Bad News For Tool Fans

Doctor J

The following scripture, dated March 31st and titled Remember, Don't Kill The Messenger, can be found in the news section of the official TOOL website:

"You know the old saying, 'no news is good news', well… that was the case as far as the recording process was going for the new Tool CD, but now things may have changed a bit.

Yesterday, when I went to the studio to give Maynard [James Keenan, vocalist] a bottle of wine (a 1992 Maya) for winning the bet that I had with him involving his new film, Sleeping Dogs Lie (I lost by default, not being able to attend the Sedona screening), not only wasn’t Maynard there, but, in what seems to be a case of enantiodromia (something becoming its opposite) if ever there was one (!), I was told the reason why he wasn’t there.

I wish this post was dated April 1, but, unfortunately, it isn’t. Like a doctor giving a patient a straight, honest answer to a medical diagnosis, without sugar-coating the truth, here’s exactly what I was told: 'Maynard has found Jesus.' This will come as a complete shock to most (but not all) of you, as it did to me. In fact, it just seemed like another MJK prank until I talked to the one person who I believe would know if all this was legit or not.

After nearly an hour on the phone with this person, the answer I received was that Maynard has indeed 'found Jesus' and that, for this reason, he’s abandoned the project for the time being, if not entirely. I don’t know what the f**k is in the water these days, but hopefully a black jelly belly will turn up in that golden bowl… that’s all I can think to say at this point. Before leaving the studio, I watched as Danny [Carey, drummer] made arrangements to go play some golf, while Adam [Jones, guitarist] and Justin [Chancellor, bassist] kept working on a particular song. So, in case you missed it (those who don’t read the whole post), here’s today's news: Maynard has found Jesus…"

mayordenis

Oh **** off . . .
this jesus guy is ruining metal.

mr_angry

I can't believe this is serious. I can't think of anyone more unlikely to 'find Jesus' than Maynard James Keenan! Was he down the back of his couch or something?

Zombienosh

Jesus Christ, why don't you come save my life now.
Open my eyes, blind me with your light now.

:rolleyes:

Mohanned

That sucks

Töpher

Its bullshít. Tool's webmaster likes to think of himself as a bit of a prankster.

Zoton

It's also on toolshed.down.net
It does seem unlikely alright but with musicians/artists you just never know for sure.
Brian 'Head' Welch quit Korn a couple of months ago because of something similar. Dubya must be putting something in the water over there :rolleyes:

Pet

April Fool's anyone? Also, the tool webmaster wrecks my head for some reason. he's like the celeb spotter of prog metal. Somebody smack him.

projectmayhem

it was an april fool's

my god. i thought it was obvious when it appeared the day before april fool's, and then on april fool's day on toolshed...

flogen

besides that, the tool site is notorious for having lies from time to time... you know... for the laugh

Creature

It's an april tools joke...


Sorry couldn't resist.

dregin

mayordenis wrote:

Oh **** off . . .
this jesus guy is ruining metal.

Please tell me you're talking about Korn. ROCK!"!!1



etc.

dead air

I have no idea how to introduce this, so I'll just post it. This is an email Maynard (the real one) sent in moments ago:

"hi, kabir. i thought it only fair to inform you first, before you hear it second or third hand. some recent events have led me to the rediscovery of jesus. tool will need to take the back seat. this may come as a shock. i just thought you should know considering all the support you given us over the years.

all my faith. maynard."

This is an actual email from actual MJK. I was going to type up a post about how the RIAA had sent us a letter shutting down The Tool Page (as this year's annual April Fools' Day joke), but now I just don't think it seems appropriate. More on this as it develops. §

Also, the Opinion forums are down temporarily. They will return as soon as possible. §

That's from toolshed.down.net

Couldn't be anything other than a prank, tbh. : )

AdMMM

Holy **** that still scared the **** out of me.

Tool have been my only ever favourite band and I intend to keep it that way for many years to come.

The Tool webmaster is the most cryptic person I have ever come across and is notorious for his random pranks over the year. However once I saw the post on toolshed I knew it was a prank!

po0k

Lemmy for Pope

crazy angel

jaysus i hope thats not true!!

dabhoys

Just reading up on the toolarmy website, I wouldn't worry it seems to be a load of bollox....

Sir Digby Chicken Caesar

I want to hear a tool album where maynard's all jesus-freakey

projectmayhem

Mordeth wrote:

I want to hear a tool album where maynard's all jesus-freakey

someone said that on the toolshed forums, and it was pointed out that a tool album can't really get more religious and/or spiritual then lateralus...

just read this on BLABBERMOUTH;

TOOL's official web site, ToolBand.com, has been updated with the following message:

"Good news, April Fool's fans. The writing and recording is back under way. When approached for comment on his recent encounter with the Son of God, Maynard said, 'That guy's a punk!'

"As it turns out, Maynard was out 'location scouting' near the Fourth Street bridge in downtown Los Angeles when he 'found Jesus.'

"'Turns out he was here the whole time, and not that difficult to find if you know where to look,' Maynard reported. Apparently Jesus offered him the position of campaign manager for his new line of 'Holier Than Thou' sparkling holy water, which Maynard, of course, accepted. What wasn't obvious was that this guy is a total drunk. It's an occupational hazard. Every time our Lord goes to get a glass of water, it transforms into a generic grocery store Merlot. Because the alcoholic is the Son of God and an all-knowing being, he knew of Maynard's extensive interest in collecting wine. So he went to work trying to get his lips on it. Maynard caught J.C. in his cellar transforming his precious wine collection into urine, then pissing it into the empty 'sparkling holy water' bottles for the eventual sale to all those people who bought, read, and embraced 'The Celestine Prophecy'. Tragic.

"'Truth be told,' Maynard confessed, 'I wasn't feeling top notch when I found him. The evening prior to the day in question I had over-indulged in a series of bad Molotov shrimp cocktails with a side of Makers Mark and twin strippers. So after an entire night of G.I. Blowouts, hot/cold sweats, and blurred vision, it's very possible that the guy I met wasn't even Jesus at all. For all I know, it was Willem Dafoe.'"

CrazyTalk

I really hope it's a prank, cos a I ****ing hate that Webmaster guy. He's a goon, the last time I went on the site he was talking about mangos. :cool:

crimsonfire

[04/06/05] - Fooled! | Forums

Mwaha. Chalk up another success for our annual April Fools' Day gag. Maynard found Jesus. Sure he did. This year's prank actually got a mention over at mtv.com, making it the first April Fools' joke to get written up there since the ol' Bus Crash of 1997. (They have since updated the original article to reflect the fact that they fell for it. Excellent.) Fan responses ranged from disbelief to despondent, which I suppose is good for this sort of thing.

Just saw this on toolshed. Bastards. Nearly pissed myself when i heard that.

cornbb

Anyone know what the ETA on the next Tool album is?

We've been waiting too damn long

projectmayhem

cornbb wrote:

Anyone know what the ETA on the next Tool album is?

We've been waiting too damn long

ETA: Fall 2005. in tool terms, "whenever".

we were promised a DVD though, this year.

while we're on tool... here's what we know: one song is 18 minutes long (mjk had an idea to make it, in its entirity, a single and/or polyphonic ringtone) - it'll be heavier (inspired by the tool tour with fantomas and meshuggah) - there'll be drum machines

I am MAN

Hopefully they never do another recording.

mp3guy

projectmayhem wrote:

there'll be drum machines

you can't be serious

John

mp3guy wrote:

you can't be serious

Why not? They've always used samples and synthesisers. And Danny is a huge industrial fan with a massive collection of vintage equipment. Drum machines do not equal crap. Just most people don't know when/how to use them properly.

dabhoys

Theres already use of drum loops and drum machines used on Tool recordings. Sure danny uses a Roland MC505 to generate all the percussive sounds he triggers on the electric pad on his kits. Theres already a fair bit of experimental stuff in tools sound. I'm really looking forward to there next outing I'm sure it will be interesting and fun

mp3guy wrote:

you can't be serious

projectmayhem

dragging up this owl thread...

toolband.com wrote:

In talking to Adam last night, he told me that he MIGHT be sitting in on the Altamont/Melvins/Biafra extavaganza at The Henry Fonda Theatre; it's just a matter of finding the time as he is currently very busy working on Tool-related projects (art design and video stuff).

if adam's working on art/video stuff is it safe to assume the album is nearing completetion?

Töpher

w00t!

Sir Digby Chicken Caesar

this will be a nice birthday present to myself next year

Doc_Savage

thank christ!!:rolleyes:

tool are inspired legends!!
may they continue to amaze me for many years to come!!:D