Praise the Lord...

WhiteWashMan

for all you christians. especially the excelsior muppet....

Laura Schlessinger is a US radio personality who dispenses advice to people
who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that homosexuality is an
abominaton according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned in any
circumstance.
The following is an open letter to Dr.Laura penned by a US resident and
also posted on the Internet:-
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Dear Dr. Laura,
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have
learned a great deal from your show, and I try to Share that knowledge with
as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual
lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly
states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from
you, however, regarding some of the specific laws and how to follow them.

a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a
pleasing odour for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbours.They
claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus
21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price her?

c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her
period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is,how do I
tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.

d) Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female,
provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A friend of mine
claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify?
Why
can't I own Canadians?

e) I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2
clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated To kill him
myself?

f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an
abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I
don't agree. Can you settle this?

g) Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a
defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my
vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around
their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How
should they die?

i) I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me
unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

j) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different
crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two
different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse
and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of
getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev.24:10-16) Couldn't we
just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people
who
sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can
help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and
unchanging. Your devoted disciple and adoring fan.

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One Of your Imps Does A Good Impersonation Of You
He Can Even Do The Ears.....

Steven

He forgot about that one killer statement in leviticus. You can't eat owls. That, I feel, is just too great a burden to bear

Hunter-FLUID

Ummm....
Dont know if you would want that as a fan

the fnj

LOL

I really must learn them off for the next time I get into an argument with a religous nut.

azezil

LOL the old testiment is full of crap like that, its good for a laugh on a rainy day!

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"just because you're not paraniod, doesn't mean they're not after you!"

SHADOW

hehe gg
Havent had a laugh like that in ages. Wouldnt mind checkin those references out to compare. Unfortunatly I left my bible at home

Paladin

Ive seen that loadsa times now and its still funny.

I think ex saw it last time too.
He never claimed to rigidly obey the bible tho (strained the fact he didnt afair). Good thing too or he couldnt pee on sundays

Schwarzfahren

Heh heh, good!
Saw something similar on some american sitcom / drama a good while ago - I think it was "The West Wing" - dunno.

black_wizardd

All this talk about a punishment of death for commiting a "sin", does that not contradict with the whole "Thou shalt not kill (especially on Sundays)" rigmarole. Ah, the Bible, I've never seen a book contradict itself quite as much as the good 'ol Bible, always reliable for a good chuckle.

WhiteWashMan

<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by black_wizardd:
All this talk about a punishment of death for commiting a "sin", does that not contradict with the whole "Thou shalt not kill (especially on Sundays)" rigmarole. Ah, the Bible, I've never seen a book contradict itself quite as much as the good 'ol Bible, always reliable for a good chuckle.</font>

i reckon most 'organised' religions based on christianity are good for a giggle
just look at at catholacism. ahh, that one really makes me laugh.
at least being a protestant i can use a condom and have no fear of going to hell ;0

Shiminay

Eamo - you remind me of that scene in Monty Python's the Meaning Of Life (just before the Michael Palin and the rest start singing Every Sperm Is Sacred).

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All the best!
Dav
@B^)
So Bob Hoskins was about to roll a spliff when in walks Dana with her 3 foot Bong
[honey i] violated [the kids]
Tribes 2 Goodness
The Dawn of the Beefy King approaches...

WhiteWashMan

<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by Kharn:
Eamo - you remind me of that scene in Monty Python's the Meaning Of Life (just before the Michael Palin and the rest start singing Every Sperm Is Sacred).

</font>

lol, splut...
theres another one!