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Ready for kids?

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  • 01-08-2001 3:24pm
    #1
    Shagus
    Closed Accounts Posts: 234 ✭✭


    HOW TO KNOW WHETHER OR NOT YOU ARE READY TO HAVE KIDS:

    MESS TEST
    Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick
    behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

    TOY TEST
    Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing
    tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a
    blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream
    because this would wake a child at night.

    GROCERY STORE TEST
    Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them
    with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for
    anything they eat or damage.

    DRESSING TEST
    Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net
    bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.

    FEEDING TEST
    Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend
    from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to
    insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while
    pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug
    on the floor.

    NIGHT TEST
    Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12
    pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00p.m. begin
    to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00p.m. Lay down your bag
    and set your alarm for 10:00p.m. Get up, pick up your bag, and
    sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more
    and sing these too until 4:00a.m. Set alarm for 5:00a.m. Get up
    and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

    INGENUITY TEST
    Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint,
    turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn
    it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and
    a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and
    an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel
    Tower.

    AUTOMOBILE TEST
    Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream
    cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a
    dime. Stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size
    package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat.
    Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There, perfect.

    PHYSICAL TEST (Women)
    Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your
    clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the
    beans. And try not to notice your closet full of clothes. You
    won't be wearing them for a while.

    PHYSICAL TEST (Men)
    Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask
    the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store.
    Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be
    directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home
    and read it quietly for the last time.

    FINAL ASSIGNMENT
    Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how
    they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet
    training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can
    improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their
    children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last
    time you will have all the answers.



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