The 'Mother-in-Law'

pompeystato · 11-03-2005 12:21am #1

I saw six men kicking and punching my mother-in-law the other day. My neighbour said: "Are you going to help?" I replied: "Naa, six should be enough."

I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law in three years. I don't like to interupt.

What is the difference between outlaws and in-laws?? Outlaws are wanted.

My mother-in-law and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met each other.

I'm not saying my mother-in-law's a bad cook. She just uses the smoke alarm as a timer.

What are the two worst things about your mother-in-law? Her faces.

I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

I bought my mother-in-law a chair for Christmas. But unfortunately she refused to plug it in.

Mother-in-law: "One day I will dance on your grave."
Son-in-law: "I hope so - I'm going to be buried at sea."

Why would you rather deal with a pitbull than a mother-in-law? A pitbull eventually lets go.

Lawyer: "Your mother-in-law has passed away. Do you want a buried, embalming or cremation?"
Client: "Best take no chances - order all three."

Why do they bury mothers-in-law 18 feet under the ground when everyone else is buried at 6 feet? Because deep down they really are very nice people.

I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussauds' Chamber of Horrors. One of the attendants said: "Better keep her moving Sir, we're stocktaking."

How do you stop your mother-in-law from drowning? Take your foot off her head.

What is the definition of mixed emotions? Seeing your mother-in-law drive over the cliff in your new car.

Last night the local Peeping Tom knocked on my mother-in-law's door and asked her to keep her blinds shut.

A pharmacist tells a desperate customer: "Sorry, but if you want to buy ansenic you need a legal prescription - a picture of your mother-in-law just isn't enough.

What do mothers-in-law drive? A broom.

Strange but true - "Mother-in-law" is an anagram of "woman Hitler".

Honolulu? Well it's got everything: Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

What is the definition of mother-in-law? A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of her's.

Two cannibals have just finished a big meal. One turns to the other while rubbing his stomach and says: "You know, I just ate my mother-in-law and she still doesn't agree with me."

Have you heard the one about the bloke who throws his mother-in-law into the crocodile pit at the zoo? He's now being sued by the RSPCA for cruelty to animals.

Q: What should you do if you see your mother-in-law rolling round in pain on the ground? A: Shoot her again.

My mother-in-law's the worst cook I've ever known. There's nothing to choose between her Cottage Pie and her Toad-in-the-Hole. One has a thatched roof and the other has a hole so big the toad keeps falling through.

What's the penalty for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law!!

My mother-in-law was bitten by a snake. The surgeons battled for 8 hours but sadly the snake died.

Pugsley · 11-03-2005 2:42pm

Class selection there

banquo · 12-03-2005 1:13pm

agreed !

shelsfan · 12-03-2005 8:06pm

pompeystato wrote:

I bought my mother-in-law a chair for Christmas. But unfortunately she refused to plug it in.

Evil,eeeeevil.... no, its actually great!

pompeystato · 12-03-2005 10:40pm

Footnote to 'Mother-in-Law'

Scots Can Now Marry Mothers-In-Law?

EDINBURGH, Scotland -- Scottish men can now marry their ex-mothers-in-law following legal changes by the Scottish Executive.

Scottish women are also free to marry their former fathers-in-law as a result of the changes, reports the Herald newspaper.

The family law reforms change laws dating back to 1567, based on the Old Testament, which said that if a man takes a wife and lies with her mother, all three should be burned alive.

The new law draws a new distinction between the continuing ban on marrying a blood relative, and the centuries-old ban on marrying those related "by affinity". It was previously possible to marry a parent-in-law, but only after the death of both former spouses.

The Scots Law Commission recommended the change saying it made no sense and it was unreasonable to retain the old law.

When the English and the Scots fought each other they used to put all the Mother's-in-Laws in the front rows, because they were the BIGGEST battle-axe's anyone could find.