how?

LegacyUser

How do people do it? How does it all work? Being gay and getting on with things, living, enjoying life? I can't get my head around it and it's crippling me.

I used to try not think about it, I'd just get wasted and try to enjoy the rest of what was going on around me. To some extent it worked too, every few months I'd get depressed and stressed out but would put on the happy face when people were around and I'd gradually work through it until things started looking a bit better. It used to be just a part of me I hated and couldn't understand but now I feel like it's consuming me. I've become somebody I really don't like, bitter and resentful, impatient and moody. A homophobic gay guy, a walking paradox.

None of it makes any sense. I look out at the world and see all the terrible things going on - wars, disasters, famine and I think about how it should give me some perspective about how small my problems really are but it doesn't. I know that compared to millions of people I'm incredibly fortunate but yet it means nothing. I know if I really put in some effort that I could achieve a lot but yet I don't, I do nothing. I want to work through it, I want to give my parents at least something they can be proud of before it's too late but I just can't seem to get it together, can't find any motivation, can't find anything to look forward to that might help me get out of this rut.

Where do I fit into things? The average guy can settle down and start a family, work to support them, keep the family going. My family stops with me, I'm an only son and there won't be another generation. What is it I'm supposed to be working towards?

I feel weak. I don't understand why I can't get myself going again, why I can't be strong and just shake myself off and get on with things. I don't know when I became so hollow inside but fear I'll never be able to find my spark again. I can't accept who I am because it doesn't seem to fit with anything, Yin without Yang.

Stark

I don't know if being gay is the root of your problems. You seem to be depressed with life in general, feeling that you're not achieving something, and you're not pleasing people enough.

You could very well wake up tomorrow morning a heterosexual, find yourself able to start a family and give your parents grandparents but still find your life lacking.

The feeling that you could achieve a lot with your life but just can't put your mind to it or focus on it could be a symptom of clinical depression. It wouldn't hurt to see a counsellor about this.

Beruthiel

paradoxical wrote:

Where do I fit into things? The average guy can settle down and start a family, work to support them, keep the family going. My family stops with me, I'm an only son and there won't be another generation. What is it I'm supposed to be working towards?

work towards being happy?
stark is right, talk to a professional, get your gp to recommend one.

as for your comments above, I live with someone who is an only child and he won't be having kids either.
Not all straight people want kids, sure he gets a bit of pressure from his family but it's his life.
also, not all straight people have that rose tinted view you have above, ie - what I'm trying to say is, just cos you are straight doesn't mean everything is going to be perfect.
You are putting way to much stress on yourself, the secret to a happy life is live for now, surround yourself with things that make you happy, enjoy your friends and stop thinking so much.

the_syco

paradoxical wrote:

My family stops with me, I'm an only son and there won't be another generation.

Sounds like you think your under pressure to keep the family going, or that its on your shoulders. It isn't. Just because the "christain family" is a man and a woman, it doesn't mean you can't have a family with another man.

It may be that your making a mountain out of a molehill, without even relaising it, and this is bringing you down. Its happened to me; I look at the small things, and suddenly they seem big things, when in fact if I do each small task at a time, its suddenly not too bad.

As for the homophobic thing, I think its more jealousy than homophobic, as you may see happy gay people around you, but your not happy, so you may resent them.

It go with Stark on this one; that you should go see counsellor about it. They may also help you remove the "molehill" also, and let you get on with your life.

Boston

I think you're less disenchanted and crippled by who/what you are and more by the world you live in. Noticed I said the world you live in as opposed to the world we live in. The world you live in is one where:

• You have to get smashed off your face to fit in, to feel normal, to be able to get by, because you don't feel comfortable in your own sink.
• You feel Guilty for having problems, everywhere you look people are getting on with their life and you just can't.
• Your parents love is conditional upon you providing them with a grandchild. Where getting some one pregnant is some sort of achievement, something to be proud of and defining.
• Above all else, it is not what you have that is important but what you will have tomorrow, if you work hard someday you'll arrive at where ever your going.

At some stage we have all lived in your world mate. The only advice I can give you is to stop fighting it and just give into who you are. Life gets a whole lot simpler if you do.

snappieT

I can't agree more with Boston. I have just one question though. Have you come out? Your parents included.

Trust me on this one.... I was fairly depressed until I came out, now I'm happier than ever before, as I can go have my fun without any worries. It turned me from a serious blob, into the happy-go-lucky person that I am now.

pugwall

paradoxical,

thats how I felt a couple of years ago. According to everyone else I was straight. But I wasn't. I found it really difficult to tell anyone that I was gay. I was quite popular and used to go out with my mates quite a bit and get 'wasted'. I couldn't understand how gay guys go the courage to come out and just got on with life. I presumed it would be such a struggle. Who could I tell? What would I say? I had been hiding this secret for soooo long... I was depressed for a few years, but I just plodded on. I finally came out to a friend after my finals in uni and that was the best decision of my life. Ive come out to all my good friends at this stage although not to my family. Ive realised that life actually does go on once you come out and it actually isn't a big dal to anyone else. I'm sorry I didnt come out earlier.
It was hard telling my friend but I somehow pucked up the courage.
Seriously man, tell a close friend you can trust. Or perhaps a gay acquaintance?

Yaur problem is the fear of telling anyone... Just go for it... you only have ne life.. might as well live it the way you want....

dub45

Its very easy to think that being straight would solve your problems - but look around you at all the unhappy straight people - unhappy relationships - unhappy marriages and so on. Two of my best friends are married men in very long term happy relationships but those relationships are childless. Lots of straight men dont have kids for whatever reason.

Happiness/contentment come from doing other things - they are a biproduct of living. It is the rare person indeed who finds happiness just from thinking about it. Having said that being gay and dealing with it is not necessarily easy for anyone but the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step so start taking a few steps and you will begin to feel better.

The first person you have to come out to is yourself. You did not choose to be gay but it is up to you now to accept yourself as a gay man - work on that.

Talk to someone whether its a good friend or a counsellor - all that stuff churning around inside can seem shapeless and huge. Talking gives perspective and helps get it out there.

Cy

paradoxical wrote:

I look out at the world and see all the terrible things going on - wars, disasters, famine and I think about how it should give me some perspective about how small my problems really are but it doesn't. I know that compared to millions of people I'm incredibly fortunate but yet it means nothing.

It shouldn't mean anything. Just because there are people going through worse things like war and famine doesn't mean you're going through a fairly s*itty time now. I used to try think along those lines but all it did was make me feel bad for feeling bad. That's a loop you don't want to get caught in.
I'd have to agree with Boston as well, don't try and fight who you are. I tried that and we'll just leave it as, it didn't work. Try accept who you are, not just in relation to being gay, accept all of who you are.
Like Pugwall said, you've only got one life, live it how you want and enjoy it