Child Hide, and Child Jeckls..

gubby

what do you say to a almost 4 yrs old who can turn on you for the slightst thing.. and scream "you are not my friend, and I dont like you etc.."
this is to me (granny) and mostly to her grandad.. can be very moody.
I just want to know how do you reply to something like that. I useually just say "well, I still love you anyway." but I am wondering if I should be a bit stricter on her and say that is not good behavour?
what do other parents think.
She has had quiet a bit of trama in her life.. he parents are split up.

commuterised

I have a niece who can turn around and say nasty things like that too, and usually what we say is, oh you've hurt x's feelings, that's unkind etc and remind her of when someone said things like that to her. She's usually remorseful then.

Blinda

You are doing just fine.
(This moody/tantrum age/period is normal - still in ego development stage and wants her own way at all costs. However there is no sanction for her re-this behaviour because you reinforce your love for her no matter how nasty she acts or speaks.
She is still at the age and not too late to start learn socially acceptable behaviour. Boundaries are taught and learned at this age.
Try and ignore the behaviour when its happening, and try not to reinforce your love for her while it is.
Idea isto pre-warn in a non threatening way. Pick a time when all's OK. Tell her how much you love her and always will. Say 'you are hurt by her behaviour when she is nasty'.
Say that other people can be hurt by this too. Be firm so there is no misunderstanding. Say it will not be tolorated from today and a fixed penalty will follow.
Explain this - (have a naughty place ready - the bottom step of stairs, siting on a particular stool/baby chair for 4 MINUTES) (1 min for 1 year old: 2m for two, 3m for three etc.
So the next time it happens let her see you are displeased, remind her of your little chat and the promised consequences. Then ignore her until she stops and ALWAYS carry out what you have said you will do without exception. Others in the house should follow same routine.
Good luck
PS programmes for parenting toddlers are invaluable, why not try to join one.
Also try library for Toddler Taming by Dr C Green, some tips there.

Lex Luthor

Blinda wrote:

Also try library for Toddler Taming by Dr C Green, some tips there.

We got this book and some of the chapters I agree with, but the one about the Controlled crying technique is not right.
Any kids that screams at you and says those type of words, there is obviously a background to it and you've mentioned that. I would say to them that it upsets you to hear what they say and if it continues, try the time-out situation. They'll soon get the message.

cecilwinthorpe

hmm we used to use the time out method in the creche but i dont know if it actually works or not. I find if you actually sit the child down and explain to them why what they have just done is wrong and how it made you feel then tell them that the right thing to do is say sorry then let them have time to think about it and apologise in their own time then this works best well it did with the group of children that i had anyway.

gubby

thanks for replies everyone and the advice.. but I am wondering out loud here...
If a child says "I dont like you" perhaps we should allow them to express that.. even in a situation where we KNOW that the person loves them totally and is no danger to them. I know in this case she says it to lots of people, my husband, (granddad) one of her aunts and one of her uncles.
Now she has improved a lot and I guess it is just a stage. I am just wondering how we can let them know that its ok not to like everyone. but maybe help them to express it diffirently???

Nevyn

try shift it to I dont like what you are saying/doing/not letting me do.