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PEARL HARBOR: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT

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  • 26-07-2001 12:07am
    #1
    dannyd20
    Registered Users Posts: 345 ✭✭


    PEARL HARBOR: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT

    By Rod Hilton

    INT. FILM STUDIO

    DIRECTOR MICHAEL BAY and PRODUCER JERRY BRUCKHEIMER
    are

    collaborating on their latest effort, "The
    Explosion",

    and begin talking.

    DIRECTOR MICHAEL BAY

    Hey Jerry, you know how I like blowing

    stuff up?Well I was thinking, we should

    make a really patriotic movie like

    Armageddon, but at Pearl Harbor.We can

    blow up a lot of stuff.

    PRODUCER JERRY BRUCKHEIMER

    Sounds like a good idea to me, Mike, but

    how will we ever make a whole movie out

    of a single bombing?

    DIRECTOR MICHAEL BAY

    Hmm. Oh, we could add a completely

    extraneous and overdramatic love story!

    And I bet we could even make this

    monstrosity over three hours long!

    PRODUCER JERRY BRUCKHEIMER

    Brilliant!It'll cost more than the war

    itself! Ha ha ha!

    DIRECTOR MICHAEL BAY

    Mwa Ha ha ha ha!

    INT. MILITARY TRAINING

    BEN AFFLECK and JOSH HARTNETT are reading CLASSIC

    AMERICAN LITERATURE.

    BEN AFFLECK

    I sure am enjoying my life as an

    American.America is great and full of

    great things, such as Americans.

    JOSH HARTNETT

    Da.

    BEN AFFLECK

    I am in love with Kate Beckinsale.

    JOSH HARTNETT

    She pretty.

    BEN AFFLECK

    Unfortunately, I am also in love with my

    country. I must go fight with the

    British.Goodbye Josh. Goodbye Kate.

    Kate, I won't have sex with you, because

    that will make all the women in the

    audience want me even more. Later.

    BEN AFFLECK DIES.

    JOSH HARTNETT

    Now chance! Kate mine!

    KATE BECKINSALE

    I don't think I should get together with

    you.

    KATE'S FRIENDS

    Then let us provide much dialogue to

    justify it. This way, you won't be hated.

    You should move on.

    KATE BECKINSALE

    That's true. After all, Ben is dead.

    KATE'S FRIENDS

    Oh, I doubt that.But he is..well, such

    a weenie. Have you noticed he cries in

    almost every movie he does? You can do

    better.

    They notice JOSH HARTNETT picking bugs out of his
    hair

    and eating them.

    KATE'S FRIENDS

    Well, you can at least do differently.

    JOSH'S FRIENDS

    Let's also provide justification so you

    won't be hated.It'll make your death

    more dramatic.

    JOSH HARTNETT

    Josh death?

    KATE BECKINSALE

    Quiet. I love you.

    JOSH HARTNETT

    Me laid!

    INT. EVIL JAPANESE BASE OF EVIL

    The JAPANESE MILITARY is planning something...EVIL.

    JAPANESE LEADER

    We must attack the Americans when they

    are sleeping and defenseless. Let's kick

    them in their collective balls and then

    pull their hair.

    GUY FROM MORTAL KOMBAT

    Hey!I don't believe it! A war movie

    where we're the enemies and we aren't

    faceless villians! Look at this! We have

    scenes, lines, faces!This is great! We

    have personalities!

    JAPANESE LEADER

    Yeah, personalities of pure evil.

    GUY FROM MORTAL KOMBAT

    Hmm. Good point. Let's express one line

    of regret.I wish we didn't have to kill

    as many people as possible in a horribly

    dastardly way.

    JAPANESE LEADER

    Good work.




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