a few jokes

Lucifer · 25-06-2001 7:35pm #1

sorry but i couldnt b bothered editin it

> > > > > > Joe leased an apartment and went to the lobby to put
> > > > > > his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive
> > > > > > young lady came out of the apartment next to the
> > > > > > mailboxes wearing a robe. Joe smiled at the young
> > > > > > woman and she started a conversation with him. As they
> > > > > > talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that
> > > > > > she had nothing else on. Poor Joe broke out into a
> > > > > > sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
> > > > > >
> > > > > > After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm
> > > > > > and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone
> > > > > > coming."
> > > > > >
> > > > > > He followed her into her apartment, she closed the
> > > > > > door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall
> > > > > > off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What
> > > > > > would you say is my best feature?"
> > > > > >
> > > > > > Flustered and embarrassed, Joe finally squeaked, "It's
> > > > > > got to be your ears!"
> > > > > >
> > > > > > Astounded and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look
> > > > > > at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I
> > > > > > work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at
> > > > > > my skin....no blemishes anywhere! How can you feel the
> > > > > > best part of my body is my ears?"

> >>>>
> >>>> >> > One day a Paki called Shabir, a decorator, was painting a wall
> >>>> >>white.
> >>>> >> > But on climbing the ladder he slipped and fell into the tub of
> >>>> >>white paint
> >>>> >> > and was covered in white paint. So he decides to go home and get
> >>>> >> changed.
> >>>> >> > On the way his boss Asif says, "Shabir what's up? What's
> >>>> >>happened to
> >>>> >>you?"
> >>>> >> > Shabir says, "Look, I was painting the wall and I was climbing
> >>>> >>up the
> >>>> >>ladder
> >>>> >> > and I slipped and I fell into the tub of white paint.
> >>>> >> > Now I'm going home to change my clothes."
> >>>> >> > Shabir started walking down the street when came his mate Azam.
> >>>> >> He says
> >>>> >> > Shabir what's up? What's happened to you?"
> >>>> >> > Shabir says, "Look, I was painting the wall and I was climbing
> >>>> >>up the
> >>>> >>ladder
> >>>> >> > and I slipped and I fell into the tub of white paint.
> >>>> >> > Now I'm going home to change my clothes. Alright!"
> >>>> >> > Ok Ok I was only asking!" replied Azam.
> >>>> >> > Further down the street, Imran sees Shabir and says "Shabir
> >>>> >>what's up?
> >>>> >> > What's happened to you?"
> >>>> >> > Shabir says, "Flippin' 'eck -look I was painting, climbing up
> >>>> >>the ladder,
> >>>> >> > slipped, fell in white paint, now going home to get changed!!"
> >>>> >> > ****in' hell mate, I was only asking!" Getting towards his
> >>>> >>house, his
> >>>> >> > neighbor Rashid says
> >>>> >> > "Shabir what's up? What's happened to you?"
> >>>> >> > Shabir snaps, "Sweet Jesus! Me, painting, slipped, fell, white
> >>>> >>paint,
> >>>> >>home,
> >>>> >> > get changed, for ****'s sake!" Rashid goes, Hey, I was only
> >>>> >> > asking!"
> >>>> >> > On approaching his door,Shabir's wife Saima says, Shabir what's
> >>>> >>up? What's
> >>>> >> > happened to you?"
> >>>> >> > Shabir goes, "****ing hell, I've only been white for 15 minutes,
> >>>> >>and
> >>>> >>already
> >>>> >> > I can't stand you ****ing Pakis!!!

>>>Aer Lingus
>>> > A mother and young son were flying Aer Lingus. The son,
>>>who
>>> > had been
>>> > looking out the plane's window, turned to his mother and
>>>said
>>> > "Mom ... If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have
>>>baby
>>> > cats, why don't
>>> > big planes have baby planes?"
>>> > Stumped for an answer the mother suggested to her son
>>>that he
>>> > ask the
>>> > stewardess.
>>> > The boy promptly got out of his seat and wandered back to
>>>the
>>> > service area.
>>> > "Excuse me" the boy said to the stewardess. "If big dogs
>>>have
>>> > baby dogs and
>>> > big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby
>>> > planes?"
>>> > "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?" "Yes" He said
>>> > nodding his head.
>>> > She whispered in the boy's ear, "Tell your mother it's
>>>because
>>> > Aer Lingus
>>> > always pulls out on time."

>>> > The parish priest needs his house painted so he offers
>>>the job
>>> > to one of his
>>> > altar boys. The first day the kid paints the entire
>>>inside of
>>> > the house,
>>> > he's sweating like hell but eventually gets it finished.
>>> > The priest commends him on the work and with a flourish
>>>hands
>>> > him 50p. The
>>> > boy looks at the coin and says to the priest "Thanks very
>>>much
>>> > Father,
>>> > you're a virgin".
>>> > The priest is a bit startled but makes no remark. Next
>>>day the
>>> > boy has to
>>> > paint the outside of the house; it's a really hot day and
>>>he
>>> > just manages to
>>> > finish the job without collapsing.
>>> > The priest looks at the job and this time gives the lad a
>>>pound
>>> > coin. Once
>>> > again the lad looks at the coin and says "Thanks very
>>>much
>>> > Father,you really
>>> > are a virgin".
>>> > At this stage the priest decides to take action. "Tommy,"
>>>he
>>> > says,"that's
>>> > twice you called me a virgin. Do you have any idea what
>>>the
>>> > word means?".
>>> > "Yes" says the brat,"a tight c*nt"

>>> > Little Johnny in Love
>>> > The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her
>>> > eleven-year-old students.
>>> > Taking him aside after class one day,she asked,
>>> > "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor
>>>lately?"
>>> > "I'm in love," the boy replied.
>>> > Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"
>>> > "With YOU!" he said.
>>> > "But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly
>>>that
>>> > is? It's true
>>> > that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I
>>>don't want
>>> > a child."
>>> > "Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a
>>> > rubber!"

>>> > Sons
>>> >
>>> > Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to
>>>the
>>> > first tee and the
>>> > fourth went into the clubhouse to make some calls. The
>>>three
>>> > men started
>>> > talking, bragging about their sons.The first man told the
>>> > others,
>>> > "My son is a homebuilder and he is so successful that he
>>>gave a
>>> > friend a new
>>> > home for free."
>>> > The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now
>>>he owns
>>> > a multi-line
>>> > dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a
>>>new
>>> > Mercedes
>>> > convertible, fully loaded."
>>> > The third man bragged, "My son is a stockbroker and he's
>>>doing
>>> > so well that
>>> > he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio."
>>> > The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few
>>>minutes.
>>> > The first man said, "We were just talking about our sons.
>>>How
>>> > is yours
>>> > doing?"
>>> > The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and dances
>>>in a
>>> > gay bar. I'm
>>> > not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must
>>>be
>>> > doing good. His
>>> > last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new
>>>Mercedes,
>>> > and a stock
>>> > portfolio.

>>> > There was this couple that was married for 20 years, and
>>>every
>>> > time they had
>>> > s*x the husband always insisted on shutting off the
>>>lights.
>>> > Well, after 20
>>> > years the wife felt this was stupid. She figured she
>>>would
>>> > break him out of
>>> > the crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the
>>>middle of
>>> > doing it,
>>> > she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her
>>>husband
>>> > was holding a
>>> > dildo. She got really upset.
>>> > "You impotent b*stard," she screamed at him, "how could
>>>you be
>>> > lying to me
>>> > all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
>>> > The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says,
>>>calmly,
>>> > "I'll explain
>>> > the dildo.......If you can explain our three kids."

>>> > One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very
>>>attracted
>>> > to him and,
>>> > during her questions about his life, she asked him how he
>>> > managed for s*x.
>>> > "What's that?" he asked. She explained to him what s*x
>>>was, and
>>> > he said,
>>> > "Oh,Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."
>>> > Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have that all wrong! I
>>>will
>>> > show you how to
>>> > do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on
>>>the
>>> > ground, and
>>> > spread her legs wide. "Here," she said, pointing, "You
>>>must
>>> > put it in
>>> > here."
>>> > Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then
>>>gave her
>>> > an almighty
>>> > kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony.
>>>Eventually she
>>> > managed to
>>> > gasp, "Why the hell did you do that?"
>>> > "Tarzan check for bees!"

>>> > 10 Times Bigger
>>> > The 10th grade teacher asks Jessica:
>>> > "What part of the human body increases to 10 times it's
>>>normal
>>> > size when
>>> > excited?"
>>> > Jessica responds: "That's disgusting!
>>> > I don't have to answer that question!" So the teacher
>>>asks
>>> > little Johnny,
>>> > who responds:
>>> > "That's easy...the pupil of the eye." "That's correct,
>>>Johnny.
>>> > Very good!"
>>> > And turning to Jessica, she says:
>>> > "I've three things to say to you, young lady... first,
>>>you
>>> > didn't do your
>>> > homework; second, you have a dirty mind; and third,
>>>you're in
>>> > for a big
>>> > disappointment!"

>>> > Weighed???
>>> > Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you
>>>like
>>> > to do first,
>>> > Kim?" asked Joe. "I want to get weighed," she said. They
>>>ambled
>>> > over to the
>>> > weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds.
>>> > She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.b
>>>Next
>>> > the couple went
>>> > on the ferris wheel.
>>> > When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she
>>>would like
>>> > to do. "I
>>> > want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight
>>>guesser they
>>> > went. Since
>>> > they had been there before, he guessed her correct
>>>weight, and
>>> > Joe lost his
>>> > dollar. The couple walked around the carnival and again
>>>he
>>> > asked where to
>>> > next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this
>>>time, Joe
>>> > figured she
>>> > was really weird and took her home early, dropping her
>>>off with
>>> > a handshake.
>>> > Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date,
>>>"How'd it
>>> > go?"
>>> > Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

[This message has been edited by Lucifer.POD (edited 25-06-2001).]