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I'll put a few funny things here, enjoy !!!

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    #32
    entropi
    Registered Users Posts: 21,730 ✭✭✭✭entropi


    An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman all walk into a bar, the barman shouts:
    "What the **** is this? Some kind of a joke?"
    "that island has freedom written all over it, sir, that's cuba"


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    #33
    entropi
    Registered Users Posts: 21,730 ✭✭✭✭entropi


    Six reasons to prove that computers are female:
    6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.
    5. No one but the creator understands the internal logic.
    4. Even the smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
    3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else
    2. The message "bad command or file name" is about as informative as "if you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
    And the number one reason is: As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay cheque on accessories for it.


    "that island has freedom written all over it, sir, that's cuba"


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    #34
    entropi
    Registered Users Posts: 21,730 ✭✭✭✭entropi


    There are several men in the locker room of a private club after
    exercising.
    Suddenly a mobile phone that was on one of the benches rings.
    A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:
    * "Hello?"
    * "Honey, It's me. Are you at the club?"
    * "Yes."
    * "Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful
    mink coat... It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?" "What's the price?"
    * "Only $1,500.00"
    * "Well, OK, go ahead and get, if you like it that much..."
    * "Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001
    models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me
    a
    really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought
    last year..."
    * "What price did he quote you?"
    * "Only $60,000..."
    * "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
    * "Great!, before we hang up, something else..."
    * "What?"
    * "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account
    and...I
    stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had
    looked at last year ... it's on sale!!
    Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area,
    beachfront
    property..."
    * "How much are they asking?"
    * "Only $450,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much
    in
    the bank to cover..."
    * "Well, than go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"
    "OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
    * "Bye... I do too..."
    The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises his hand while holding
    the phone and asks to all those present:
    * "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

    "that island has freedom written all over it, sir, that's cuba"


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    #35
    entropi
    Registered Users Posts: 21,730 ✭✭✭✭entropi


    The wonders of drink !!!

    A big woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walked into
    a bar. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy
    armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the
    bar and asked, "What man out there will buy a lady a
    drink?" The bar went silent as the patrons tried to
    ignore her. At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk
    slammed his hand on the bar and said, "Give the
    ballerina a drink!"

    The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it
    down. She turned again to the patrons and pointed around
    at all of them, revealing her hairy armpit, and asked,
    "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?" Once again,
    the little drunk slapped his hand down on the bar and
    said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

    The bartender approached the little drunk and asked,
    "Say, it's your business of course if you want to buy
    the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?
    The drunk replied, "Sir!. To me, any woman who can lift
    her leg that high must be a ballerina ..


    "that island has freedom written all over it, sir, that's cuba"


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    #36
    Puck
    Registered Users Posts: 1,783 ✭✭✭Puck


    Excellent! LOL!! biggrin.gifbiggrin.gifbiggrin.gif
    John (yes THE John!)
    "Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government."


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    #37
    entropi
    Registered Users Posts: 21,730 ✭✭✭✭entropi


    I got a few more for all of you...as good as the rest. cool.gif
    "that island has freedom written all over it, sir, that's cuba"


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    #38
    TheWolf
    Registered Users Posts: 801 ✭✭✭TheWolf


    lol, well done DS. LMAO at the ballerina on!
    yeah, i'm the ****ing energizer bunny...


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    #39
    Victor
    Registered Users Posts: 78,371 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    <font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by Death Sentence:
    Rules that Men wished Women knew:

    2. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up put it down.     </font>

    Yeah, better up than wet tongue.gif

    Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

    [This message has been edited by Victor (edited 11-07-2001).]


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    #40
    entropi
    Registered Users Posts: 21,730 ✭✭✭✭entropi


    Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.) ...one for the office.

    In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained, through our program of Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.).

    We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our manager is especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

    Employees who do not take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in Departmental Employee Evaluation Programs (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to Employee Attitude Training (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.).

    Since your manager took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they do not have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, because they are full of S.H.I.T. already.

    If you are full of S.H.I.T., You may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our Basic Understanding Lecture List (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. Will get S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to Director of Intensity Programming (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.).

    If you have any questions, direct them to our Head Of Training Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).





    "that island has freedom written all over it, sir, that's cuba"


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    #41
    entropi
    Registered Users Posts: 21,730 ✭✭✭✭entropi


    Rules that Men wished Women knew:



    1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
    2. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up put it down.
    3. Nothing says "I love you" like a good rub out.
    4. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
    5. Saturday = Sports.
    6. Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
    7. Crying is blackmail.
    8. Yes, slashing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
    9. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
    10. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
    11. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
    12. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.


    25 reasons why drinking in work would be acceptable:

    1. It's an incentive to show up.
    2. It reduces stress.
    3. It leads to more honest communications.
    4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
    5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
    6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
    7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
    8. It encourages carpooling.
    9. Increased job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
    10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
    11. It makes fellow employees look better.
    12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
    13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
    14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
    15. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.
    16. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.
    17. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
    18. Everyone agrees they work better after they've had a couple of drinks.
    19. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
    20. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked - SCARY!!!!
    21. It promotes foreign relations with the Soviet Union.
    22. The janitor's closet will finally have a use.
    23. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
    24. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross."
    25. Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common.



    "that island has freedom written all over it, sir, that's cuba"


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