Emo

Capt'n Midnight

Emo Philips (born February 7, 1956)

American comedian
Sourced:

* My girlfriend always giggles during sex. No matter what she's reading.
o Source: The comedy album Emo

* Well, I've always wanted a wife, and she's always wanted a green card...
o The comedy album Emo

* I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
o The comedy album Emo

[edit]

Attributed:

* A guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo... in Morse code.

* Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: "A truck!"

* Emo was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, Emo was asked if he knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. His reply: "I don't know, re-election to the Senate?"

* Houses make strange noises at night like creak, groan and "Emo, I'm going to kill you." ...So I remembered what my mother told me, "Whenever you feel afraid just whistle a happy tune... [whistling] ...then I felt a hand around my throat and a voice said, "Thanks. I thought I'd never find you in the dark."

* How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

* I caught my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off me, you two!"

* I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

* I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

* I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming...They don't know I'm only using blanks.
o Variant: I like to stand at the school gates and watch the children running around and screaming. They don't know I'm only firing blanks.

* I wanted to get from 4th street to 8th... Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging my car from Lake Michigan as we speak.

* I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, hoping to get lucky— but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

* I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

* I went into Gus's artificial organ and taco stand. I said "Give me a bladder por favor." The guy said "Is that to go?" I said, "Well what else would I want it for?"

* I'm a great lover... I'll bet.

* In a conversation with a suicidal man threatening to jump off a bridge:
I said, 'Are you a Christian or a Jew?' He said, 'A Christian.'
I said, 'Me too. Protestant or Catholic?' He said, 'Protestant.'
I said, 'Me too. What franchise?' He says, 'Baptist.'
I said, 'Me too. Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?' He says, 'Northern Baptist.'
I said, 'Me too. Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?' He says, 'Northern Conservative Baptist.'
I said, 'Me too. Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist or Northern Conservative Reformed Baptist?' He says, 'Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist.'
I said, 'Me too. Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist, Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist, Eastern Region?' He says, 'Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist, Great Lakes Region.'
I said, 'Me too. Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist, Great Lakes Region, Council of 1879 or Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist, Great Lakes Region, Council of 1912?' He says, Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist, Great Lakes Region, Council of 1912.'
I said, 'Die, heretic!' and I pushed him over.

* My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid... and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.

* People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"

* People come up to me and they're worried... that I'll reproduce.

* Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

* Some people are against capital punishment, because they say that it turns the state into a murderer. I'm against imprisonment, because it turns the state into a gay dungeon-master.

* The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.

* The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said "If you'll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you've been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference."

* When I was a kid my parents used to tell me: "Don't go near the cellar door, Emo!" One day when they were away, I went to the door and opened it... and I saw birds and trees..."

* When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord, in his wisdom, didn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked him to forgive me.

* When I was six, my family moved to a new city, but fortunately I was able to track them down.

* Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race or nationality or creed... when there're so many real reasons to hate others?

* You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers... damn anthropologists.

* I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

* A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

* I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.

* My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

* My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.

* I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.

* You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

* People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi.

* You know what I hate? Indian givers...no, I take that back.

* New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guys are very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.

* I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

* I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

* Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash.

* Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil. Other than that, though, it's been a good day.

* When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas...

* Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.

Blub2k4

Emo is strange and hilarious all at the same time, someone posted some stuff from one of his rip-offs recently.
If you get a chance to see him in concert he is great, the sketch about him being cemented into the basement was good.

sprinkles

Love it!

TerrorFirmer

Yeah, that was some good stuff, I must look more into this guy!

ferdi

Capt'n Midnight wrote:

When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas...

:eek:

quank

Haha. Loads of those were class.

Shabadu

I wish someone would invent a tickle me emo.

Tyrrial

Jr.Shabadu wrote:

I wish someone would invent a tickle me emo.

don't we all, it would solve all of my gift getting probablems

arbeitsscheuer

the one about the conversation with the "suicidal man threatening to jump off a bridge" was just pure class... And a lot of the other stuff was pretty good too.

And my personal fave might even go in my sig one day, if that's ok:
Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race or nationality or creed... when there're so many real reasons to hate others?

bringitdown

My favourite one is:

"I went out on a first date but I don't think I'll see her again. She got mad when I didn't open the car door - I just swam to the surface."