Why can't my daddy live here?

Ba_barbaraAnne

What do you do when a kid gets old enough to ask that question?

My older boys knew that it was essential as my husband was violent towards me, but my little 'bonus baby' who is 7, is the offspring of a friend.

His dad decided to move to a town 20 miles away to be near his job last year, but stubbornly refuses to get a car so that he can commute from his own place down the road from us. His excuse for this is that if he gets his driving licence his boss will get him to do deliveries as well as manage a warehouse. He would also have to watch his drinking if he had a licence to loose. Then I get the moan that taxis over and back are too expensive. Never mind that when he started the job he used to hitch all the time. He even rents a place in a house where he is not allowed to have his son stay with him!

There is an open invitation for him to come and visit his son whenever he likes, but usually he comes here from the pub friday or saturday night, sees the kid in the morning and then heads off to town to meet up with his mates. If I push him, he takes the lad with him, but seldom does more than bring him to the pub (where the little fellow has lots of fun and gets filled with rubbish) or round the shops, where he buys his son whatever he wants, e.g. a couple of PS2 games, dvds, etc.

My little one has now realised that this is not what he wants from his father. I've had a lot of tears since the weekend as he would like to spend more quality time with the dad he adores. His father is getting his own house refurbished, but plans to rent it out rather then live back in the village.

I can't tell the child the truth - that his father doesn't spend time with him because he doesn't want to give up his free-and-easy bachelor lifestyle. That he is the kind of person that never puts himself out for anyone (which is why we aren't a couple), not even his son. That I was stupid enough to get myself pregnant by an inappropriate mate (who was very good to me when first on my own, but showed another side to his nature once I was tied down by his child.)

I've done everything possible to encourage the father to be a real parent. I've tried having him live with us (didn't work), driven all over the place to get the two of them together, invited him (unsuccessfully) to go on outings with us, but as the boy gets older, it is only getting worse.

Part of me wants to cut all ties and leave it to his dad to make the running, but my older boys go to their father's nearly every weekend and the little one sees this and wants at least the same amount of time with his dad. Parents splitting up is one thing - but children have the right to both parents, no matter what the adults think of each other.

If I have a flaming row with the immature !*?!, he just storms off for a couple of weeks and I'm left with a distraught child and he stops giving me financial assistance. When I make things easy for him, the kid still sees very little of his dad. I've spoken to the father on the phone about this, but from previous experience with him, know that not a lot will change.

What do I do?

Shabadu

You poor thing- I can only imagine how heartbreaking it must be for you and your youngest son.

The first thing you need to do is get regular maintenence from the dad. It is your right and you should insist on it. If you speak to the department of family welfare they'll do a lot of the donkey work chasing him for you.

Don't blame yourself for his actions- there's nothing you can do to force, co-erce or convince him to be a good dad, that can only come from him. You're right, you should stop chasing him. If he's only spending time with your son because you've bent over backwards it's not really worth it.

When your other kids go to see their dad make a big deal out of the fact you're going to have a really special fun time with your youngest. Don't even give him the opportunity to feel rejected or that he's getting the bum deal, make him feel lucky he's getting you all to himself. Sons always want to be their mum's favourite anyway! He'd love the chance to have really special time with you, you're the most important thing in the world to him, not his dad.

What I'd try to do is explain to your son that everyone makes mistakes and that his dads sporadic and sh!tty attitudes have absolutely nothing to do with him, and are just a big mistake that his dad is making.

Best of luck.

sabriel

Jr.Shabadu wrote:

What I'd try to do is explain to your son that everyone makes mistakes and that his dads sporadic and sh!tty attitudes have absolutely nothing to do with him, and are just a big mistake that his dad is making.

Id totaly agee with that .My mother split up with my father before I was born . Although living in the same town he never attempted to visit me or pay maintenance.She was always honest wth me and all I am is thankful to her for not putting me through the stress of forcing visits from someone who didnt care . I was better off without him.Also you should definatly claim maintenace its yours and your sons right.

iguana

Don't know much about your situation but are your sons paternal grandparents (or aunts/uncles) anywhere near you? If so maybe they would like to spend time with your son. You could arrange this for when your other sons are with their father, that way your son would still have contact with his dad's family. It wouldn't quite make up for not having his father around but at least he would feel wanted by them.

This might also make your son's father cop on a bit and make more of an effort.

MissyKiki

You are doing the right thing by inviting him to take the boy. It's hard now, but eventually your son will see how his dad is and he won't be able to say it was you who kept them apart. It is sad, but my son doesn't like his mum and dad not living together either. Stay strong

unkel

@Ba_barbaraAnn - from your post here and other posts from you that I've read, I feel you are a great mom and you are doing extremely well bringing your kids up on your own. Looks to me that they are better off without too much contact with the tossers their dads are

Totally agree with Shabadu - make your time with your youngest special!

Ba_barbaraAnne

I haven't been on the boards for a while so thanks everyone for the advice and support.

Am getting a small amount of money off the ex every week on a voluntary basis, but will be making it legal as soon as possible. (Have to go after the ex-husband first as he has just started working and hasn't paid a penny for his two kids in over eight years by staying on the dole).

I've given up helping the little lad's dad see him. He has to make an effort, so he only sees him once a week - and then only if I haven't gone to Dublin for the weekend. Tried letting him mind the child while I was away last month, but as the poor kid spent half the time in the pub, or being left with a babysitter while his dad got tanked up, this won't happen again. His dad told him he was 'going to work late'! When a man gets to lying to his own son about his drinking it's time to drop the connection!

Unfortunately, the father was adopted, and then orphaned when he was a teenager (explains a lot), so there is no close extended family on his dad's side. About a third of the village are cousins, and we are great friends with some of these and visit most weeks.

I guess we'll just have to carry on as we have been doing, and try to keep contact with dad to a sober minimum. We have lots of fun without him anyway, and summer down here means lots of festivals and events at weekends to go to.

Only one cloud on the horizon - there's a singles weekend coming up on one of the islands - who minds the boy so I can get to it? :-D