worst joke ever

Shagus

NON-BIBLICAL PROVERBS:

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Everyone has a photographic memory.
Some don't have film.

A day without sunshine is like ... night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say
will be misquoted and then used against you.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without
sponges.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it
remains so popular?

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its
burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all
fall off.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of
getting something right, there's a 90% probability
you'll get it wrong.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the
world end to end, someone would be stupid enough
to try and pass them.

You can't have everything, where would you put it?

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75%
of the world's population.

The things that come to those who wait are usually the
things left by those who got there first.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for
doing well.

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer
in rats.

Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some
people appear bright until you hear them speak.

"This is the pilot speaking. I was wondering if any of
you passengers have any duct tape. If you do, could you
bring it up to the ****pit really fast?"

Virginia:

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six
days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel found him, resting on the
seventh day.

He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards
through the clouds, "Look, Michael, look what I've made." Archangel
Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to
call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?", inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth, "For example,
northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while
southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be
a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over
there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to
different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while
this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large
land mass and said, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God. "That's Virginia, the most glorious place on earth.
There are beautiful lakes, green fields, sunsets, and rolling hills.
The people from Virginia are going to be modest, intelligent, and
humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world.
They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, and high achieving,
and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and
carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed,
"What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!"

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I'm putting
next to them in Washington, DC."

---

---

A guy is sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife
sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a
frying pan. "What was that for?" he says.
"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket
with the name Marylou written on it," she replies.
"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Marylou was the
name of one of the horses I bet on," he explains.
She looks satisfied, apologizes, and goes off to do work
around the house.
Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading
when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan,
knocking him out cold.
When he comes to, he says, "What the hell was that
for?"
"Your horse phoned."

---

---

This is a great example of "did I say that out loud???" This
actually happened at Harvard University in October last year.

In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose
levels found in semen.
A female freshman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand,
you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in semen?"
"That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add
statistical info.
Raising her hand again, she asked, "Then why doesn't it taste
sweet?" After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The
poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she
had
inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without
a word and walked out of class, never to return.
However, as she was going out the door, the professor's reply was
classic.

Totally straight-faced he answered her question. "It doesn't taste sweet
because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and
not the back of your throat. Have a good day."

---

---

SISTERS OF MERCY

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a
sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads:

SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES

He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without
a second thought. Soon he sees another sign which says:

SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real. He drives
past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the
far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a sign next to
the door reading:

SISTERS OF MERCY

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun
in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you my son?" He answers,
"I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing
business." "Very well, my son. Please follow me."

He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.
The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man "Please knock on this
door."
He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long
habit holding a tin cup. The nun instructs him to place $50.00 in the
tin cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway.

He gets $50.00 out of his wallet, places it in the tin cup and trots
eagerly down the hall through the door. As the door closes behind him it locks
and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another small sign:

GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY

---

---

Jane was a first time contestant on a $65,000 quiz show. Lady Luck had
smiled in her favor, as Jane had gained a substantial lead over her
opponents.
She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out
before the show's host could ask her the big question.

Jane agreed to return the following day. She was nervous as her
husband drove them home.

'I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers were.
You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like
garbage tomorrow.'

'Relax honey,' her husband, Roger, reassured her. 'It will all be OK.'

Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and
started heading out the door.

'Where are you going?' Jane asked.

'I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon.'

After an agonizing three hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very
wide and wicked grin.

'Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer.'

'What is it?' she cried excitedly.

'OK, the question is, "What are the three main parts of the male
anatomy?"

And the answer is, "The head, the heart and the penis."'
The couple went to sleep with Jane now feeling at ease, plummeting
into a deep slumber. At 3.30 am, however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who
was asking her the quiz show question.

'The head, the heart, the penis,' Jane replied groggily before
returning to sleep.
Roger asked her again in the morning as Jane was brushing her teeth.
Once again she replied correctly.
So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even
though she knew the question and answer, she could feel butterflies.
The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience
of the previous day's events, faced Jane and asked the big question.

'Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You
have ten seconds.'

'Hmmm, uhm, the head? She said nervously.

'Very good. Six seconds.'

'Eh, uh, the heart?

'Very good. Four seconds.'

'I, uhh, ooooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last
night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning... '

'That's close enough,' said the game show host, 'Congratulations!'