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Affairs

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  • 30-07-2001 9:56pm
    #1
    TheWolf
    Registered Users Posts: 801 ✭✭✭


    The First Affair

    There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful
    teen-aged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son
    they always wanted.

    After months of trying, the Wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine
    months later delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father
    rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was
    horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen.

    He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could
    be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I
    fathered." Then he gave her a stern look and asked,
    "Have you been fooling around on me?" The wife just smiled sweetly
    and said,
    "Not this time."


    The Second Affair

    A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to
    examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or
    cremated.

    As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he
    made an amazing discovery: Schwartz had the longest penis he had ever
    seen!

    "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send you
    off to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be
    saved for posterity." And with that the coroner used his tools to remove
    the
    dead man's schlong. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and
    took
    it home.

    The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you
    that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase. "Oh my god!"
    she
    screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"

    The Third Affair

    A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening
    the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly
    rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted Him with talcum
    powder.

    "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're
    a statue."

    "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the
    room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths
    bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
    No
    more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went
    to
    sleep.

    Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to
    the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of
    milk.

    "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot
    at the Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of
    water."

    The Fourth Affair

    A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a
    beer "Certainly, sir that'll be 1p." "ONE-P !!!" exclaimed the
    guy; the barman replied "Yes." So the guy glances over at the menu,
    and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-Bone steak, with chips,
    peas, and a fried egg?" "Certainly sir,"replies the bartender, but all
    that
    comes to real money." "How much money?" inquires the guy. "4p", he
    replies.

    "FOUR PENCE!!!!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the Guy who owns
    this place?"

    The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife." The guy says,

    "What's he doing with your wife?"

    The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."

    "A man works hard to keep the wolf from the door. Then his daughter grows up and brings one home..."

    [This message has been edited by TheWolf (edited 30-07-2001).]


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