DOING IT"
    Holding her up.......................12 cal
    Just on the floor.....................8 cal

    POSITIONS
    Daddy-mummy...........................2 cal
    69 laying.............................8 cal
    69 standing up......................112 cal
    Trolley.............................216 cal
    Italian chandelier..................912 cal

    HAVING AN ORGASM
    Real................................112 cal
    Fake................................315 cal

    POST ORGASM
    Staying in bed.......................18 cal
    Jumping off the bed..................36 cal
    Figuring out why she jumped off the bed...816 cal

    GETTING THE SECOND ERECTION
    Between 16 and 19 years of age.......12 cal
    From 20 to 29........................36 cal
    From 30 to 39.......................108 cal
    From 40 to 49.......................324 cal
    From 50 to 59.......................972 cal
    Over 60........................... 2916 cal

    PUTTING ON THE CLOTHES
    Quietly..............................32 cal
    Being in a hurry.....................98 cal
    With her husband opening the door..1218 cal
    "just because you're not paraniod, doesn't mean they're not after you!"


Comments

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    #2
    Schwarzfahren
    Closed Accounts Posts: 68 ✭✭Schwarzfahren


    <font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">With her husband opening the door..1218 cal
    </font>
    ROTFL!!


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    #3
    Spunog UIE
    Registered Users Posts: 2,651 ✭✭✭Spunog UIE


    The Legal age for consentual sex in Ireland is 17!

    But good stuff. biggrin.gifsmile.gifbiggrin.gif


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    #4
    Dark-Ninja
    Closed Accounts Posts: 333 ✭✭Dark-Ninja


    lol whoops i shouldnt have read that im too young, what are we talking about again? wink.gif
    |** Signing Off **|
    [-FI-]-Dark-Ninja-
    Vice Clan Leader and Match Arranger


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    #5
    azezil
    Registered Users Posts: 11,397 ✭✭✭✭azezil


    <font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by The FANJ:
    Your ideas intregue and wish to subscribe to your newletter.
    </font>

    To subcribe please send a check for £150 to: A Better Life Tru Sex, P.O. Box I want sex, Dublin 2.

    Sign up today and be in a chance to win a dream hoiday with the super model of your choice!


    Disclaimer: Under no circumstances will competition winners be notified.
    "just because you're not paraniod, doesn't mean they're not after you!"


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    #6
    nesf
    Registered Users Posts: 27,645 ✭✭✭✭nesf


    <font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by Bard:

    Used to be the case that you had to be 16 to use condoms, 17 to have sex, and 18 to get married.

    Slightly flucked up system, eh?
    </font>

    I think the system itself provides for at least 1 year of meaningful sex before you start forgetting what used to be like biggrin.gif


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    #7
    Hunter-FLUID
    Closed Accounts Posts: 236 ✭✭Hunter-FLUID


    LOL Nice... biggrin.gifbiggrin.gifbiggrin.gif


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    #8
    Bomberman
    Registered Users Posts: 300 ✭✭Bomberman


    Lol nice 1


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    #9
    Lucy_la_morte
    Closed Accounts Posts: 938 ✭✭✭Lucy_la_morte


    <font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Italian chandelier..................912 cal</font>


    Heh, I'm sure it's not that many...
    Miaow.

    Lucy la morte.


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    #10
    the fnj
    Registered Users Posts: 1,398 ✭✭✭the fnj


    hhhhhhmmmmmmm

    So what your saying is I can counter my overeating with lots of sex.

    Your ideas intregue and wish to subscribe to your newletter.


    lol N1


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    #11
    Bard
    Registered Users Posts: 12,309 ✭✭✭✭Bard


    <font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by Gideon2000:
    The Legal age for consentual sex in Ireland is 17!

    But good stuff. biggrin.gifsmile.gifbiggrin.gif    </font>

    Yeah... but you can use condoms whenever you like...

    Used to be the case that you had to be 16 to use condoms, 17 to have sex, and 18 to get married.

    Slightly flucked up system, eh?
    Bard
    First motorbike in the bible ???? - a Triumph! - 'And yea verily did Moses strike down the ammmanites, - and all the land did hear the roar of his triumph !!!'


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    #12
    Lucifer
    Registered Users Posts: 1,467 ✭✭✭Lucifer


    LOL Good smile.gifbiggrin.gifsmile.gif


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    #13
    RopeDrink
    Category Moderators, Arts Moderators, Computer Games Moderators, Entertainment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 4,599 CMod ✭✭✭✭RopeDrink


    Erk - lol, funny stuff...
    <font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Over 60..............2916 cal</font>
    lol biggrin.gif


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    #14
    Victor
    Registered Users Posts: 78,371 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    <font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by Bard:
    Used to be the case that you had to be 16 to use condoms, 17 to have sex, and 18 to get married.</font>

    Can't a girl get married at 16, a guy at 17 with parental consent (a bit ironic isn't it? Mummy, Mummy can I get married?).

    I think you have to be 21 to make up your own mind (not sure).

    Changing call sign to SIERRA PAPA OSCAR OSCAR FOXTROT.


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    #15
    Bard
    Registered Users Posts: 12,309 ✭✭✭✭Bard


    <font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by Victor:
    Can't a girl get married at 16, a guy at 17 with parental consent (a bit ironic isn't it? Mummy, Mummy can I get married?).
    </font>

    There's no difference between men and women in the legal age of marriage or sexual consent. That would be sexual discrimination on behalf of the state if there were.
    <font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">

    I think you have to be 21 to make up your own mind (not sure).

    </font>

    Nope.
    Bard
    First motorbike in the bible ???? - a Triumph! - 'And yea verily did Moses strike down the ammmanites, - and all the land did hear the roar of his triumph !!!'

    [This message has been edited by Bard (edited 25-05-2001).]


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    #16
    azezil
    Registered Users Posts: 11,397 ✭✭✭✭azezil


    gee's ppl its a joke not a philisophical debate on the legal age for sex! rolleyes.gif
    "just because you're not paraniod, doesn't mean they're not after you!"


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    #17
    Sean
    Closed Accounts Posts: 104 ✭✭Sean


    lol nice one wink.gif


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    #18
    nerox
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5 ✭nerox


    Some one please explain the Italian chandelier.. in erotic detail if possible :P


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    #19
    Victor
    Registered Users Posts: 78,371 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    <font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by Bard:
    That would be sexual discrimination on behalf of the state if there were.</font>

    And what would be new there?

    Changing call sign to SIERRA PAPA OSCAR OSCAR FOXTROT.


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    #20
    Bard
    Registered Users Posts: 12,309 ✭✭✭✭Bard


    <font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by azezil:
    gee's ppl its a joke not a philisophical debate on the legal age for sex! rolleyes.gif

    </font>

    nyah! tongue.gif

    It can be if we want it to be!... which... I ... don't.
    Bard
    First motorbike in the bible ???? - a Triumph! - 'And yea verily did Moses strike down the ammmanites, - and all the land did hear the roar of his triumph !!!'


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    #21
    Klay
    Closed Accounts Posts: 64 ✭✭Klay


    <font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Trolley.............................216 cal
    Italian chandelier..................912 cal
    </font>

    /me is so innocent..

    WTF are they? confused.gif

    "(Shaft error to Klay[b-airlock140.esatclear.ie]: Erection reset by queer)"


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    #22
    Victor
    Registered Users Posts: 78,371 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    <font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by Klay:
    /me is so innocent..

    WTF are they? confused.gif    </font>

    Oh dear, now we get TB&TBs on boards.ie.

    Changing call sign to SIERRA PAPA OSCAR OSCAR FOXTROT.


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