Sesame Street Trail Today

Lawdie

(AP) Cookie Monster is straightening up his act. "Sesame Street's" beloved character is going to learn some lessons about moderation as the children's show kicks off its 36th season on PBS.

The blue, furry monster -- who sang "C is for cookie; that's good enough for me" -- now is advocating eating healthy. There's even a new song -- "A Cookie Is a Sometimes Food" -- in which Cookie Monster learns there are "anytime" foods and "sometimes" foods.

So that means to the generations who were raised on "Sesame Street," Cookie Monster has been advocating unhealthy eating habits?

Cookie Monster made me fat! L is for lawsuit; that's good enough for me!

"Welcome to MSNBC. There were some major developments in the trial of Chubby Kids v. Cookie Monster on Friday, admissions and revelations of behind-the-scenes secrets that are sure to rock the world of 'Sesame Street' to its very foundation.

"Besides having Cookie Monster advocate less consumption of cookies and more consumption of vegetables, the judge ordered the show's producers to further their efforts to fight childhood obesity by completely eliminating another character, Deep-Fried Cheese Monster.

"Kermit the Frog broke down on the stand when he was forced, under oath, to reverse his decades-old position and admit it is, in fact, easy being green.

"Elmo has had to settle many lawsuits from female crew members who accused him of inappropriate tickling.

"Several witnesses testified to horrifying incidents in which a showered and shaven Oscar the Grouch acted nice to people. When asked, Oscar revealed he's been on Zoloft for years and the grouchiness is just an act. 'Hey, I got bills to pay and Oscar the Well-Adjusted Person doesn't sell many toys,' Oscar said.

"Contrary to widespread speculation, Bert and Ernie are not lovers. But they are meth dealers.

"The Count is in therapy two hours per day to treat his obsessive compulsive disorder.

"Angelina Jolie didn't break up Brad Pitt and Jennifer Anniston's marriage. Grover did.

"The Children's Television Workshop is actually a sweatshop in which 9-year-olds churn out cheap 'Sesame Street' merchandise.

"The reason Snuffalupagus can't be seen by anyone but Big Bird: He's a mob snitch hiding in the Witness Protection Program.

"Mr. Hooper's store only turns a profit because of the malt liquor he sells to minors.

"A defiant Big Bird refused to respond to any allegations about steroid use.

"And, most shockingly, when asked 'Can you, in fact, tell me how to get to Sesame Street?' not a single character could."

This column was brought to you by the letter V and the numbers 8 and 15.

Gordon

Jesus!

Is there a Sky News mockup yet?