Tommy Cooper-isms

Funkstard

1. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

2. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

4. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

7. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

11. "Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. " "Is it common? " "It's not unusual."

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"

13. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."

14. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

16. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

17. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

18. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

19. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

20. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

21. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more"

22. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

jaggeh

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
Groucho Marx

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
Groucho Marx

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
Groucho Marx

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
Groucho Marx

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
Groucho Marx

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
Groucho Marx

All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.
Groucho Marx

And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it.
Groucho Marx

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Groucho Marx

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
Groucho Marx

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
Groucho Marx

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
Groucho Marx

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.
Groucho Marx

Go, and never darken my towels again.
Groucho Marx

Humor is reason gone mad.
Groucho Marx

I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
Groucho Marx

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
Groucho Marx

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
Groucho Marx

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.
Groucho Marx

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
Groucho Marx

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
Groucho Marx

I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.
Groucho Marx

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Groucho Marx

I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.
Groucho Marx

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
Groucho Marx

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.
Groucho Marx

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Groucho Marx

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.
Groucho Marx

I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.
Groucho Marx

I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
Groucho Marx

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.
Groucho Marx

I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.
Groucho Marx

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.
Groucho Marx

I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.
Groucho Marx

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
Groucho Marx

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
Groucho Marx

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.
Groucho Marx

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.
Groucho Marx

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
Groucho Marx

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
Groucho Marx

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
Groucho Marx

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
Groucho Marx

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Groucho Marx

My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.
Groucho Marx

My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.
Groucho Marx

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
Groucho Marx

No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.
Groucho Marx

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
Groucho Marx

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
Groucho Marx

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.
Groucho Marx

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.
Groucho Marx

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.
Groucho Marx

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
Groucho Marx

Remember, we're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably far more than she's ever done!
Groucho Marx

Room service? Send up a larger room.
Groucho Marx

She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
Groucho Marx

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
Groucho Marx

The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.
Groucho Marx

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
Groucho Marx

There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, "Yes," you know he is a crook.
Groucho Marx

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
Groucho Marx

Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.
Groucho Marx

When I was young I was amazed at Plutarch's statement that the elder Cato began at the age of eighty to learn Greek. I am amazed no longer. Old age is ready to undertake tasks that youth shirked because they would take too long.
Groucho Marx

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
Groucho Marx

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
Groucho Marx

Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it.
Groucho Marx

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
Groucho Marx

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
Groucho Marx

Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.
Groucho Marx

Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.
Groucho Marx

Women should be obscene and not heard.
Groucho Marx

mad m

A bit OT on the Groucho Marx theme.Tommy all the way in my book.Class.

rugbug86

big ups to tommy, not feelin the groucho tbh.

ExOffender

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

This is in fact Rudyard Kipling, AFAIK; 'For a woman is only a woman/ But a good cigar is a Smoke.'

http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/r/rudyardkip141701.html

Tommy Cooper reads better, but Groucho has the better delivery, IMO. He was also the only funny Marx brother.