I'll put a few funny things here, enjoy !!!

entropi

Here's a few jokes for all of you.

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[::::::> Rest In Pieces

Dr. Loon

What!!!?!?!?

red_ice

What are you sniffin ???

Bob the Unlucky Octopus

***This is a boards.ie PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT***



Bob the Unlucky Octopus
=Errare Humanum Est=

Oh yeah

Hehehe..


Made me laugh .

Magwitch

ha ha ha ha....I think I will tell the one between the full stop and the dotted line down the pub ;-)

entropi

Soz bout the wait, i had to do something else and forgot to put them up here. Will have them for you soon.

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[::::::> Rest In Pieces

entropi

SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN DUBLIN TOO LONG
1. You say 'taeun' when you mean the city.
2. You think it is perfectly normal to pay over ?3.00 for a pint.
3. Anyone not from Dublin is a '****er'.
4. Anyone from outside Dublin and north of the Liffey is a 'Northern
****er'.
5. You have no idea where the North is.
6. You see any member of Boyzone in the POD (again) and find it hard to get
excited about it.
7. The countryside makes you nervous.
8. Somebody speaks to you on the DART and you freak out thinking they are a
stalker.
9. American tourists no longer annoy you.
10. You can't remember the last time you got up to 30 mph in your car in
"taeun."

SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN LIMERICK TOO LONG
1. You have an urge to steal.
2. You keep going on about how great Limerick and Garryowen are.
3. To you, organised crime is putting petrol in the getaway car.
4. You start to cry when you hear 'Beautiful Munsters'.
5. You think anyone from Limerick has a great sense of humour.
6. You think everyone's heard of Barry Foley
7.You think Dubliners are 'soft east coast ashy pets'... until they kick
your head in at rugby.
8.You deny that it rains all the time.. as you struggle home with the
shopping in yet another torrential downpour.

SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN DERRY TOO LONG
1.You say 'Sir' all the time ("Howsa goan thur Sir").
2. You say '****e' all the time
3.You say 'aye' all the time.
4.You end sentences with 'Hi' i.e. 'I'm no goan' thur, Hi, it's ****e'.
5.You think Irn Bru is great, ignoring the fact it 'tastes of ****e Hi'.
6.You get an urge to punch everybody you meet.
7.You punch everybody you meet.
8.You get drunk before, after and during punching everybody you meet.
9.You are incomprehensible.
10. People seem to be scared of you when you say where you are from.
11. You automatically get the urge to kill on hearing the words
'Londonderry' or 'England'.

SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN CORK TOO LONG
1.You say "I'm Grand" all the time.
2.You think of Guinness as if it is the sixth food group.
3.You disagreed with 2. - Guinness is the FIRST food group.
4.You're pale and white... yet compared to others your suntan looks good.
5.You say "Are you Grand ?" all the time.
6.You say "Isn't that grand?" all the time.
7.You say "That'd be grand" all the time.
8.You take 4 hours to get home on a Saturday night and think nothing of it.

9. You don't eat anything cold, uncooked or not resembling meat, bread or
potatoes.
10.You say "Your man" all the time.
11.You say "Your woman" all the time.
12.You say "It's grand that your man asked if I'm grand" all the time.
13.You find yourself still living with family and having dinners cooked for
you by someone's mammy - at 30.
14.You talk about 'dinners' and 'mammys'.

SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN WICKLOW TOO LONG
1.You're still there.

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[::::::> Rest In Pieces

entropi

EXTREME SPORTS...IRISH STYLE..
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section
and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,"
says Gerry,
The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds,
leave the shop and get into Gerry's Hiace to drive to the top of the Conor
Pass.
At the Conor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000-foot drop and says; "Dis
looks like a grand place."
He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps
off the cliff.
Paddy watches as Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself
stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says;
"**** dat. Dis budgie jumping is too ****in' dangerous for me."

Moment's later Seamus arrives up at Conor Pass. He's been to the pet shop
too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in
one hand and a shotgun in the other.
"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the bag and
throws himself over the edge of the cliff.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks
every bone in his body.
Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting
either."

Paddy is just getting over the shock of loosing two friends when Sean Og
appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out
of which he pulls a chicken.
Sean Og then hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until
he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head - "**** that Lads. First der was Gerry with
his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting and now Sean Og is ****in'
hengliding."

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[::::::> Rest In Pieces

entropi

> THE BEER TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE:
>
> SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
> FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
> ACTION: Punch him.
>
> SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in
> FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
> ACTION: See if they have free beer.
>
> SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
> FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
> ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
>
> SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
> FAULT: Improper bladder control.
> ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
>
> SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
> FAULT: Glass empty.
> ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
>
> SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
> FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
> ACTION: Have yourself chained to bar.
>
> SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
> FAULT: You have fallen forward.
> ACTION: See above.
>
> SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
> FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
> ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
>
> SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
> FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
> ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
>
> SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
> FAULT: You are being carried out.
> ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
>
> SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
> FAULT: Bar has closed.
> ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender, take taxi home.
>
> SYMPTOM: Taxi's interior suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
> FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
> ACTION: Cover mouth.
>
> SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
> FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
> ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
>
> SYMPTOM: Hands hurts, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
> FAULT: You have been in a fight.
> ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
>
> SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
> FAULT: The beer is too weak.
> ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.
>
> SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
> FAULT: Beer is just right.
> ACTION: Play air guitar.
>
> SYMPTOM: Ugly woman in your sights.
> FAULT: Insufficient beer intake.
> ACTION: Up the dosage.
>
> SYMPTOM: Shins and toes hurt.
> FAULT: You've been walking into things.
> ACTION: Maintain dosage.
>
> SYMPTOM: Squishy feeling in the hands.
> FAULT: You have grabbed hold of a woman's breasts.
> ACTION: Duck to avoid boyfriend's fist.
>
> SYMPTOM: Bed is bumping around.
> FAULT: Taking an ambulance ride.
> ACTION: It's too late, you made an ass of yourself, again.
>

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[::::::> Rest In Pieces

Mr.Applepie

<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by Death Sentence:
SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN DUBLIN TOO LONG
1. You say 'taeun' when you mean the city.
2. You think it is perfectly normal to pay over ?3.00 for a pint.
3. Anyone not from Dublin is a '****er'.
4. Anyone from outside Dublin and north of the Liffey is a 'Northern
****er'.
5. You have no idea where the North is.
6. You see any member of Boyzone in the POD (again) and find it hard to get
excited about it.
7. The countryside makes you nervous.
8. Somebody speaks to you on the DART and you freak out thinking they are a
stalker.
9. American tourists no longer annoy you.
10. You can't remember the last time you got up to 30 mph in your car in
"taeun."</font>

1.it's Pronounced tawen
2.no its f*cking not normal
3.i think u'll find that they're culties
4.they're northerners
5.It's probably up the north of the country but i havent looked at a map in a while so i cant be sure
6.I don't get excited i get angry
7.There is nothing wrong with the countryside it's the cows that scare me(they have to be up to something. no1 just eats grass all day. I'm tellin u watch out for em)
8.I dont think they're gonna stalk me i think they're gonna mug me
9.American tourists annoy everyone. It's a proven fact
10. I cant discredit that one but it's the same for nearly every tawen nowadays

---

My cats breath smells like cat food!

Victor

<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by Death Sentence:
SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN CORK TOO LONG
1.You say "I'm Grand" all the time.
2.You think of Guinness as if it is the sixth food group.
3.You disagreed with 2. - Guinness is the FIRST food group.
4.You're pale and white... yet compared to others your suntan looks good.
5.You say "Are you Grand ?" all the time.
6.You say "Isn't that grand?" all the time.
7.You say "That'd be grand" all the time.
8.You take 4 hours to get home on a Saturday night and think nothing of it.
9. You don't eat anything cold, uncooked or not resembling meat, bread or
potatoes.
10.You say "Your man" all the time.
11.You say "Your woman" all the time.
12.You say "It's grand that your man asked if I'm grand" all the time.
13.You find yourself still living with family and having dinners cooked for
you by someone's mammy - at 30.
14.You talk about 'dinners' and 'mammys'.</font>

1. Fine! If you are goin to be like that
2. They don't think about Guiness at all - they think about Murphys.
3. Yes, but I also disagree with 3.
4. Other being people from Longford, Leitrim & Cavan?
5. No.
6. No.
7. No.
8. No, half an hour - walking.
9. What about Murphys - isn't that food?
10. You mean "yerman"?
11. You talking about "wan"s?
12. No.
13. No - that's the brother.
14. You mean grub and yer auld wan?

---

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

entropi

This is supposed to be the humour section guys, liven up a bit ffs.

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[::::::> Rest In Pieces

[This message has been edited by Death Sentence (edited 28-06-2001).]

WhiteWashMan

lol

Shiminay

OMFG that Elephant one deserves it:

<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2"> ROFL - Good 'un mate
©®™ Kharn/Dav 2000-2001</font>

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All the best!
Dav

So Bob Hoskins was about to roll a spliff when in walks Dana with her 3 foot Bong
[honey i] violated [the kids]
Tribes 2 Goodness
The Dawn of the Beefy King approaches...

[This message has been edited by Kharn (edited 29-06-2001).]

TheWolf

the beer one and the 3 blokes in a hotel were féckin class, and rest were good aswell. well done DS

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arrrrRRROOOOOOOOOOoooo...

richindub2

<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by Kharn:
ROFL - Good 'un mate
©®™ Kharn/Dav 2000-2001 </font>

Id say on the humour board "ROFL - Good 'un mate" is public property

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*cough*
daves l33t site 0wns j00.

[This message has been edited by richindub2 (edited 29-06-2001).]

entropi

A bloke walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads: Cheese Sandwich $1.50, Chicken Sandwich $2.50, Hand Job $10.00. Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men. "Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?" "I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?" "Yes", she purrs, "indeed I am" The man replies "Well wash your ****ing hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

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[::::::> Rest In Pieces

entropi

Three men go on holiday abroad together. The tourist office informs them that there is only one hotel in town with vacancies. The lads go along there, only to be told by reception that there is just one available room left in the hotel. They are not keen, but as it is their only option, they take the room for one evening and share its only bed.
That night, they all enjoy a good night's sleep. In the morning, the guy on the right side of the bed says,
"I dreamt I had the best wa*k last night."
The guy on the left side says,
"That's funny, I had the exact same dream!".
The guy in the middle says, "I dreamt I was skiing."

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[::::::> Rest In Pieces

[This message has been edited by Death Sentence (edited 29-06-2001).]

entropi

The last 10 things any woman would ever say:
1. Could our relationship be more physical?....I'm tired of being just friends.
2. Go ahead and leave the seat up...it's easier for me to clean that way.
3. I think hairy arses are really sexy.
4. Hey, get a whiff of that one.
5. Please don’t throw that old T-shirt away, the holes under the armpits are just too cute.
6. This diamond is way too big.
7. I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
8. Wow! It really is 14 inches.
9. Does this make my bum look small?
10. I'm wrong....you must be right again.

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[::::::> Rest In Pieces

entropi

A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost. A man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.
Used to 5-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do, so for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and longed for his old life and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.
One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him and in disbelief, he asked her:
"Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he said. "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many are there? You were lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."
"It's only me, "she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up; nothing did."
He was confused. "Then how did you get the rowboat?"
"Oh, simple, " replied the woman. "I made the rowboat out of materials that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"B-B-But that's impossible," stuttered the man. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the other side of the island there is a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgettable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?"
Sheepishly, he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time.
"Well, let's row over to my place, then," she said. After a few minutes of rowing she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked to the shore he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walked into the house, she said casually,
"It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please; would you like a drink?"
"No, no thank you," he said, still dazed. "I can't take any more coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk.
After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced,
"I'm going to slip into something comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."
No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened onto it's end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," mused. "What next?"
When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines - strategically positioned - and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me, " she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months. You know..." She stared into his eyes.
He couldn't believe what he was hearing. "You mean--?" he replied...... "You mean huh.....I can check my e-mail from here?"

---

[::::::> Rest In Pieces

entropi

A man goes to his doctor's and says, "Doc, I've just been raped by an Elephant!". The stunned doctor replies, "What makes you say that?". "Well," says the man holding his hands about a foot or so apart, "my ARS*HOL* feels this big!".
"Bend over, and let me have a look." asks the doctor.
The guy bends over and sure enough, his ARS*HOL*is about ten inches across.
"But I thought that elephants only had a long, thin penis?" states the doctor.
"Yeah, I know," says the agitated man, "but it fingered me first!".

---

[::::::> Rest In Pieces

[This message has been edited by Death Sentence (edited 30-06-2001).]

entropi

tHX GUYS, I FINALLY GOT A BIT OF RESPECT..

---

"that island has freedom written all over it, sir, that's cuba"

rymus

<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">
2.You think of Guinness as if it is the sixth food group.</font>

Guinness? I wouldnt touch that ****e with a big schtick! Murphy's is de first food group. then uve chips an all de rest. Gwan away wit yer guinness yah dublin prissy boy. Yeh wouldnt last 10 minutes in cark! Gwaaaaayy up de yard

Victor

<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by rymus:
Guinness? I wouldnt touch that ****e with a big schtick! Murphy's is de first food group. then uve chips an all de rest. Gwan away wit yer guinness yah dublin prissy boy. Yeh wouldnt last 10 minutes in cark! Gwaaaaayy up de yard</font>

Briliant

---

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

Hunter-FLUID

<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by Death Sentence:
SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN WICKLOW TOO LONG
1.You're still there.
</font>

Like that one....
And I am form Wicklow and I agree with him...

---

If the Bottom falls out of your world...
Drink ANDREWS...
And the world will fall out of your Bottom...

[This message has been edited by Hunter-FLUID (edited 04-07-2001).]

entropi

2 points for the cork boys,

1. I have been to cork twice and youghal once

2. I wouldn't go there ever again, the boring *hitholes that they are..as bad as Dublin ffs.....maybe i'd go to see us whip your asses in G.A.A....Maybe..

---

"that island has freedom written all over it, sir, that's cuba"

[This message has been edited by Death Sentence (edited 04-07-2001).]

[This message has been edited by Death Sentence (edited 04-07-2001).]

oeNeo

<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by Mr.Applepie:
1.it's Pronounced tawen

</font>

no its not!

say it out loud ffs
its not tawen

entropi

What do you call two cannibals in the 69 position?

Trust.

---

---

"that island has freedom written all over it, sir, that's cuba"

entropi

This bloke rings home from a phone box at the airport.

"Hello son, its your dad here, put your Mam on" he says as a little boy's voice answers the phone.

"Oh, she's in bed with uncle dave, they always go to bed of an afternoon I have to make myself scarce" was the reply.

"Well f**k me! Here I am slogging my guts out on them f**king rigs sending her £500 quid a week and as soon as I'm gone she's in bed with my brother. Here son you go tell her that your dad's coming up the street with his bags and **** and see what she does, ive got a few quid in change I'll give you".

"Alright, back in a mo" says the little boy.

A few minutes later he comes back and says

"Eeh it were f**king funny that dad, I told her what you said and you should have seen uncle Dave! He jumped out of bed and out the window, but it slammed shut and caught his leg and he fell into your cabbages and i hope your not planning on taking them to show this year cos he squashed 'em. He got up and he ran out on to them railway lines and an intercity 125 hit 'im and spread him all over next doors garden"

"What did your Mam say?" the bloke asked.

"Well she flew out the door, down the stairs, I've never seen a hairy fanny before dad, in to the back yard and she slipped on me skateboard and hit her head on a brick and landed in the swimming pool......and shes face down.....shes not moving...I think I've killed her"

"Hang on....." says the man, "Swimming pool?? is this Dublin 01-6439972 ?

---

"that island has freedom written all over it, sir, that's cuba"

entropi

The last 10 things any man would ever say:
1. I think Barry Manilow is one cool mother****er.
2. While I'm up, can I get you a beer?
3. I think hairy arses are really sexy.
4. Her tits are just too big.
5. Sometimes....I just want to be held.
6. That chick on "Murder she wrote" really gave me the horn
7. Sure!......I'd love to wear a condom.
8. We haven't been shopping for ages.....let's go and I'll hold your handbag.
9. **** Monday night football........lets watch that "Heartbeat" video.
10. I think we're lost....we had better pull over and ask for some directions.

---

"that island has freedom written all over it, sir, that's cuba"