Company Policy

Sandy

SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement
as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to
the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are
an employee here, you need all your organs.
You should not consider removing anything. We
hired you intact. To have something
removed constitutes a breach of employment.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is
nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or
co-workers. Every effort should be made to have
non-employees attend to the arrangements.
In rare cases, where employee involvement is
necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in
the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow
you to work through your lunch hour and
subsequently leave one hour early, provided
your share of the work is enough to keep the
job going in your absence.

YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse, however, we
require at least two weeks notice, as it is
your duty to train your replacement.

REST ROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the
rest room. In the future, we will follow the
practice of going in alphabetical order. For
instance, those whose names begin with 'A' will
go from 8:00 a.m. to 8:10 a.m., employees whose
names begin with 'B' will go from 8:10 a.m. to
8:20 a.m. and so on. If you're unable
to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait
until the next day when your time comes again.
In extreme emergencies employees may swap
their time with a co-worker. Both employees'
supervisors must approve this exchange in writing.
In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute
time limit in the stalls. At the end of 3 minutes,
an alarm bell will sound, the toilet paper roll
will retract, and the stall door will open.

PAYCHEQUE GUIDE:
The following helpful guide has been prepared
to help our employees better understand their
paycheques:

Gross Pay $1,222.02
Income Tax $ 244.40
Outgo Tax $ 45.21
Provincial Tax $ 11.61
Federal Tax $ 61.10
Mel's Tax $ 6.11 (Toronto employees only)
City Tax $ 12.22
Rural Tax $ 4.44
Back Tax $ 1.11
Front Tax $ 1.16
Side Tax $ 1.61
Tic-Tacs $ 1.98
Thumbtacks $ 3.93
Carpet Tacks $ 0.98
Stadium Tax $ 0.69
Flat Tax $ 8.32
Surtax $ 3.46
Corporate Tax $ 2.60
Parking Fee $ 5.00
U.I. $ 81.88
T.G.I.F. Fund $ 9.95
Life Insurance $ 5.85
Health Insur. $ 16.23
Dental Insur. $ 4.50
Mental Insur. $ 4.33
Reassurance $ 0.11
Disability $ 2.50
Ability $ 0.25
Liability $ 3.41
Unreliability $ 10.99
Coffee $ 6.85
Coffee Cups $ 66.51
Floor Rental $ 16.85
Chair Rental $ 0.32
Desk Rental $ 4.32
Union Dues $ 5.85
Union Don'ts $ 3.77
Cash Advance $ 0.69
Cash Retreats $ 121.35
Overtime $ 1.26
Undertime $ 54.83
Eastern Time $ 9.00
Central Time $ 8.00
Mountain Time $ 7.00
Pacific Time $ 6.00
Time Out $ 12.21
Oxygen $ 10.02
Water $ 16.54
Heat $ 51.42
Cool Air $ 26.83
Hot Air $ 20.00
Miscellaneous $ 113.29
Sundry $ 12.09
Various $ 8.01
Net Pay $ 0.02

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide
a positive employment experience. All questions, comments, concerns,
complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or input
should be directed elsewhere.

Lump

HE HE :0


John

smoke.me.a.kipper

very good. yes.

Oh yeah

.... tic tacs...

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Life is like a pyrotechnics display. You've got to stand back and let it happen, othwerwise you're are sincerely bollocked....

thegreensock.com

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