LOAD of jokes...

TheWolf · 07-07-2001 12:08am #1

Haven't posted jokes in a while, so im doing one big load to get it out of my system,...

Crotchless Panties

A frustrated wife decided her sex life needed spicing up. After work, she went shopping and picked up a pair of crotchless panties. She went home and donned the new garment and selected a short skirt to go with it. She greeted her husband when he came home from work and sat across from him as they had a drink. She slowly spread her legs... "Honey would you like some of this?"
"Hell no, look what it's done to your underwear!"

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Dividing souls

On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the Cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,” said one boy. Several were dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.”
He just knew what it was. “Oh my,” he shuddered, it’s Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
“Come here quick,” said the boy, “you won’t believe what I heard. Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.”
The man said, “Beat it kid, can’t you see it’s hard for me to walk. “When the boy insisted, though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.” The old man whispered, “Boy, you’ve been tellin’ the truth. Let’s see if we can see the devil himself.”
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan.
At last they heard, “One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That’s all. Now let’s go get those nuts by the fence, and we’ll be done.”
They say the old guy made it back to town five minutes before the boy.

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Hair Pin

A man goes up to the minister at the local church. “Reverend,” he said, we have a problem. My wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It’s very embarrassing, not to mention disrespectful. What should I do?”
“I’ve noticed this and have an idea if you’re up to the task,” said the minister. “Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mrs. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give her a good poke in the leg.”
In church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. “And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?” he said, nodding to Mr. Jones.
“Jesus!” Mrs. Jones cried out as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the sharp object.
“Yes! You are correct, Mrs. Jones!” came the minister’s quick reply.
Soon, Mrs. Jones nodded off again. And again, the minister noticed. Who is your redeemer?” he asked the congregation, motioning toward Mr. Jones.
“My God!” howled Mrs. Jones as she was stuck again with the pin.
“Right again!” bellowed the minister, a slight grin on his face.
Before long, Mrs. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few hand gestures that Mr. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet his wife with the hatpin yet again.
The minister asked, “And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?”
As Mr. Jones enthusiastically poked his wife’s thigh with the hatpin piercing her skin she screamed, “You stick that freaking thing in me one more time and I’ll break it in half and shove it up your ass!”
“Amen!” replied all the women in the congregation.

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Genital Infection

Q: Do you know why God allows women to get genital infections?
A: So they know what its like living with an irritating cúnt.

(feel free to switch genders/genitals, dont want to in trouble over this...

)

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Sperm Count

A man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."
The next day, the guy reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, "Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."
The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOUR?"
The man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the damn jar open!"

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Satan

A few minutes before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." ! said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope."
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

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Mixed up

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy.
"She's incredibly mixed up," said one doctor. "She does everything absolutely backwards. Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He almost died on us!"
The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tries to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!"
Suddenly, they hear a bloodcurdling scream from down the hall.
"Oh my God!" said the first doctor. "I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to príck Mr. Smith's boil!"

"Only two things are infinite,
the universe and stupidity, and
I'm not sure about the former."

Albert Einstein

"Never argue with idiots. They just drag you down to their level, where they have all the experience"

TheWolf

[This message has been edited by TheWolf (edited 07-07-2001).]