mmmmm...... Alchohol jokes, *drool*

TheWolf

Gone with the Wind

This guy enters a bar located at the top of the Empire State Building in New York. It looked like a nice place and he then takes a seat at the bar next to another guy. "This is a nice place, I've never been here before," the first guy says.

"Oh really?" the other replies, "it's also a very special bar."

"Why is that?", the first guy asks.

"Well, you see that painting on the far wall? That's an original Van Gogh, and this stool I'm sitting on was on the Titanic."

"Gee, that's amazing!", the first guy says.

"Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out, you'll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and you're pushed back up."

"No way, that's impossible", the first guy replies.

"Not at all, take a look," the other man replies and walks over to the window, followed closely by the first man. He opens the window, climbs over the sill and falls out. He drops 10...20...30...40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the window.


"See, it's fun. You should try it", he says.

"Try it? I don't even believe I saw it!" the first man shouts.

"It's easy. Watch, I'll do it again." And with that, he falls out the window, again. He drops 10...20...30...40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh!...he comes right back up and sails back through the window.

"Go ahead, give it a try, it's a blast!", he says.

"Well, what the heck, OK...I'll give it a try," the first man says and proceeds to fall out the window. He falls 10...20...30...40...50...100...200...300...500...1000 feet and SPLAT!!!!...ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk below.

After calmly watching the first man fall to his death, the other guy casually closes the window and heads back to the bar and orders another drink. The bartender arrives with the drink and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk!"

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Vodka

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want."

The Russian begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking vodka." Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me **** vodka."

The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and ****es in it. He looks in the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka he has ever tasted.

The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!"

She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and ****es into it. He tells her to drink, it is vodka.

Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.

The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to **** in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.

Finally Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and tells his wife, "Natasha grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka."

His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table. The Russian begins to **** in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks him, "But Boris, why do we need only one glass?"

Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle."


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Checking the Girlfriend

This bloke had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the drunk's buddy, Pete, and his girlfriend going at it in the back-seat. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend.

The drunk staggered outside to the car, saw Pete and his girlfriend entwined, then walked back into the bar laughing. "What's so funny?" the bartender asked.

"That damned Pete!" the drunk chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"

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The Best Lay In Town

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points to the guy in the middle, shouting,
"Your mom's the best lay in town!"

Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, and the drunk wanders off and up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says "I just screwed your mom and it was sw-e-et!" Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk wanders off.

Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom even let me"
Finally the guy interrupts, "Go home, Dad; you're drunk!"

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Water Into Beer

Two guys were stranded in a boat in the middle of the ocean.

On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object floating toward them in the water.

As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an oil lamp (the kind the genies come in). They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it. "POOF" out popped a tired old genie who said,

"OK, so you freed me from this stupid lamp, you guys get only ONE wish and then I'm OUTTA here. Make it a good one".

The first guy, without hesitation or thought blurted out, "Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!!!"

"Fine," said the genie, and he instantly turned the entire ocean into beer.

"Great move Einstein!" said the second guy, slapping the first guy in the head. "NOW we're gonna have to pee in the BOAT!"


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The Tests

A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a very large jar
behind the bar. It's filled to the brim with ten dollar bills. The man
guesses there must be thousands of dollars there.. He approaches the
bartender and asks him: "What's up with the jar?"

Bartender: "Well, you pay ten dollars and if you pass three tests
then you get all of the money."

Man: "What are the three tests?"

Bartender: "Pay first. Those are the rules."
So the guy gives him the ten bucks and the bartender adds it to the
jar with the other bills..

Bartender: "Ok, here's what you have to do. First you have to drink
that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once AND, you
can't make a face while doing it.

Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth...you
have to remove it with your bare hands.

Third, there's a 90 year old woman up-stairs who's never had an
orgasm in her life. You got ta make things right for her."

Man: "Well, I know I've paid my ten bucks but I'm not an idiot, I
won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila
and then get crazier from here.

Bartender: "You're call. But your money stays in the jar."

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat
teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands, and downs
it with a big slurp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks but he does
not make a face..

Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear a huge
scuffle going on. They hear barking, screams, yelps and growling, and
eventually silence..

Just when they think the man must surely be dead, he staggers back into
the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body..

"Now," he says, "where's that woman with the sore tooth?"


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Driving

Two drunks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer. All of a sudden the driver notices lights flashing in his mirror; the cops are on his tail.

His buddy says, "What are we going to do?" The driver says, "Don't worry. Just do exactly what I tell you and everything will work out perfectly.

First, peel the labels off our beer bottles and we'll each stick one on our forehead. Then shove the bottles underneath the seat, and let me do the talking."

They pull over and the cop walks up to the car. He looks at them kind of funny, but asks to see the guy's driver's license. And he asks him, "Have you been drinking?"

"Oh, no, sir," the driver replies.

"I noticed you weaving back and forth across the highway. Are you *sure* you haven't been drinking?" the cop asks.

"Oh, no, sir," the drunk answers. "We haven't had a thing to drink tonight."

"Well, I've got to ask you," says the cop, "What on earth are those things on your forehead?"

"That's easy, Officer," says the drunk. "You see, we're both alcoholics, and we're on the Patch!"

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A drunk staggers out of a bar and sees a nun walking by. He immediately tears into her. He punches her in the face and kicks her to the ground until she is left there groaning in a pathetic bloody heap. As he turns to walk away, he looks back at her and says "Not so tough now, are we ... batman!"

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"Some would say the refridgerator is half full, some would say half empty, I simply say WHO ATE MY PIZZA!!!"

Lump

OMFG, Great...... Especially the last one. Lovely.

John

red_ice

lol thats classic
pld wolfeh!

Red.