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Little Johnnie jokes

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  • 13-06-2001 10:00pm
    #1
    TheWolf
    Registered Users Posts: 801 ✭✭✭


    Dont know if these have been posted before, chances are one or two have already, but still theres a few gems in there...

    Little Johnnie on Gramar

    One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
    First, she called on little Suzy, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
    "Very good, Suzy," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
    "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully'" She said, "Excellent, Michael!"
    Then, the teacher called on little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful,...just ****ing beautiful!'"

    Little Johnnie on Math

    Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic and a spanking.
    "Why?" asks the father.
    "The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6'"
    "But that's right!"
    "Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
    "What's the ****ing difference?" asks the father.
    "That's what I said!


    Little Johnnie the Smartass

    A traveling salesman rings the doorbell and 10-year-old Little Johnny answers, holding a beer and smoking a fat cigar. The salesman says, "Little boy, is your mother home?"
    Little Johnny taps his ash on the carpet and says, "What the **** do you think?"

    Little Johnnie in the bedroom

    Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day only to catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding a condom onto his penis in preparation of sex with his wife. Johnny's father in attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it bent over as if to look under the bed. Little Johnny asked curiously "What ya doin dad?
    His father quickly replied, "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed"
    Little Johnny replied "What ya gonna do, **** him?"

    Little Johnnie in the shower

    Mommy is taking a shower when little Johnnie wanders in. He stops, wide-eyed, and stares down at her crotch. "What's that, Mommie?"
    Mommy is embarassed and stammers "That's where the angel hit me with a golden axe!".
    Johnnie gulps and says "Jeez!, right in the snatch, huh!"

    Little Johnnie strikes again

    Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.
    Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.
    "MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND..."
    Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.
    So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy..."
    At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
    At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

    Little Johnnie eating candybars

    Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat."
    Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
    The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
    Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own ****ing business!"



    arrrrRRROOOOOOOOOOoooo...


Comments

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    #2
    smoke.me.a.kipper
    Registered Users Posts: 7,626 ✭✭✭smoke.me.a.kipper


    that last one is class.


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    #3
    El Marco
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,031 ✭✭✭El Marco


    Pure Classics biggrin.gif


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    #4
    Lump
    Registered Users Posts: 10,984 ✭✭✭✭Lump


    LOL, I love em.


    John


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    #5
    Slaanesh
    Moderators, Education Moderators Posts: 1,863 Mod ✭✭✭✭Slaanesh


    Little Halloween Johnnie

    The children had just come back from their haloween break and the teacher was asking them what they had done on their time off.

    The teacher first asked Mary, who replied, "I bobbed for apples !!".

    The teacher then asked Tom, "I went trick or treating and got lots of sweets !!"

    At this stage Little Johnnie was jumping up and down trying to get the teachers attention. Reluctantly she asked, "So Johnnie what did you do for Halloween ?"

    Johnnie said, "I shoved a banger up a dogs **** ."

    Teacher replied "Rectum Johnnie, Rectum."

    "Rectum miss ? Nearly ****ing killed him."


    Slaan.


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    #6
    Puck
    Registered Users Posts: 1,783 ✭✭✭Puck


    LOL! Love the Smartass one!
    John (yes THE John!)
    "Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government."


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    #7
    nesf
    Registered Users Posts: 27,645 ✭✭✭✭nesf


    Prob been seen before but...

    Little johnny is going to the bathroom, and the lid falls down. (use your imagination). Johnny starts to cry. His mother rushes in, and says "Whats happened?", "Mommy it fell and hurt it", he replied. So Mommy took it up in her hand and asked "Is that better son?". Johnny replied "Kiss it better Mommy"

    Mommy replied "You can **** off, using your father's tricks on me!"


    [This message has been edited by nesf (edited 15-06-2001).]


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    #8
    TheWolf
    Registered Users Posts: 801 ✭✭✭TheWolf


    LMAO at Slaanesh, Kolodny and nesf's replies

    arrrrRRROOOOOOOOOOoooo...


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    #9
    Shagus
    Closed Accounts Posts: 234 ✭✭Shagus


    LOL to all the above! smile.gif
    I Love Johnny =)



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    #10
    Kolodny
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,634 ✭✭✭Kolodny


    Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?" "No," said his mom, "of course not." Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"


    A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
    Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
    Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
    Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"
    The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
    And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"


    The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnnie."Well I can see that," she said. "But what is so exciting about a period."
    "Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mummy fainted and the man next door shot himself."

    Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.


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