har-di-har-har

Qualm

What to do on a wedding night

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A couple gets married. They are real country bumkins, and on their wedding night they don't know what to do.

The man says to the woman, "Do you know what we are supposed to do tonight?"

"No," she says, "do you?"

"No, I don't," says the man.

They sit there thinking until the husband says, "wait a minute, down in the shipyard there are a bunch of sailors. Sailors are supposed to know about these kinds of things. I bet we could get one of them to help us out!"

So he goes down to the dock and walks up to a sailor. "Excuse me," he says, "but my wife and I just got married today and we don't know what to do. Can you help us out?"

"Sure," says the sailor. "I have a little free time. I'll be glad to do what I can"

So the two men go to the hotel room where the wife is waiting. The sailor takes one look at the beatifull wife and immediately says to the husband, "here is what you should do." He then takes out a piece of chalk, and on the floor he draws a circle. He says to the groom, "Now you stand inside the circle and watch what I do, though, don't set foot outside the circle."

"Okay," says the man.

So the sailor goes over to the bed and makes love to the wife. When he's finished, he looks over at the husband standing inside the circle. The man is standing there giggling.

"What are you giggling about?" says the sailor.

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The husband says, "I stepped out of the circle twice, and you didn't even notice."Two nuns were in back of the convent smoking cigarettes, when one said,
"It's bad enough that we have to sneak out here to smoke,but it really is a problem getting rid of the cigarette butts so that Mother Superior doesn't find them."
The second nun said,
"I've found a marvelous invention called the condom, which works really well for this problem.You just open the packet up, take out the condom, and put the cigarette butt in, roll it up, and dispose of it all later!"
The first nun was quite impressed and asked where she could find them.
"You get them at the drug store, sister. Just go and ask the pharmacist for them." The next day the good sister went to the drug store and walked up to the counter.
"Good morning sister" said the pharmacist, "What can I do for you today?"
"I'd like some condoms please" said the nun. The pharmacist was a little taken aback, but recovered soon enough and asked, "How many boxes would you like - there are 12 to a box."
"I'll take six boxes that should last about a week" said the nun.
The pharmacist was truly flabbergasted by this time, and was almost afraid to ask any more questions, but his professionalism prevailed and he asked in a clear voice,
"Sister, what size condoms would you like - we have large, extra large, and big liar size.
The sister thought for a minute, and finally said:
"I'm not certain, perhaps you could recommend a good size for a Camel?"
The pharmacist fainted.

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A man and his wife have been stranded on a deserted island for many years.

One day another man washes up on shore. He and the wife are very attracted to each other right away, but realize certain protocols must be observed.

The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there. "Now we will be able to have three people doing eight hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts," he says.

The new man is happy to help, in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tower and is soon standing watch. Meanwhile, the husband and wife start placing stones in a circle to make a fire to cook supper.

The second man yells down, "Hey, no ****ing!"

They yell back, "We're not ****ing!"

A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle.
Again the second man yells down, "Hey, no ****ing!" Again they yell back, "We're not ****ing!"

Finally the shift is over so the second man climbs down from the tower and the husband starts to climb up. He's not even halfway up before the wife and second man are screwing each other's brains out.

The husband looks out from the tower and says, "Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're ****ing

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Qualms, I dont gots any